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FRANKL
Gwen was reading when Joseph tapped on her door and entered. She sat up with her legs crossed under the sheets.
He sat and tapped the book. “What do you think?”
“I finished it last night. I’m reading it again. It’s very appropriate.” Joseph merely nodded. “I have some requests. If you can’t fulfill them it’s fine, but if I don’t ask I’ll never know.” She continued as Joseph nodded again. “A pen or a pencil and a notebook. Spiral is fine. Whatever you have. I’ll need tampons.” Joseph nodded.
“We’ll start you on birth control a few days into your period.”
She nodded and he waited knowing there was more, “A chair? Something other than the commode to sit on.” Joseph smiled.
“I’ll see what I can do.”
“Joseph?”
“There’s more?” She smiled at his playfulness before growing serious.
“I appreciate that you didn’t react to my anger yesterday.”
He shook his head, “Everyone is angry when they come here.”
“But maybe it isn’t your fault.”
“You believe me?”
“I don’t know, but I’m willing to accept it as a possibility. I need a friend. I’m not very good at trust though.”
Joseph nodded, “It’s more than I expected.”
“How much control can I have over my training?”
“As much as I am willing to give you.”
“Can I see the checklist?”
Joseph looked at her a moment pondering. “I’m not sure you want to.”
“There are things I have to face. I do better if I can prepare mentally first.”
“I didn’t want to take you to see the girl yesterday. It was protocol.”
Gwen shrugged. “Okay.” She watched him a moment longer. “I want to meet everyone. I want to get to know everyone. I would appreciate it if you could give me input on what they are like. I would like to volunteer to work in addition to my training. I would like to work everywhere I can, the laundry, the kitchen, housekeeping, the infirmary, the spa. I would like to learn how to give massages. Everywhere except the torture area, but I could clean there I think.” She saw the surprise as Joseph nodded. “Is there any sort of counseling service here? Or any sort of formal support groups for the things that people go through?”
“No. People talk informally. There are a few books in the training library on dealing with sexual trauma. I talk to John that you met in the library. He is good at keeping confidences.”
Gwen nodded.
“I may be required to read what you write in your notebook.”
“I can accept that. Can I read what you write about me?”
Joseph shrugged with a little grin. “Most of it. If you want.”
Gwen nodded and crawled from under the blankets stooping to pick up an item from the flat of water bottles. She handed Joseph the stud as she sat next to him. He studied it in his hand for a moment before putting it in the coin pocket in his shorts. “Can I ask you another question?” He nodded. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
“Okay.”
“Do you have any extra-curricular sex?”
He looked at his hands for a moment before he answered. That little sigh came first. “No.” Gwen waited as he paused. “I have always only done what I was required to do.” He glanced at her sideways. She nodded. Her next question she spoke in a whisper.
“Do you think I’m a slut?”
Joseph put his arm around her shoulders quickly pulling her close and put his forehead against her temple whispering in her ear. “I think you loved Brian. I think you loved being with him and had no intention of being with anyone else. I think that you never intended for those pictures and videos to become so available. I think that you were under the influence of the Ecstasy at the bar. The Tylenol Julia gave you had some in it as well. It probably affected your actions here with Adam. I think maybe you made some bad choices, but everyone does that. I don’t think you are a slut. I’m sorry you are here.” He backed off to look at her, but Gwen just stared at her hands in her lap, overcome with the power of his words. She didn’t know why they were so important to her. Finally she nodded and heaved her own little sigh.
“What are we doing today?”
He slapped his hands to his thighs and stood. “The pool first, shower, and then breakfast. Then I can show you the list if you’re sure.”
Gwen pushed herself in the pool. Her arms gave out, but she kicked on her back and stroked when she could. Joseph did laps in the adjacent lane and then rested with his back to the wall at one end until she finished finally, exhausted. Other people passed through the room, but no one joined them in the pool. He had taken his shorts off. He said no one was allowed to wear clothes in the pool. When she was done he led her to a public shower between the gym and pool. The water pressure was ample, but there was no privacy at all. Not even to use the toilets. Joseph shrugged in apology and she turned her back as he sat. He returned to the shower when he was done and washed himself without speaking.
“We can eat in your room if you want.”
“I’ll eat in the cafeteria. I’m going to have to get used to it. I might as well start.”
“Good. You can start meeting people.”
“Okay.”
“Let’s stop by Rachel’s and get that stud put in on the way.”
“Okay. Does Adam come often?”
