Hi,

As English isn’t my mother tongue, it wasn’t easy to write down this story. Sometimes it’s hard to find the right term, so I hope the story isn’t getting boring soon, especially because this is the first story I ever wrote. But I wanted to write this in English, to give as many people as possible the chance to read it. Any corrections or comments are welcome.

The chapter about my childhood is mostly based on real life events. Because of legal matters some details were changed, because of my own life-long fantasies about the happenings I’m sure some parts will be spiced up a bit or chronology may have been changed. But I’m sure that, if anyone involved in that part of my story would read it, they would recognize it and for sure they will know who I might be.

Chapter 1 : My childhood

Hi. First let me introduce myself. I'm Eric, a 36 year old guy living in a small town in Europe. I'm 1m75cm tall, 89 kilograms, making me a little bit overweight. Last year I divorced from my now ex-wife. We had a relationship for 14 years, but as happens so often all passion disappeared slowly, growing out of each other. Our sex life was pretty dull. Since my wife ended up in a depression she often had no interest in sex, leaving me frustrated. I didn't want to push on my wife to have sex, because this only made her feel guilty, which strenghtened her depression. I really always tried to support her as much as possible, but with no succes. I never cheated on her, unless you think that jerking of before my pc, browsing trough some porno, is cheating. It's after she bumped in on me during this activity that we had a serious discussion. The conclusion of this was, that altough we didn't have much big problems, that our relation wasn't bringing what we wanted neither. Besides that she was upset by the way she trapped me (and the BDSM-nature of the website I was looking at), she wasn't feeling happy with me anymore (allready for a long time) but never had the courage to break up. She feared to be alone, the thing she appreciated was the support she got from me, although that on the other hand our relationship was keeping her from happiness. If I had to be honest, I wasn't receiving the things I expected from a relation myself. So we we decided to divorce, giving 'freedom' to each other, but staying 'good friends'.

But this story starts a lot earlier in my life. As a kid I was a little bit shy, I think you can say asocial. I did not have much self-esteem and always felt unsure about having contact with other kids. It was very hard to make any friends for me. I liked games I could do on my own more than playing with others. I wasn't a swashbuckler at all, was not good in sports and had few social skills. On top of this I was a very small kid, even all girls (except one) were taller than me and was allready a little overweight at that time. On the playground of my school I was often standing alone, I had not to much friends to play with. When building up teams for a soccer- or other game I was always the last one chosen, never got a pass from my teammates, often excluded from the game. Most of the time, if I was playing with other kids, it was with the girls. At school and in the youth movement I often was bullied by my friends. Even at home I was pestered by my older sister. She was what they call a tomboy and allways bossed me around. She liked to play with my toys and was strong enough to just take them from me, leaving me no other choise than playing with her dolls and other girlish things. Above off all this I was rather naive and amendable. If people pushed me a little bit, they could make me do everything. Offcourse I was not happy with being alone all the time, be excluded and bullied. So, whenever I got the feeling to have only the smallest chance to belong to a group, I was happy to do everything they asked me. Unfortunately the effect was most of the time only there for a very short time, leaving me alone in one or another corner of the playground again when the fun was over. When getting older things only got worse. I turned out to be rather late in my sexual development, so when my 'friends' were allready exploring their bodys, showing off to each other and getting interested in girls, I just wasn't aware of anything like that. This offcourse made me the laughingstock

of the group. My friends often made misuse of my status as mug to get me doing all kind of stuff, they knew to use my need to be a part of their group in  very creative ways. Often I ended up naked. This went on during my whole youth. One time bart, Peter and Frank decided to build up a 'secret club', doing all kind of activities that seemed very daring to us that time, most of the time only some harmless pranks if I think about them now. When they asked me if I wanted to be a memeber of the club I was very happy to say yes. Offcourse I had to do some initiation. We all went to a barn in our village, where I would be interviewed about my reasons to become a member of the club. While being interviewed I had to stand in front of them, the jurors, who would decide if my answers were good enough. But before the interview was started and was informed about the rules and aims of the club, I had to show I really was serious about becoming a member. I could do this by showing them my dick during the interview. Soon I was standing before them, holding my shirt up, my pants on my ankles, legs spread as far as possible. Being interviewed like this was very degrading to me, but I did earn the right to become a member of the club. One time we went to the forest nearby the village to build up a fort. I was asked to join them only to find that once the fort was ready I had to crawl inside and get naked in front of them. Sometimes when we were playing games like 'cowboy & indians' or other childgames where someone was the captive and the other ones were capturers, I always ended up as the captured one. Often after being captured I was bound, making me defenseless. To add to their 'power' over me, I was stripped and blindfolded, giving them a chance to show their 'bait' to anyone they wanted. I'm not sure about the fact if they showed me to other people, but they always threathened to do this. If they did I never knew to whom.

