A desperate attempt to understand the need for humiliation
Ever since I entered puberty, I was very interested in sex. It consumed a good
portion of my conscious daytime thoughts. I assumed that it was normal. Since I
had low self confidence and was more of an introvert, I did not have an actual
girl friend until I was 17. I didn't have to many friends either. So with
little opportunity to learn from someone else or share thoughts with others, I
had only my imagination to explore with. I found that by imagining myself in
many diverse, sometimes perverse sexual scenarios, I would get very horney
leading to an explosive orgasm brought on usually by myself. I would imagine
having sex with different girls, all who actually existed either in school, on
my block, or other areas I frequented. As time went on, I came to realize that
I was attracted the most by the girls that were in my mind, out of my league.
Occasionally I became daring enough to I found my self sticking notes on their
lockers, dropping hints, trying anything that would attract their attention.
Sometimes one would find what I was up to out and then they would confront me
to set me straight. If I was lucky, they would just laugh at me and explain in
vivid terminology how little chance i had with them. One girl told me that
because she felt sorry for me that I could lick her feet , right there in the
hallway, in front of her friends. She became insistent that I do this, telling
me how lots of guys would die to worship her feet. She took off her shoe and
raised her foot into my hand and dared me on. I just walked away. That night
all I could think about was that moment of time. I got very aroused fantasizing
that I took her up on her offer, dropping to my knees, and sucking her toes as
her friends laughed at me . I eventually found myself imagining myself being
made to do other things by these girls, like being pissed on or being made to
play with myself in front of them.
One other memorable time, one girl told me that she had a jealous boyfriend and
if he found out I was looking at her, I might get hurt. Despite the warning ,
I kept on trying to be around her. Eventually, her boyfriend along with a
few of his friends, found me in the bathroom in the boys locker room. He asked
me why I was bothering his girlfriend after being warned. I denied everything ,
only to be pushed around, smacked in the face, and threatened with actions
designed to be very humiliating and degrading including things like having my
head dunked in a backed up toilet or being tied to the school fence, naked.
That night I jerked off for hours, picturing myself in every situation I was
threatened with that day. I imagined myself being trapped by a group of
devious delinquents, being forced to drink from a toilet or having the whole
school find me tied spread eagle completely naked to the fence, with the words
"sex slave" painted on my chest. I even started to ad my own made up scenarios
including bizarre things like be made to suck this guys dick. This quickly
evolved in to be made to suck his dick in front of his girlfriend, while she
verbally taunted me and edged me on . The variations of my fantasies were
many, but they all seemed to have one thing in common. Everyone of the
thoughts that lead to an erection, involved my being humiliated sexually in
some way. I came to find out that the more humiliating my fantasies were,
the hornier I got. This is where I am at today, and I want to discover why.
I am not gay, as I am turned on by and attracted to girls. I have no desire to
kiss or hug a guy under any circumstances. Yet under the right circumstances I
believe I would without hesitation subject myself to the humiliation of
having sex used as a weapon against me by another guy. In all instances, I am
forced to participate in acts designed to teach me a lesson I would never
forget. These acts would be committed by people who were turned on by
sexually humiliating me. They would enjoy exercising their power over me, and
would seek to break me mentally by having me willingly submit to their whims,
usually in front of others.
At some point after I moved out of my parents house and lived by myself, I
discovered that I was very turned on by my own body. I would wear bikini
underwear around the house. Without intending to do so I would catch a glimpse
of myself in the mirror, or when I was relaxing in bed, and focus on my thighs,
the adequate bulge in my underwear, my flat stomach or shapely ass. This
resulted in my thoughts immediately changing completely from what ever I was
thinking about to sex. I wished I could step out of my body and give myself a
blowjob. I masturbated long and hard, and once even positioned my body so that
I shot my load into my face. I think I enjoyed having cum shot on my face
more than the actual pleasure of jerking off till orgasm. I realized then that
I must have a deep rooted need to be made to feel humiliated. Even if I end up
humiliating myself. Why would anyone have such a powerful need to experience
being on the receiving end of sexual torment, degradation, abuse, perverted
actions, and potentially life altering humiliation and backlash.......All for
the entertainment of those who would sincerely enjoy inflicting them on me?
They would enjoy every aspect of their actions against me. They would not only
get off on any physical pleasure I would be made to provide them, but they would
feel great satisfaction that it was ME servicing them. The goal would be to
test my limits, seeing just how much power they had by discovering what I would
find personally very humiliating and utilizing that information to achieve
their goal of heightened sexual pleasure.
When I eventually found a girl friend, my thoughts started to include events
like her cheating on me with another guy. I was turned on by the thought of
another guy having sex with my girl. I actually hinted that I wouldn't mind if
se had sex with someone else, preferably with her ex boyfriend or someone else
that didn't like me or blamed me for something that happened to them. Thoughts
of my girlfriend doing it with another guy quickly changed to thoughts of
catching her in the act, after witch she would tell me something like "get used
to it", or "I need someone a bit larger than you from time to time". After
accepting this, I would soon be made to service him, at her request. She would
tell me that if I sat quietly and was good, I could lick the both of them clean.
I would come to accept their view that I needed and deserved this for my own
good.
When I was 20, I was living with my best friend sharing an apartment with him to
save money. Even though he was a good person, they type of guy would give you
his last dollar or go way out of his way for you, I would often abuse him
without guilt or regrets. I would do anything to him that served my needs,
simply because I knew he would accept it. At first i did things seemingly
unrelated to anything personal or sexual. I would search his room to steal his
rent money, eat his food, play practical joke on him, basically taking
advantage of him in every way. After about a year of this, he started to
express unhappiness about my actions. He told me to stop taking his food and
drinking his soda from the bottle. I didn't stop, and laughed to myself every
time I left him with a near empty bottle of soda . I would deny knowing
anything about it and he would know I was lying. That week I came home from
work, found a quarter full bottle of coke in the fridge, and took a big swig.