“Once or twice a week.”
“How many people are in his ‘order’?”
“Forty-two. All women. You’ll see the pecking order as you see the studs. Right now you are number one. The girl you displaced is Colleen. She wears a pearl. She won’t be happy. You’ll have to watch out for her also. The word is already out that Adam has another member, but Rachel is told never to reveal the stud until the girl comes out of her room. The rest of the girls have smaller gems of various colors. He has one remaining stud that is reserved for a virgin. He will name her Eve.”
“What are we required to do?”
“The girls who wear the studs are required to bow to him, as you did the first time, whenever he enters a room. Other than that you do whatever he requests.”
“Has anyone pulled a stud out before?”
“About half do.”
“How many people come here who are virgins?”
“Dom has brought us three through chat rooms on the internet.”
“And they weren’t acceptable to Adam?”
“Two were boys. And the girl was too young for him… Adam has certain tastes. He will be particular.”
“I can’t imagine him being the first.” Joseph didn’t respond. “A lot of the clients are members of the mob?”
“Yes.”
“Is Adam?”
“He is an associate. He helps them out with background checks on the clients who come here. This complex has been in operation for thirty-six years and so far it hasn’t attracted the attention of law enforcement. They are very cautious about clients and acquiring new talent. And no one has ever escaped to tell their tale.”
“How young is the youngest?”
“One of the internet boys was ten. The girl was twelve.”
“Damn.”
“Yeah.”
“Did you train her?”
“Julia did. She trains any female virgins.”
Rachel sighed a knowing sigh and smiled in anticipation as Gwen entered with Joseph. She pointed to the table and Gwen climbed on and lay back. This time Rachel inserted the stud slowly. Gwen kept her expression and breathing even through it all. She wouldn’t even grind her teeth. She smiled at Rachel as she finished and sat up. “Have you eaten?”
“Not yet.” Gwen didn’t miss the confusion in her eyes.
“Can you come now?” Rachel looked to Joseph. His face showed no emotion. Gwen could tell she wanted to. She nodded encouragement. “I’d like for you to come with us.” Rachel shrugged.
“Okay.”
All the way to the cafeteria Gwen plied her with questions and she answered. At first the answers were terse. She kept looking to Joseph wondering whether he wanted her to give Gwen answers. Joseph made no indication one way or another and under Gwen’s questioning she began to open up. She had been a drug addict on the streets and had come to the brothel at seventeen with the disease. She had been there six years. They had treated her for the drugs and she wasn’t allowed to have them anymore. She had come with some of the tattoos and a number of piercings. Her navel ring and tongue piercing had been removed. She had been allowed to keep a nipple piercing as well as a row of piercings along her genitalia. She had a boyfriend, Trey, in the brothel who was thirty-six and dying of AIDS. He had been a porn actor when he contracted the disease. The studio he worked for was mob owned. No one who had the disease was medicated. He was also a tattoo artist and had done the rest of the work on her. She had discovered she liked torture after coming to the brothel.
“Why is it that you like it?”
Rachel shrugged and looked at Joseph and then back to Gwen.
“I am just trying to understand. I’m not judging you. Most people would be afraid.”
Rachel nodded and Gwen could see her mind working behind her eyes. Her eyes had been veiled the first time Gwen met her. This time they had a sadistic glimmer at first followed by a small hint of respect when Gwen had not flinched. That was followed by hesitation and tentativeness at the invitation to eat, and now a curiosity. She wanted to answer the question, but she was afraid that they would both think she was crazy. No one but Trey had wanted to know before. None of the people who didn’t have the tattoo ever paid much attention to the ones who did.
“It is… cathartic… penance for choices I’ve made. Things I’ve done.”
Gwen couldn’t hide her surprise.
“It’s true.”
“I believe you. I just didn’t expect that answer. Are you ever afraid?”
Sadness crossed her face followed by the hard mask. “Not for me. I deserve what I get.”
Gwen took her hand. “For Trey.” Rachel looked at her and the mask fell away revealing pain Gwen couldn’t even begin to understand. Gwen met her gaze and then came cheek to cheek with her. “Be my friend. I don’t know how it works in here, but find me, or email me, or get someone to find Joseph. Just, be my friend, please.” Gwen backed away. Rachel was in a daze, not believing, but she managed to nod. “I want to meet Trey.” Rachel nodded again and then smiled, an open, friendly, warm smile that Joseph had never seen before. Gwen turned to him and smiled too and grasped his hand as she slipped her arm around Rachel’s waist. They received multiple looks as the hallway became busier closer to the dining room.