When we were 18 we all went on rooms in the city where we studied. Me, Bart, Marc, Peter and Frank all were in the same house, together with about 20 other ones. Bart always was the leader of the gang, coming up with the most crazy ideas, a litlle bit of a swashbuckler too, but always succeeding in getting himself in the spotlights. Bart, Peter and Frank always teamed up, they would never betray each other. In the hierarchy of our group they were on top. Marc was one year younger than us, causing him to be under them in hierarchy. He had to prove himself to belong to the group, to gain the right and honour to be part of the gang. He had to follow their rules and whims, but at least he was accepted by them. In the hierarchy he was way above me, for sure.

On night we were gathering in the room of Bart, having a little party. The other guys soon were talking about their sexual experiences. I kept myself out of the conversation again. I was aware of the fact that I didn't have much to say in these because of my lack of sexual development, their conversation opened a new world to me. I didn't mingle in the conversation being afraid to be catched on this and becoming ridiculised once again. Things went on some time, untill Bart came up with the idea to show each other their dicks.

Bart: "Hey Eric? You're still awake?"

Eric: "Yes."

B: "Why didn't you say anything?"

E: "Don't know."

I began to feel very uneasy, a little nervous, afraid of getting caught in not knowing anything about that all. But at the same time I was angry at myself, angry because once again I couldn't match them, because once again I didn't succeed in being a part of the group, because I noticed I was lesser developed than my friends. Once again I was running behind and I was angry and ashamed because of this.

B: "You heard what we are going to do?"

E: "Yes."

B: "Maybe you can take a start?"

E: "No."

B: "Why Not?"

E: "I don't know? I just don't like to do this time."

I couldn't come up with anything, maybe because if I was really honest with myself, I wanted to be part of the group and play the game along. Maybe I wanted to show my dick, just like they were going to do, but I didn't dare. Again I was afraid. I didn't trust the whole situation and was afraid of being the greenhorn again in the end.

B: "Ok, but then you can't look. You have to understand that."

E: "Offcourse. I'll turn around."

B: "Ok, that's fine with me. Get into my bed under the blankets, when were done you can join us again."

I don't know why I wasn't just leaving the room, or why they didn't make me leave. I suppose they just planned on things that happened after this, I never got to know. Then they started to show their dicks to each other. I didn't see anything, but I suppose they just sat in front of each other, lowering their pants a little bit so their prick was showing. Bart went first, only 10 seconds later He asked who was next, so he did only show for a very short time. Peter and Frank went after him, also for a few seconds. Then it was Marc' turn. When he wanted to pull his pants up again he was stoppted by the other ones. They wanted to have a closer look. The whole thing only lasted a few minutes. Then I heard Peter.

Peter: "Hey, he was peeking."

Marc: "Yeah, I think I saw him looking too."

Bart: "What? Eric, is that true? You promised not to look?"

Eric: "But I didn't look." I Stammered.

P: "He's lying. He was pushing up the blanket a bit so he could peek through it, I'm sure."

B: "Why are you lying to us?"

E: "I don't"

B: "Come on, there's 2 people who saw you peeking through. I rather believe them."

E: "But I really didn't look." (which was true, as a matter of fact.)

B: "Stop lying. You better come here to show us your willie too."

E: "I really didn't look." I was almost crying right now, knowing thet there wouldn't be much left to me than do as they said, I felt stupid again. I better joined in from the beginning.

F: "I think he doesn't dare to show his dick because it's too small." This comment was humiliating me even more, being unsure of myself I really was afraid of ending up with the smallest one of the pack. As a matter of fact I still was a smallish boy who didn't developed yet in a psysical matter like the other ones. You could see that easily every sportsclass.

B: "Is that true, Eric? You don't dare to show your dick because of that?"

E: "No, I dare. I just don't like to do so."

B: "Come on, you have to make up something to us."

E: "I really didn't look" I sobbed.

B: "Show your dick or we tell everyone what a wimp you are and that you have a miniature version of a dick."

E: "But ..." I was interrupted immediately.

B: "Come here right now. Wimp"

B, P, F & M: "Wimpie, wimpie, wimpie ..."