It had a taste, not familiar but very identifiable. He pissed in it. I put it
back, not wanting him to know he got me. I kept thinking how he planned this act
of treachery and wondered how he visualized it. I never mentioned it to him, but
it did change the way I perceived him. He was starting to fight back. No longer
would he be an easy target. The anti was raised in my opinion, calling for more
personalized approach to him. I wanted to break him mentally. I wanted him to
openly admit that he was know match for me, and that his existence revolved
around my needs. I wanted to do something to him that would humiliate him
completely and burn in his head forever. After considerable thought, I knew
what I wanted to do. I wanted him to willfully suck my cock and enjoy doing it.
Although he was not gay, or even hinted about having sex with a guy, I thought i
may have had enough influence left to make it possible. At first i started
hanging out in my underwear, subtly trying to act sexy or doing other things get
him aroused. I thought that if I was turned on by my body, maybe he would be
too. He never had a girl friend, only his hand to satisfy him. Maybe he would be
desperate enough to touch another males body, I enjoyed the attempts, thinking
about how he was going to convince me to let him suck my manhood. Soon after I
met this girl who started coming around and hanging with me. We were kind of
dating, and she was very open-minded. I soon elicited her help in getting my
room mate horny enough to do what I wanted. I had her dress sleazy and openly
tease him.......knowing that he was very aroused by her actions. I was very
excited when she teased him like this. Knowing that he wanted her, my
girlfriend, turned me on. I hinted to her that I would love to see if she
could convince him to suck me in return for the slightest chance of her having
sex with him. I would have gladly let him fuck her, if he sucked me in front of
her.
When I started dating this new girl, things got even more exciting. She was sexy
and a nympho. She was also married in a bad relationship she was trying to get
out of. I was being used and knew it. But I had nothing better, so I accepted
it. She still had contact with her violent husband, including sex with him,
while I watched her kids. Although I was mad she did this, I was also turned on
by it. I don't know why. All I knew is that he blamed me for her moving out
and wanted her back. He broke my car window, threatened me with phone calls,
even came to my house with a crow bar to scare me. She would tell me to be
careful, that he was capable of anything. This led to thoughts of him breaking
into my apartment , and harming me and taking her. It then evolved into
fantasies of him proving to his wife that I wasn't as much of a man as he was
by making me service him orally in her presence. She would plead with me to do
whatever he says so I don't get hurt. She would watch, and become aroused by
seeing her husband and myself doing these things just for her. He
eventually went away, but the fantasies stayed awhile. But my room mate was
still there. He used every opportunity to try and offer her a better life than
I could. He was trying to steal her from me as an attempt to get even for all my
years of screwing him. What a victory it would be, stealing my squeeze leaving
me sexless knowing he was getting it often. When we were fighting or not
talking, she would spend more and more time with him. When I objected, she
broke up with me and started dating him. He tried to be nice about it at first,
saying it was no big deal. I knew he was really getting off on this, putting me
in my place, showing me who won. They eventually started leaving me out of
things, hinting to me how much they enjoyed each others company. All I could
think about was how this could happen. A year ago I was on top of the world,
enjoying my girlfriend and keeping my room mate in his by humiliating him
frequently for my own amusement. Now he was with my girlfriend and I was alone.
I imagined how she must have told him about my plans to have him suck me as she
watched. She must have told him everything. All my plans to humiliate him
horribly in a sexual way. If he indeed told her these things, he would no doubt
consider turning the tables on me and take advantage of me in my vulnerably
defensive condition. I thought about how she was telling him everything in
detail, apologizing for cooperating with my perverted plans. I pictured his
face as she serviced him, the feeling he must of had thinking about my
suffering at his hands. I now had to consider the possibility that they were
planning to do the very things to me that I wanted to do to him. He would take
great pleasure in having her deliver an ultimatum to me to participate in my own
devious plans, being on the receiving end of the brutal humiliation, or she
would move out with him. . I knew then that if she told me to cooperate , I
would have done so without to much resistance. I started accepting this
scenario. I pictured myself being made to masturbate quietly as they engaged in
foreplay. I even took a sneak peek at him in the shower to see his manhood to
determine if i could possibly be turned on enough to drop to my knees before
him. I even started liking the idea. Even though I lost big, that whole
experience gave me a feeling of contentment or easiness. I felt fulfilled in
some way living the most humiliating chapter of my life. To this day, thoughts
of them and me in some type of sexual exchange never fails to get me hard. The
thought of them using me for sex, in kinky and unusual ways for their own
satisfaction , makes me want to live the experience to this day. Why does it
excite me so?
That happened ten years ago. Now I am married, but the same fantasies follow me
today. I am turned on when my wife inadvertently arouses our male friends, and
even tried to get her to do so intentionally. When I am in her, about to cum,
my thoughts are of her being done by some other guy. I even hinted that I
wouldn't mind. I would love to have a threesome with her and a guy. Of course
she would have to be into it, excited about the prospect.
Unfortunately, none of my fantasies ever came to pass, despite my best efforts.
When I tried to talk about it in an anonymous way with all the participants,
they all thought it was disgusting and sick. They were in no way turned on at
all by the idea of humiliating someone sexually, or participating in bi sexual
activity for any reason.
So here I am, trying to figure out why I am turned on by these things that other
see as revolting. I am committed to living out these fantasies, with someone,
sometime. I am hoping that someone who reads this may understand my situation.
If you have had similar feelings, or advise for me, please contact me! I need to
talk with someone, anyone who will listen and understand. I eagerly await your
email.
Chris