Gwen stopped outside the room and glanced at Joseph, “Whenever you’re ready.” She nodded gathering herself.
“They’ll be staring at you, but only half of the reason will be to see the new girl. Walking in with me will create even more of a stir. I don’t remember the last time I ate in the dining hall.”
Gwen smiled at her and then nodded to Joseph. It was just what she needed to hear. “Then let’s go stir the pot.” Joseph gave her a silly grin and held the door for the two girls. Gwen entered with Rachel. There were sixty or seventy people inside and as they entered someone began banging a spoon on a glass. People started looking around and then saw Gwen. She desperately wanted to hide herself against Rachel or Joseph, but she caught a smile of encouragement from Rachel. She turned as Joseph spoke. “Everyone, this is Dianna.” Some of them waved or raised their glasses. Some of them smiled. Some whistled. All of them stared. She managed to smile and wave back. A beautiful Asian girl with straight hair looked her over from head to toe and turned disdainfully back to the man she was eating with. Joseph whispered to Gwen. “Lia, Colleen’s friend.” Gwen nodded. She saw John reading the paper alone at a table and approached him smiling. He glanced up and looked from her to Rachel.
“Can we join you?”
He smiled at them all. “Of course.”
They returned to his table after going through line. Gwen forced herself to stand straight and greet people who approached with a smile. Some were the people she met the day before. Some were new. No one with a navel post approached her. Joseph introduced everyone and all of them took note of the diamond. John offered to let her sit between him and the wall, but she forced a smile and sat across from him and invited Rachel to sit next to her.
“I don’t know where you hide ‘em in that outfit, but you got a pair!”
Joseph grinned as he sat, “I think you’re right about that.”
Rachel buttered her bread, “They’re overrated anyway.”
John smiled at Rachel, “It’s good to see you, Rachel. I think about you all the time.”
Rachel studied him, “Dianna talked me into coming out of my cave.”
Gwen smiled at her. “It’s a shame to hide the artwork.”
John smiled at Gwen. “Your hair is wet.”
“We went swimming. My arms feel like noodles.”
“Joseph always has been one for keeping in shape.” Gwen stirred applesauce into her oatmeal and ate it quickly. “Have you started the book?”
“Started and finished it. I’m reading it again. I asked Joseph for a notebook so I could take notes.”
“You can have dignity. Even in here.”
“Maybe it will come with time. I don’t happen to feel very dignified at the moment.”
“None of the others would ever guess. You are doing very well.”
“I appreciate the words of encouragement. You are a kind man. I asked Joseph if they had any counselors or group therapy here. He said he talks to you. He said you are good at keeping confidences.” Gwen glanced at Rachel. John followed her glance, but Rachel was stirring her yogurt and didn’t see the look.
Rachel stood when she finished, “I should go.”
Gwen reached for her hand, “I meant what I said.” Rachel nodded.
John stood, “I’m finished. I’ll walk with you if you don’t mind. Maybe I’ll look in on Trey.”
Rachel nodded and they cleared their dishes and left Gwen and Joseph to themselves.
“You sure don’t mince words.” He sipped at his juice. “I never would have believed it if I hadn’t seen it.”
“She’s a human being.”
“John and Trey are friends. He’ll see him now. It’s hard knowing someone is dying.”
“Do you know how long he has?”
“No. Our paths don’t cross. He does his tricks and then keeps to himself. I could find out.”
Gwen nodded, “I want to check with her tomorrow to see if he’ll meet me.”
“We can.” He gestured with his head. “Let’s get out of here. I’ll show you the email and we’ll get the check lists and our schedules.”
“Where are the heating and air conditioning units?”
Joseph gave her a curious look, “I’m told they are on the roof. That way, workers can get to them if they need service. The mob has access to any kind of contractors they need though. They brought them in when they upgraded the security system. They put in all the keypads and the magnetic locks on the doors.”
They stopped at a small office opposite her room. Joseph entered and printed off several sheets of paper and put them on a clipboard. Then he showed her the computer and how to check her email. They set up a password for her account, which Joseph wrote down. There was a message from Adam along with several pictures from their encounter. Joseph read it over her shoulder. “You can respond to it later. And here’s where you click to send email within the complex. It isn’t monitored, or rather, it is only sporadically monitored.”
“Can I email Lisa?”