Slowly I got from under the blankets and went to the place where they were sitting. I don't know what was going through my mind by this time, but there was a mix of emotions waving through me. I was feeling shyness, shaming, humiliation, anger, fear, ... When I arrived their side of the room I was ordered to lay on my back on the carpet in the middle of them. I was wearing a tracksuit and a shirt. Soon I was ordered to lift my shirt, which i hesitantly did. But I only pulled it up a little bit, just enough to release the waistband of my pants. Bart said me to pull it higher, he wanted to see my belly and niplles, so I pulled up the shirt just under my armpits. Then I had to raise my arms. They were giving some rude comments about being fatty, having no muscles, being powerless. Then they started to tickle me. I was feeling completely vulnerable. I just couldn't give any resistance. They were tickling me to hell, causing me to yell and laugh out loud. Soon the concierge was knocking on the door, asking we could keep quiet because some other people were trying to sleep. I hoped that they would leave me alone after this, but offcourse things went on.

P: "I don't want him to see us when we're taking a look at his dick. I think we should blindfold him, a little bit of a punishment for looking when he wasn't allowed too."

B: "Yeah, good idea."

B: "Do we have something we can use as a blindfold?"

F: "We can use his shirt."

B: "You heard it. Just blindfold yourself with your shirt."

I wanted this humiliating situation to end asap, so I hurried myself out of my shirt and winded it up so I could use it as a blindfold. Now I was laying there in my naked torso, arms up. Soon someone was pulling on the waistband of my pants, everybody taking a look into them. I was asked to raise my hips so they could lower my pants. They went down to my ankles. There were a few waves of tingles going through my belly by now, a mix of excitement, fear and humiliation, but these tingles also caused my dick to stiffen. This must have been showing clearly through my briefs and soon I got the question why my dick was getting hard. Then Bart gave Marc the command to unfold my willie. He slowly pulled on the waistband of my briefs, lifting them up a little bit and giving everyone the chance to peek into them. Soon he was pulling my briefs downwards, I helped him by raising my hips a little bit. He left them around my knees. By this time feelings of shame were coming to the foreground again. This was only strengthened by comments about how small my prick was and the lack of hair around it.  But my dick betrayed me and showed clear evidence of my arousal too. And yes, I was aroused. As this was all new for me I really was overwhelmed by these sensations, making me oscillate between joy and distress. But since at this moment the joy was stronger then the distress, I wasn't thinking of escaping anymore. So when I was asked to spread my legs as far as possible, so they could have a real nice look, I just did so. But the briefs at my knees and pants at my ankles limited my movements, to my friends their disappointment. I agreed in having my briefs pulled down to my ankles too, but still they hadn't the desired effect. But what was not good enough for them was way to far for me. i really felt vulnerable by now, being exposed completely like this and getting afraid of not being fast enough to cover up when someone was coming in. I felt a little relieved when they told me that I could close my legs again, when suddenly someone grabbed my briefs and pants and pulled them of my ankles. I didn't dare to yell something, afraid of drawing attention of the concierge, so I just let it pass. This time my legs were pulled apart wide, making me even more exposed and vulnarable. I was told not to move and keep my arms and legs spread wide. Despite that by this time I made up for my assault (that, as a surplus, I didn't commit) abundantly, I didn't dare to stand up against my friends and I just stayed there, laying between them, completely naked, blindfolded and spreading myself out as much as I could, giving them full access to my body. Unless the humiliation that was building up again by now, my dick stayed rock hard. This only got 'worse' when the four of them started playing my balls and dick. Everyone of them took his time to play along with my hardone, pulling him to the right or the left as far as possible and then releasing him, causing my dick to sway from one side to another, to all their amusement. Then someone pulled him between my legs, away from my belly. When he released him he landed with a smack on my belly, making a flopping sound. They played with me like this for awhile, making me feeling ashamed as hell. Nevertheless, the feelings of joy and arousal kept me where I was, secretly hoping that going along with their whims all this way I would become accepted more by them and would that this would give me the chance to climb the social ladder a bit. My excitement only grew when Bart asked Marc to play my foreskin a bit. When he started to pull it back and forth time after time I slowly started to pant in his hands. As I never masturbated before, afraid of anything like this because of my 'religious' education, also this was new to me. I was deeply ashamed by my reactions to his handling and had a hard time to hide my physical reactions to it. I did my best not to start panting under his hands, tried to breath as normal as I could, afraid for the reactions when I would start breathing heavily and start to buck my hips with Marcs movements.

Next few days all things went quite normal, well, normal in that way that we all had some amusements like students do, going to partys and so on. But I was involved in these social activities more than otherwise, which gave me a very satisfied feeling. I really felt accepted. This made that I didn't worry about comments like "flopper", "tiny pricky" or "stiffy stiff". When they directly asked questions like "What's that bulge in your pants?" or something like that I felt a litlle more unease, but being engaged more widely made up for this. Only that one time when we were in the city park and they pulled down my shorts, giving the comment "Hey guy, just checking you had your briefs on!" before they all ran away, laughing out loud, made me feeling ashamed and rejected.