“No. Once both of you have passed off the first level of training you will be able to see her or email her. Until then, you can’t. It’s for good reasons.” He emailed requesting a chair and end table for her room and emailed Rachel about meeting with Trey.
He led her to her room and seated himself on the bed with his back to the wall. He put her pillow against the cinderblock next to him and patted the bed inviting her to sit. When she was settled he showed her the first page and watched her as she read.
“Some of the items you’ll see have been completed.”
TRAINING: LEVEL I
Orientation
“I explained some of the rules to you yesterday.”
Medical
“I have a form for the Drug and Alcohol History, but the rest is taken care of. You
don’t have any cavities, but Elaine said your wisdom teeth look like they will have to come out. When the oral surgeon sees the x-rays he will verify that and put you on the schedule.”
Personal
“Julia puts together the portfolio. There are questionnaires for all of the rest of the
Histories that we will need to fill out.”
Public Display
1. To staff
2. To clients
“You’ve completed the first three items, and I was so impressed with your
composure in the cafeteria this morning. I know that you were uncomfortable, but you did what you had to do. That courage will serve you well. How comfortable are you with me?”
“Pretty uncomfortable still.”
Joseph nodded, “It is perfectly normal. At least you are pleased with your body.
The ones who come in feeling they are ugly have the hardest time. We spend a lot of time working with them to get them to understand that they are beautiful the way they are. If they don’t feel beautiful, they have a hard time pleasing clients. If they feel self-conscious in any way it makes it more difficult to please a client. You have no problem at all in shedding your clothes when you are aroused. My goal for you is to have you become completely uninhibited even when you are not aroused. What do you like best about your body?”
Gwen shrugged, “I don’t know.” Joseph smiled at her and she ducked her head in embarrassment. “Okay, then. My skin… my thighs, I guess.”
He smiled at her. “Your skin is beautiful.” She waited as his next thought formed. “What I think is the most beautiful thing about you is that you don’t even seem to realize just how beautiful you are. It doesn’t matter to you. You are just you… the person inside you, not the physical person. I think that’s what drew Rachel to you. The person inside you saw the person inside her body in spite of what was on the outside. I find that incredibly attractive. People sense it without being able to define it.” He looked at her. “I don’t want you to lose that. I hate what we do to people, what I do to people. It makes a lot of them emotionally vacant.” He saw the hesitation that passed through her eyes. “What?” Gwen shrugged and shook her head. “Tell me.”
She looked at him again, “It’s that trust thing. I just wonder… I just wonder if you are doing this because you’re good at what you do.”
Joseph smiled more feebly, “I do what I do because I have no choice. It was the best of my options. I am probably good at it because I have a gift for reading people. We all have to be here, but we can still be human. You have to be trained. It’s like breaking a horse though. You can whip them into submission, or you can gentle them through kindness. A horse that is gentled through kindness is much more responsive. I know you may question my intentions, but listen to the words that were said. Regardless of my intentions, they are true.”
Gwen sighed and nodded, “Okay.”
Joseph looked back to the list. He paused just for an instant before he continued, “The voluntary displays are assigned by Julia.
Required Reading
Required Viewing
“Required reading… you see the list. The books are in the small room at the back of the library. There is a sign out sheet for whatever you want to bring to your room. I’ll get you that notebook so you can take notes. Each book has quizzes and tests that you will have to pass. The same with the required viewing, but it is in a different room and I am required to be with you as of right now.”
“I want to meet the others that came in with me. The girl you showed me.”
Joseph nodded.
Training sessions
“The first four training sessions I can set up for times I am working with Katy. I think you’ll like all of them. The last four I will have to accompany you.”
“How long do they last?”
“It varies. There will be practicals that you will have to pass or they will continue to work with you until you do.”
“Is this the John I met?” I don’t know if I can do this.
“It is.” He noticed her discomfort. “I’ve known John for a long time. He shares your gift for seeing the person inside the skin. He is only kind and loving. He will make it as easy as possible for you.” Gwen slipped her arm through his and leaned against his shoulder. “I will tell you a secret to survival now.” She looked up at him from his shoulder. “I call it chambering.” He was so serious. “We are actors. What shows on the outside with a client is not always what we feel on the inside. When I have to do something difficult, I take the feelings that are the essence of me and put them in a little box deep inside me where I can keep them safe. On the outside I act as I am required to act, I do what I am required to do, but I keep me safe.”
“You said you were angry.”
“I was for a long time. They beat me into submission. I think my eyes looked like Rachel’s did that first time you met her.”
“What happened?”
“John… he spent a lot of time talking to me. He saw the person that was hidden deep inside and helped me to bring him back. It was excruciatingly painful for me.”
“Do you hate them?”
“Who?”
“The others… Julia, the man who kidnapped you, the clients?”
“I used to. John made me realize that it took a lot of energy to hate and that it only hurt me. Sometimes I feel nothing for them, but I usually make an effort to try to love them.”
“Like Frankl.”
“It was John who suggested I read him as well.”
“Do you act with me?”
“I will have to sometimes because it is required. Sometimes I will even lie. I will tell you later though.” He sighed. “With you I will rarely put those feelings away. If I do, it will make it harder for you to bring yours back.”
“You will suffer for me.” Joseph nodded. It was a conscious choice he was making to help her. “Can you tell me what happened in the sacrifice room?”
He paused a long time before he answered, “Not yet.” After several minutes he gathered himself and continued.
Performance Evaluations
He pointed to the page on the clipboard, “You are always being evaluated. I can’t
stress enough how important the evaluations are. The evaluations are used to place you in categories. The higher your category the more control you will have over your situation. Everything is kept in a file. There is a point system.” He tapped the clipboard with his finger. “Do you have any questions?”
Gwen pointed to the next section, “What is my evaluator reward?”
“It is left up to me.”
“If it is left up to you, then I will trust that it will be good!” Joseph smiled as Gwen continued reading.
Upon completion of Training: Level One the student will receive:
Upon completion of Training: Level One each student will be required to:
“It doesn’t mention clothes here.”
“They come after the third level.”
Gwen sighed in disappointment, “Do I get to see those check lists?”
Joseph smiled. “When you finish the first level I’ll give you the check list for the second.”
Gwen nodded. “Well, we might as well start at the top. Is there a list of all of these rules somewhere?”
Joseph nodded and pulled the papers off the clipboard. He put a list of rules on top and slipped the papers back under the clamp and offered it back to Gwen. Most of the rules he had explained to her the day before.
LEVEL I RULES
“What happens if someone violates these rules?
“It depends on the rule and the severity. It also depends on how penitent someone is
and how many times they violate a particular rule. Sometimes we are able to reason with people. Sometimes hunger or cold are all that are required. If that doesn’t work, scaring them, or pain. If it is a complaint by a client that is validated, it is almost always pain. Clients don’t all look like Adam. Most of them are old and fat. Some of them have a hard time completing the act. A lot of them smell like stale cigarettes and alcohol. Some of them smell of body odor. None of that can show on your face. You have to respond to each one like you did to Adam.”
Hygiene
“I don’t have a toothbrush.”
”We’ll take care of that. How long does it usually take you to get ready?”
“About twenty minutes if I shower. No makeup. I just scrunch my hair wet with
mousse. I like long showers. Of course, I don’t have to dress, so probably fifteen.”
“See, it’s a time saver!”
“Very funny.”
Health
“We can continue to swim for now. We’ll add weights or running later if you lose
some of that modesty.
“The girl you saw? The drug addict? She is better off here. You can ask the others
who came here hooked. They get good food, medical care. Their tricks are no rougher than the ones they turned on the street and they are protected. They might not be happy at first, but they all change their minds after a while.”
Training
Performance
“I’ll leave this copy with you. I’ll give you the quiz in a few days. Do you have any
questions?”
“Yes.”
“Shoot.”
“What rules do you have to follow?”
“These and more.”
“What in addition?”
That little sigh again, “One in particular that I would like you to understand.” Gwen waited as he gathered his thoughts, “I am required to respond to you. You remember when you asked if I participated in extra-curricular sex?” Gwen nodded. “I don’t know exactly how to explain this.” He paused, “Before I came here I went to church every Sunday. I read from the Bible and learned the Ten Commandments. I was taught that it was wrong to have sex outside of marriage. I don’t know if it might have changed later, but I planned on being a virgin when I married. I do what I do here because I am compelled, but I have this desire still to do what is right. On the other hand, I find you very attractive. I think I am really starting to like you. If we were out in the real world I might even ask you out. In this world, if you come on to me, I am obligated, by the rules, to respond. In the real world, if you came on to me, I would hope that I would have the strength to say no.”
Gwen looked into his eyes. “I think I would like that.”
“What?”
“If you would have asked me out.”