A week after this, when I didn't think about the happinings from the week before anymore we were in barts room again.

B: "Hey Eric, why don't you show us your willie again."

E: "No, I'm tired, I just want to go to sleep"

B: "Come on, the sooner you get here, the sooner you can get back to your room to sleep. Just don't spoil our fun, right."

E: "But I really don't want to do this again."

F: "Hey, we did our best to engage you in our activities last week, this is the least you can do for us now. Don't ruin things right now and give us a chance to have some fun too."

P: "Yes, if you want to be a part of our group than you will have to do something for it. Just like Marc, for him it's no problem to show us his doick again, isn't it Marc?"

M: "No, i'll do it."

B: "You see, you won't be the only one who's showing his dick, so come here now."

E: "Ok then, but only if Marc is doing it too."

Again I gave in because of the promise to be a part of the group, a feeling which was strengthened by the experiences that day. And the fact I wasn't the oly one made it less humiliating to me. So I got over to their spot again. They told me to lay on my back and pull off my shirt. Then I had to blindfold myself again.

E: "But why I have to do that? I want to see Marc showing his dick too. You promised that."

B: "No, we promised that he would show his dick to us too, but not that you could see it."

E: "But how do I know if he's doing it if I'm blindfolded."

M: "I'll do, don't worry."

P: "Just blindfold yourself now. As soon as you're blindfolded we'll have Marc show us his dick. Only when he did you'll have to show yours."

Reluctantly I gave in and blindfolded myself. Then they were asking Marc to lower his pants and I heard some fumbling with clothes, so I supposed Marc was showing his dick then. Then someone was pulling my waistband downwards, releasing my still flaccid cock.

F: "Let's compare who has the biggest one!"

B: "Yeah, good idea. Do you have something to measure them up."

F: "We can use this."

Then there was hold something against my cock to measure him. Shortly after they measured Marc' penis.

F: "And?"

P: "Marc has the biggest. Eric is only 5 cm long."

B: "You hear Eric, you lose."

E: "Mmm." I murmured, totally ashamed.

M: "I can pull up my pants now?"

B: "Go ahead."

I started to grab my pants to, thinking it was over, but I was stopped.

P: "Not you, I want to play with yours like last time."

In the meantime he started to squeeze my balls. I tried to protest, but to no excuse. During my protest someone grabbed my pants and briefs and pulled them off completely, once done this my legs were pulled apart. I mumbled a bit, but the directive way I was handled and the lack of consultation or consideration about my desires soon gave rise to feelings of vulnerability, shame, humiliation and defenselessness. These feelings were mignled again with a certain amount of arousal, which made me get an erection right in front of my friends.

I must have been beaten red by that time. I was ashamed that hard that I really wanted to flee to my room and start to cry. But I didn't dare to move an inch. The idea that this only would make them laugh at me even more stopped me from doing so. Next few minutes I let them play with my erection like the previous time, feelings moving from shame to enjoyment and arousal, which made me promptly forget about all the humiliation. They were not giving a real handjob, but just pulling a bit at my foreskin and groping a litlle bit around, but it was enough to turn me on. While they were doing this Bart and I had the following conversation.

B: "You like what we're doing?"

E: "Yes."

B: "Why?"

E: "It tingles in me penis and my belly, it feels funny."

B: "You never did this yourself?"

E: "No."

B: "You never play with your willie?"

E: "No." Offcourse this was hilarious to them.

B: "Why not?"

E: "Don't know"

B: "You're afraid to do?"

E: "No?"

B: "Ok, prove it. Take him in your hand." A little bit overwhelmed by this request I did as I was told, holding him between the tips of my fingers.

B: "Good. Now move your skin backwards ... and forwards ... back ... and forth ... back ... and forth ..."

B: "Massage your balls with your other hand ... Good, keep doing that"

B: "That's feeling funny too?'

E: "Yes." I sighed. In the meanwhile I heard some giggling from the others, but I was to much agitated to worry about it and just kept masturbating at a slow pace, making me squirm and silently moan in front of my friends. When my orgasm was building up I started to panic a little bit, not wanting to come in front of my friends. This really would make me the joke of the studenthouse, so I tried to resist my orgasm very hard. I really felt relieved when Bart said I could stop. When he asked me if they could see me getting hard again, I immediately complied.

B: "Do you think you can get flaccid again lying here?"

E: "No, maybe it's better I dress again untill then."

B: "Oh no, you can get under my blankets untill you're ready. And keep your blindfold on."

E: "Ok."

B: "Call us when you're ready."

E: "Ok."