Joseph smiled and pulled her up. He led her back into the hallway. The office was opposite her door not far to the left, to its right was a supply closet. Joseph entered his key-code and entered the room. He got a steno notebook and pen, a box of tampons and a small plastic tub encased in shrink-wrap that contained a toothbrush and toothpaste, floss, a cup, a squeeze bottle, a brush and comb, and a roll of trash bags.
“How do you do hair removal?”
“Depilatory.”
He handed her a bottle of hair removal cream and a washcloth. “You can take care of that in your room. He took two jugs of water off the shelf and followed her back to her room. Before they left, Gwen took a quick look at the rest of the items on the shelves. He led her into the bathroom to the right of the supply room. There were showers and a commode and two vanities with shelving. There was a towel on a hook with her name above it. The shower had a shelf with several shampoos, conditioners and body washes. The vanity had several kinds of face wash and lotions and creams. There was a blow dryer and a shelf with mousse, hairspray and gels of various kinds.
“Go on to your room and I’ll be in in a minute after I print off the histories.”
Gwen nodded. He followed her into the room a few minutes later clipping more papers to the clipboard. He sat on the bed again with his back to the wall, pen in hand. This time he put the pillow on his lap and patted it. She accepted his invitation and lay down with her head in his lap.
“Describe your history of drug use.”
Joseph wrote as Gwen talked. “I have smoked marijuana. Twice the summer I was sixteen, half a dozen times over the next year and a half.”
“How much did you smoke?”
“Maybe a half a joint the first few times. Never more than one joint.”
Gwen waited while the pen scratched and Joseph spoke again, “Describe your history of alcohol use.
“I drank about half a beer sometimes in the evenings during the second summer and one time that fall I got completely smashed at Brian’s dorm. I didn’t like throwing up though, so after that I would stop at one. I did change over to mixed drinks though. I like rum and coke.”
“The night you were abducted?”
“I had two rum and cokes. I think I drank a little more during the competition. The guys there kept offering it to me. Maybe a couple more.”
“And that’s all?”
“Yes.”
Again Gwen waited until he finished writing and changed papers.
“Name.”
“Gwendolyn Rose Parker.”
“Date of Birth.”
“March 28th, 1987.”
“Place of birth.”
“Lincoln, Nebraska.”
“Mother’s name.”
“Kathryn Miller Parker.”
“Father.”
“Jonathan Robert Parker.”
“Grandparents living?”
“My mother’s parents are both dead. My father’s are alive.”
“Where do they live?”
“Arizona.”
“Father’s occupation.”
“Accountant.”
“Mother.”
“Homemaker.”
“Siblings.”
“A sister, Nora.” Gwen was surprised when a wave of emotion overwhelmed her. Joseph saw and looked away until she could compose herself.
“Level of education.”
“Graduated from high school, a year and a half of college.”
“Field of study.”
“English.”
“Work experience.”
Gwen sighed, “I helped with lambing and ranch work. Took care of the animals on the range, tractors, fencing, hay, harvesting. I worked in an office part-time after that, and fast food. I waitressed in the city for a year and a half.”
“Hobbies.”
“None, really. Hard work. Swimming. Writing, I guess. Running. Lifting. Dancing. Reading.”
Joseph changed the papers again. He could tell Gwen was subdued and didn’t speak.
“Your parents were married/divorced?”
“Married.”
“Tell me about your mom.”
“There’s nothing to tell.” He couldn’t mistake the edge in her voice. He set the clipboard down and studied her. She tried to hold back the tears, but they came anyway. He left the room for a moment and brought back a box of Kleenex, handing one to Gwen. She stood as she took it and backed against the wall crumpling it in her fist. “I can’t do this.” Her voice was quiet, but intense.
Joseph approached her and she turned away as he brushed her cheek with the back of his hand. “Go ahead and cry, but tell me anyway. You’ll feel better. Everyone is homesick.”
“Homesick!” The whole story came tumbling out then filled with anger and hurt and resentment. How her mother had kicked Nora out, how her parents never talked to each other or her, how she had loved the ranch and Brian and his parents, about the pregnancy and how everyone had reacted, about the rumors and her mother’s email, about how everyone had shunned her in town, how Brian had sent the website to everyone. “I never want to see them again! Never talk to them! I never want to go back there again. I hate them all! I hate them all!”