When I was waiting in Bart's bed untill my cock went flaccid, I was getting a bit sad about the turn of events. All those feelings of humiliation, shame, inferiority and desperation were getting me numb. I felt unsure, hollow and bedraggled. Not knowing what I had to think. I started to cry silently and forgot completely about the expectation to show them getting a hardone again. I was torn away from my worries when someone was pushing against my feet.

B: "Hey pecker, still hard?"

E: "Yes" I lied, scared awake. "I'll call you when I'm ready."

After a minute or two:

E: "My cock is flaccid now. I can come over now?" The fact of having to ask this myself humiliated me deeply, but all my (allready not exsisting) resist was broken harshly by now, so I just went along and didn't think about this anymore. I just wanted to have this over as soon as possible.

B: "Yeah, we're ready."

The next few minutes I was naked between my friends once more. When they had their little show again I was dismissed. I hurried myself to my room. Everybody said goodnight. I slept in, sobbing softly.

The next day started quite normal again, but this time the jokes and pranks were a little more frequent, reminding me constantly of our nightly activities and keeping me in a constant state of humiliation. My shame about the whole situation made I didn't dare to stand up, afraid that other people would get to know what I did at night. So I let pass all these further humiliations, but mentally I was getting used up. There was no resistance left in me. That night I was summoned to show my willie again. I didn't protest anymore. In the meantime I knew that this wouldn't help anyhow. So I got to the carpet between my friends and lay there on my back. I pulled off my shirt and blindfolded myself, they even didn't need to ask it this time, I just did it out of my own.

B: "Good, you allready know what to do."

P: "Yeah, I think he likes it to show his willie again."

F: "Yes, I'm sure he does. He even didn't protest anymore. I'm sure he was looking forward to the moment we would call him. He looked very impatient to me when he was coming here."

They were talking about me, without engaging me in their conversation. They were talking like I even wasn't there, adding to the humiliation of having to show my dick again. I really didn't look forward to being in the center of attention this way again, but just wanted to have this passed asap. But not having any resistance left I just lay there, letting it go. I didn't react to there assumptions as I knew this only would exalt their taunting. No, in contrast to my shame and humiliation about the situation I started to lower my pants and briefs, displaying my allready hard cock. I left them around my knees, didn't want to lose them allready.

F: "You see, he really likes it, he's rock hard allready."

M: "Yeah, he really must have been looking forward to it, I'm sure he's eager to play with himself again."

B: "Hey Eric, spread your legs and give us a good show." I started doing so and played with my cock for a few moment, then I really was crushed with shame and humiliation. While Peter was pulling on the waistband of my briefs, I heard him say: "Oh my God, look at this." He lifted the waistband a little more, so everybode could have a good look in my briefs. On the back of it were a few skid marks.

B: "Eeks, how gross."

F: "Yuk, That really is shit?"

M: "Oh fuck, he's still shitting his pants."

B: "Eric, you do this often?" I was in such a deep shame by know that I couldn't get any answer over my lips. I just lay there speechless, tears were welling up in my eyes, this would follow me for a long time. I never would get accepted this way and would be mocked for the rest of my life about this.

F: "I think he does, he even doesn't answer your question. I wouldn't answer neither if I had to tell that I was shitting my pants."

F: "Maybe from now on we can call him pantyshitter, that would suit him."

B: "Yeah sure!. You like that, pantyshitter?" Again I mumbled something like no, but I'm sure they even didn't listen to that, they just were laughing at me and bullying me about being a baby who still shitted in his panties. They really had the time of their life. I was crying by this time. But I was devastated, an emotional wreck, not able to stand up and defend himself, even not capable of running away from his decay. Then I was ordered to go back to my room. They were disgusted by me and didn't want me nearby them anymore.

That night Bart came to my room, we never locked our doors, so he just came to the side of my bed.

B: "Hey, pantyshitter, you're sleeping yet?"

E: "No."

B: "You still have those dirty knickers on?"

E: "No."

B: "May I feel your willie again?"

E: "No, leave me alone. I want to sleep now."

B: "If you don't want me to tell everybody in the house that you still shit your pants you just better do as I tell you."

E: "But, ..." I didn't finish my answer, it wouldn't help me anyhow.

Soon I felt his hand moving under my blankets, searching for the waistband of my pants. He told me to fold the top of my sleeping bag away, a few moment later I was laying there with my dick on full display again. Bart told me to blindfold myself. After I had done that he asked if I wanted to feel his cock. I nodded yes. In the meantime I had a hardone again, because he was been playing with my dick. He lowered his pants too and came on top of me. He started rubbing his cock against mine. I got worked up a little, starting to moan, but never was overwhelmed by these sensations, still a little numb from the previous happenings.

Next day I was pestered continuously about being a pantyshitter. I started to feel abandoned and depressed, getting angry at myself about being such a worthless piece of shit. I didn't think about myself as somebody who was worth to be defended, I even was worth it to defend myself. I didn't deserve anything else than being bullied, being the greenhorn and laughing stock of the group. This way I just let things happen to me, not being able to protect myself against the harm that was done to me.

Next day, when we were together in Bart's room again, Bart told me to get up and do a stripshow for them. I protested a bit, but soon gave in because Marc was going to strip together with me. Marc and I got up and both started dancing a little bit, girating our hips and caressing our entire body. Under Barts, Peters and Franks suggestions I started fondling my nipples under my shirt, moving the shirt up bit by bit. Marc was doing the same. We both took our shirt off. I continued moving my hands all over my torso, playing my nipples, and going back down, playing with the waistband of my shorts, under their instigation. When they asked me to pull up my shorts tightly, so my penis was emphasized in it, I just did, going a little bit closer to them so they could have a close-up view. When I turned around I did the same with the back of my shorts, pulling them between my asscheeks. They all cheered about this and started to stir me up to girate my hips a bit more. While dancing before them like this I started to play with the waistband of my shorts on the front again, lowering them a bit, and pulling them back up just before I turned around again. Then I did put my hand inside my shorts, to feel up my cock. I kept dancing while pulling down my shorts, letting them fall to my ankles. I stepped out of them with one foot, using the other foot to sway them away. I was dancing before my friends now with only my briefs on. I didn't notice that Marc was sitting on the side by this time, making me the only one who was stripping by now. I repeated the same with my briefs, pulling them tight and between my buttocks, playing a bit with the waistband, making it sensual in a way. When I walked to the corner on the other side of the room as the one where my friends were sitting, they suggested me to pull of my briefs, turn around and make a slide towards them (like soccer players do when they make a goal), in the meantime yelling "Here I am". I did as I was told, sliding towards them on my knees, knees spread wide, my body leaning backwards, my hands on the ground behind my back. This way I was exposed completely, not being able to cover up quickly, which made me feel very vulnerable.

The next year went quite the same as described above. Everyday I was being degraded in that sense that I had to show my briefs were clean. I had to strip in front of them, play with my dick, let them touch me anywhere they wanted, just giving them opportunity to do with me as they liked. Sometimes, when I was laying there naked, they invited some friends from the studenthouse. This way I was exposed to 'friends' of mine, but I didn't know whom had seen me naked and whom not. Offcourse this made me feel very uncomfortable when I was around with others. Sometimes,in weekends we were in our hometown, Bart asked me to come to his home. These times I allways ended naked and blindfolded in their basement, with Bart on top of me, rubbing his cock against mine. After summer our ways split up. I went to another studenthouse. But at this time I started to get a little bit more interested in sexual activities, starting to masturbate on a regularly basis. During these masturbation sessions I often fantasized about laying in front of my friends, or about my private encounters with Bart. In these fantasies I often ended as some sort of 'sex slave' to them, where I had to perform the most degrading acts like sucking their dicks, licking their feet to show my gratitude, even kiss or lick their asses to thank them for getting permission to swallow their cum or getting permission to come myself. I was made to pee my pants in public, or had to wear a diaper when they found stains in my briefs. Sometimes they made me wear girls panties and a bra. sometimes I sneeked into my older sisters room to take some of her panties and a bra. I did put them on while I was masturbating in front of a mirror. This way I could see myself such as my friends would see me when they made me doing this. Feelings of humiliation, degradation and shame were linked more and more with getting aroused. My desire to be humiliated again even got that strong that 2 times I walked past the home of Bart, hoping that he would see me and call me inside, but I never got the courage to contact him by myself. Although I wasn't aware about the BDSM-scene at that time, I really got accostumed with my submissive nature during these years. But this all faded away again during the following years when I had my first girlfriends and later when I got married to my wife. But with our sexlife getting pretty dull, like described in the first paragraph, I started to visit pornsites on the internet more often. Offcourse i was drawn to sites containing BDSM-stuff soon. Especially fetishisms like age-playing, spanking, cuckolding and watersports were getting my attention. Antything to do with humiliation got me rock-hard immediately. Soon enough I found myself masturbating in front of my PC nightly, fantasizing about being a worthless piece of shit servicing his superiors in any way they wanted. It's during such a session that my wife trapped me, which made het going frantic at first. But even then I still felt to ashamed to tell her about the humiliations I had to go through during my childhood.