Joseph stood in front of her listening and then looking down on her in silence as she tried to catch her breath and regain some composure. She was trembling and couldn’t stop crying. Her head felt like it would explode and her sinuses were stopped up. The muscles in her back and neck were tense and sore. She was suddenly aware that Joseph was close. She looked up and all she could see was his jaw. She closed her eyes as his arms came around her. She didn’t know why she couldn’t stop crying.
Finally the crying stopped and then the trembling. He still had his arms around her and she realized she had a wad of his shirt crumpled in her fist at the small of his back. She hiccupped and pulled away.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
She shuddered involuntarily as she took a deep breath. “You got a little more than you bargained for.”
“It needed to come out. You had a lot all bottled up inside.”
Gwen nodded and hiccupped again. “You aren’t going to put all of that in there are you?”
“No. Just the basics. I’ll let you see it before I put it on the computer.” He pointed to the camera. “It only records video. No sound.”
“They probably don’t even care that I’m gone.”
Joseph cupped his hand behind her neck and pulled her close kissing her on the temple. He backed away and smiled and handed her another Kleenex. He sat next to her on the bed as she blotted her eyes and nose. She leaned into him hiccupping again as she felt another round of tears start. Joseph lifted her under her thighs and laid her back on the bed and then lay at her side, cradling her in the crook of his arm. He stroked her face and shoulders and kissed her over and over on the forehead letting her cry herself out. The tears started again when she told him about Morrison.
He let her wash her face and they went to lunch. She ate a little and brought an apple away with her. He took her to the library and chose several books for her to read before leaving her to work with Katy.
Gwen took a nap instead of reading. She had the book open, but nothing made sense to her. Her head was still pounding and though she was tense she felt as weak as a kitten. The next thing she knew Joseph was in the room again. He was leaning over giving her a kiss on the head. She rolled over and looked at him in confusion. He smelled freshly showered and had on cologne. He had on a golf shirt and shorts and flip-flops. He was holding a glass from the cafeteria with three pink roses. “One of the clients brought them for Julia. She said I could take these.”
“What for?”
“For you, silly.” He looked suddenly ill at ease. “I came to ask you out on a date.”
“A date?”
“Are you always this loopy when you wake up?”
Gwen brought her hands to her face trying to orient. “Where?”
“That’s a surprise.” He handed her the roses and she sat up smelling them.
“I’m not really up to being around other people.”
“It won’t be other people. I think you will like it.”
Finally she agreed and Joseph led her to the bathroom to run a brush through her hair and wash her face. Her face was still blotchy and her eyes were puffy. Joseph took her hand as he led her down the hall. The halls were busier than she had seen them, but people were on the way to their own appointments and merely nodded or smiled at them.
Joseph opened a door and beckoned Gwen through. There was an older lady with long straight silver hair in a bun behind a desk. Joseph introduced her as Bess and was told that room three was ready. He pushed a swinging door and Gwen followed him into another short hallway and a room with a three on the door. There was a woman in her fifties in a white coat with the sleeves rolled up.
“This is Karen. Karen, this is Dianna.”
Karen smiled at her and motioned to a table covered with towels that stood between them. “Dianna, it’s nice to meet you. If you will lie down on your stomach.” Gwen obeyed as Karen poured oil on her hands. There was a hole in the bench for her face. After a few minutes of massage with hot oils Gwen looked up slightly and opened one eye. Joseph was sitting in the corner smiling at her.
“This is good.” She closed her eyes again and let the tension seep away.
Her arms were hanging over the edge of the table and she felt his fingers touch hers when the masseuse was done. She smiled with her eyes closed.
“We’re not done yet.”
Gwen grunted. Joseph kissed her hand and tugged on it.
“It’s not far.”
Gwen allowed him to lead her from the table to another room at the end of the hallway. She smiled as he led her into a wood lined sauna and spread a towel for her to sit on.
“I’ll be back in a minute.” He returned in moments bare-chested with a towel wrapped around his waist. He turned a faucet to drip on the rocks, turned a timer on and settled himself with his back to the wall cradling her in his arms. “Are you feeling better?”
She smiled lazily and reached to touch his face, “I am.”
“Karen is the best.”
“I am so grateful, Joseph. Thank you.”
“So you would go out with me again?”
She smiled and nodded.
“You smell so good.”
“I’m slippery.”
“It’s good for your skin.” She grabbed hold of him as he pretended to drop her and then pulled her to him laughing. “Are you feeling more comfortable in front of me?”
“Yes.”
“I’m glad.” He lowered her in his arms and she watched his face as he looked at her breasts. He put his hand on her waist and then looked into her eyes. “I’m proud of you for earlier. I know it was hard.”