CHAPTER 2 : MEETING AGAIN

Here I was, standing in front of my old friend whom I met again today. Nothing very special, you would say, if it wasn't that I was pulling up my shirt untill just underneath my armpits, my arms folded on shoulder heigth. On top of this I had my pants and briefs on my knees, legs spread as wide as the waistband would allow. With other words I was standing in front of my friend nearly naked, my cock standing up like a flagpole, rock hard. I was standing here like this while my friend was on the phone, not giving any attention to me. I think it was some kind of a businesscall, but I'm not sure about this as I wasn't really listening. No, I was pondering about the situation I was in. How had it come to this? Yeah, I knew the facts, 
 

It was a couple of months after my divorce that I accidently found the facebook Profile of Bart. After we connected up we soon decided to meet each other again. Bart was divorced  recently too, also searching a new way in life. We agreed to meet in a pub nearby my home. I was very nervous before our meeting, not sure what to talk about. I surely didn't want to end up talking about our childhood experiments, still being ashamed about this. Would he bring this theme up? I really hoped not. I just wanted to have some fun time with someone else, as lately I hardly went out, getting myself a bit isolated after the divorce. And yes, we had some good time in the pub, talking about life in general, our job, our divorce, the journeys we made in the past, the future, ... Having some fun too, talking about woman in general, making the tipical male comments about them, and about sex, ... Neither him, nor me did mention the happenings from the past. Nut yes, they were on my mind the whole nIght. I was constantly thinking about me standing in front of him, stark naked, and rock hard. While I was thinking about it I even got a hardone. I was hoping Bart didn't notice the bulge in my pants. But nevertheless time past by quickly, and the drinks too ... When the pub closed at 1am i suggested to go to my home, I had some really good brandy I wanted him to taste. Not that I had something special on my mind, as I knew myself only as a hetero, I wasn't really planning, or even thinking about having sex with him. But we both had drunk too much to drive, so maybe it would be better that he stayed at my home for the night. He could stay in the guestroom for the night, no problem. Only 10 minutes later we were sitting in my lounge, tasting some brandy. After praising the brandy Bart suddenly asked me.
Bart: "Do you like me?"
Eric: "How do you mean?"
B: " Well, I ust want to know if you like me?"
E: "I think I don't know you well enough to answer that question honestly, but at least I liked your company tonight."
B: "So you don't want sex with me tonight?"
E: "Pfrrr..." I choked on my brandy, spraying around what I had in my mouth, I was not able to give this an answer immediately.
B: "You're surprised by this question?"
E: "Yes."
B: "Well, I just was thinking so because you must have been rock hard all night, or did you think I didn't notice that bulge in your pants?"
E: "Euhm, ..." Again I didn't have an answer ready, getting stunned by his direct way of confronting me. I was taken over copletely, didn't know how to cope with this and not being able to get in charge again. Bart was gaining vomplete control and was taking me wherever he wanted. I felt really humble in his very confident presence. I felt weak and delivered to his whim.
B: "Isn't it right? Weren’t  you rock hard all night?"
E: "Yes." I said meakly.
B: "Tell me, what where you thinking about?"
E: "Do we have to talk about this. I really didn't intend on having sex with you when I asked you to my home. There's I gestroom where you can have youre nights rest."
B: "Yeah, and I think it's my right to know what you were thinking about while you were getting rock hard in my presence. You can be lucky I didn't ask this in the pub allready, so tell me now."
E: "But ..."
B: "NOW!" He yelled at me. Once again I was completely stunned, and not being able to stand up against him I started, hesitantly ...
E: "Well, ... I was thinking about those old days, when I had to stand in front of you and show you my dick ... and ..."
B: "And you were getting aroused by that?"
E: "I don't know ..."
B: "Come on, Yes or No."
E: "Yes."
B: "yes what?"
E: "Yes, I was getting aroused by thinking about how I had to stand in front of you naked." I must have been beaten red by now, tears were welling up in my eyes, feeling totally humiliated and ashamed.
B: "You're hard now again?"
E: "Yes."
B: "Just because you have to talk about this?"
E: "I think so..."
B: "Show me your hardone."
E: "But ..."
B: "But what? You don't dare to? You can think about me all night and getting aroused by it, but you don't dare to take it one little step further?"
E: "..."
B: "Or is it because you shitted your pants again?" I really was perplexed by this. Things really wer not running like I had in mind, I was falling deeper in dismey by the minute now. But I had to stand up against this. I couldn't act like a whimp here and had to stop this whole thing.
E: "Absolutely not!" I tried to say, as convinced as possible.
B: "You're sure?"
E: "Yes."
B: "I'm not convinced, I think I heard some hesitation in your voice."
E: "But ..." I muttered.
B: "Can you prove it?"
E: "I don't see how."
B: "I see only one way and that is by showing me" Once again I was aghast and only was able to mumble something unintelligible.
B: "If you want me to believe you're not shitting your pants anymore you better start asking me very nicely to check you're briefsright now!"
 