“Nora was who I talked to. Once I found out she told her friend I didn’t talk to her anymore. I haven’t told anyone since. I wasn’t planning on it.”
“It helps me to understand your trust issues.
“I would like to know about you.”
“Know what?”
“Everything.” She smiled hesitantly, “Whatever you want to tell me about you before you came here, about your family.”
That little sigh and a look Gwen couldn't read. He had expected the question. “My family wasn't like yours. I lived in a very insular community. I could walk to school or the store or the park. We knew the neighbors. My dad was my little league coach. I was the third of four boys. My mom called us her stairsteps.” He stopped and sighed again and tried to smile. “Derek, my older brother, wanted a bike. My dad had picked up a couple used bikes at garage sales, but he wanted one of the ones that could do the tricks. Dad told him to get a job and so he started with the paper route. We mowed lawns for the neighbors and got a couple more paper routes in nearby neighborhoods. Mom drove if the weather was bad, but otherwise we did it all ourselves.”
“How old were your other brothers?”
“Derek was three years older, Sean, two, Eric was two years younger.”
“What was your name?”
He paused, “Jacob.” His hand trembled slightly as he brushed a stray hair from her face. “Everything revolved around baseball in the summer. Except for on Sundays. Sundays were special. We were brown as indians.”
“What did your dad do?”
“Both my parents were teachers. My dad taught high school and coached baseball. My mom taught second grade. She taught at our elementary school. Eric was in her class.”
“You don't have to talk anymore if you don't want to.”
He nodded and pulled her close. He was sweating freely and his hair was curling above his ears. “The thing that bothers me the most is the pain they must feel because they don't know what happened to me. Julia showed me a picture of my mom holding on to the front of my dad’s shirt. His head was down. They both looked so beaten. The headline said ‘Glenbrook boy still missing, feared dead’. The article quoted my mom as saying that the hard part was not knowing what had happened to me.”
“What did they do to you to beat you down?’
“The training wasn't the same when I came as it is now. I was pretty much just offered to clients. I was raped repeatedly. Within a few months I stopped fighting. I stopped speaking. I would just do whatever they told me. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't respond to anyone. I was like that for a long time and then John came. He was twenty-six. He asked if he could spend some time with me. He used to hold me all night long. He never did anything to me. He just held me. Finally I just woke up one day and realized where I was. He talked until he was hoarse. He got them to take me out of circulation for a few days. He taught me how to survive. I had to go back, but I hung on to what he said and he stayed by my side every chance he got. I followed him around like a lost puppy after that. It was probably a couple months before I finally even spoke to him.”
Gwen touched his face and he looked at her suddenly. His eyes were glassy. “I'm so frightened.”
He nodded. “I know.”
“Did you ever try to escape?”
“There is no way. I know more about this place than anyone inside except Julia. There is no way.”
“What do you know of what goes on outside?”
“John reads the paper everyday, but I am not so interested. This is the world I live in. He tells me the highlights. Things Julia chooses to show me. Things clients mention. The twin towers. War in Afghanistan and Iraq. The gulf war was going on when I was taken.”
“Julia has been in charge the whole time?”
Joseph nodded. “For a long time anyway. She ran one of their other brothels that was moved in here in the late eighties.”
“She can leave?”
“Yes.” He watched the wheels turn and shook his head. “Don't even think about it. The punishment is severe.”
“Did she show you anything about my disappearance?”
“She emailed me the articles.”
“I want to see them.”
The buzzer sounded. Joseph shut things down and led her to a shower. He removed the towel and turned the water on. Gwen saw that his nudity didn’t even occur to him until he turned and saw her face. He took her hand and hugged her. He needed her comfort and she knew she needed his. They hugged tightly as the water ran over them. “Is it okay if I wash you?”
Gwen squeezed him tighter and nodded. She was crying again. She stood with one hand on his waist and the other on the showerhead, her cheek near his jaw as he washed her tenderly. “This is a different kind of love, Gwen. Feel the tenderness. It has nothing to do with sex. I need you to remember this kind of love when you don’t understand. There will be times when I have to hide myself, but I will always come back.” He turned her and washed her back and between her legs. He squatted next to her as he washed her legs and even her feet and between her toes.
There was no arousal in him and she felt only tenderness for him as he stood and looked into her eyes when he finished. He closed his eyes as she touched his cheek and stood for her as she washed him.
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