I just stood there for a moment, like a statue. I was perplexed by how things were turning. I couldn't believe I really was standing there in front of my friend and really was thinking about asking him to check my pants on some stains. Could I really degrade myself like that? Why didn't I just ask him to leave right now and end all this? Why was I going along with everything he pushed on me? Ok, I've always been someone who sooner would follow instead of leading other ones, but did ths mean that I had to lower myself like this? Nevertheless I started : "Bart, can you please check my briefs?"
 
B: "Check them on what?"
E: "Can you plese check if I didn't shit in my pants? Can you check if there aren't any stains in my briefs?"
B: "Stand in front of me."
I saw a grin on his face when I hesitantly went to him. When I was in front of Bart I lifted the hem of my shirt a bit, just enough to uncover the waistband of my pants. If I really was going to do this, I better should round it off quickly.
B: "Lift it higher ... higher ... higher." I was holding my shirt just under my armpits by now.
B: "Ok, now ask me again what you wanted me to do." What? Why did I have to do this? It wasn't yet humiliatiing enough to stand here in front of him to have them checked by him.
E: "Come on, can't you just check them?"
B: "I just want to be sure you really want it."
E: "But ..."
B: "NOW!"
E: "Please, can you check if there aren't stains in my briefs?" I wispered, eyes downcast, totally humbled by now.
B: "I didn't hear you. What did you say?"
E: "Can you please check my briefs?"
B: "Check your briefs on what?"
E: "Please, can you check that I didn't shit into my pants? Can you check if my briefs are clean?" By now my will was totally broken. I had tears running down on my face from humiliation, just being forced to ask not 1, but 5 times to check my pants. There was no denial anymore that I was a whimp, a complete sissy. If it wasn't clear yet from the beginning, then it was clear now that I would do everything bart would ask me. I was completely under his control by now, broken to the ground, totally downgraded.
B: "You really want me to do that?"
E: "Yes."
B: "Ok then. Come closer."
When I was just in front of him he slowly unzipped my pants and lowered them to my knees. Then he grabbed the waistband of my briefs and started to pull them downwards, but in the meantime my dick was rockhard, so the waistband got stuck behind it.
B: "Well, well. It seems you like this."
E: "Not really." I mumbled, totally ashamed about my erection. I felt like betrayed by my body.
At this time barts' mobile phone rang.
B: "Don't move. I'll be right back."
 
So here I was, standing nearly naked in front of my friend. But why didn't I resist? Why didn't I just get dressed again if I really didn't want this? How did it come I was standing in front of my friend nearly naked and was staying there like this? He didn't force me. And how did it come I was rock hard? Could you expect this from an adult man who was thinking about himself as a heterosexual, independent and autonomic being? Why did a well educated man of 36 let it come this far? Was it his underconscious mind who was driving him to do this, was he longing for this allready his whole life but never could allow this desire to come into his conscious mind? Did he suppress a submissive desire because this didn't fit in his view of life untill now? As a matter of fact he was fantasizing about this allready his whole adult life, wasn't it? But if he fantasized about being submissive allready for this long, why couldn't he just accept this state of mind? Why was he ashamed about being a submissive and bicurious male? These were the questions I was asking about myself.
Or maybe it was the alcohol I drunk during the evening that made me do this? Maybe it was the alcohol who took away my inhibitions and my resistance and made me an easy pray to my friend? But even in that case it was only my true nature coming to the fore, wasn't it? Anyway, I was not that drunk that I couldn't think clearly anymore, I still was capable of making my own decisions, I wasn't totally knocked out and taken advantage of by my friend. So, the only conclusion that I could draw from my thinking was the fact that my true nature was displayed here. I must have been a submissive all my life, but only got the chance and courage to act it out right now. Now I was overtly confronted with my true nature and couldn't denie it any longer. I had to admit that I had submissive feelings, I had to admit that being in a submissive position was turning me on, that I was getting turned on by humiliation and degradation. But did I want to be in this position in front of my old friend?
 
SMACK!!!!
 
Suddenly I was torn away from my dreamings ...
 
Bart : "Hey, I was talking to you!" Bart slapped me in the face, torning me away from my dreamings. I was perplexed, not being able to say something for a few moments. Then I mumbled: "I'm sorry, I must have been dreaming. I didn't hear you."
B: "What were you thinking about?!"
E: "Just the situation. My feelings about it."
B: "Tell me, what are those feeling?"
E: "I'm feeling very humiliated. I'm feeling degraded into some worthless piece of shit who doesn't mean anything to you, just like when we were childs, when I always was the laughing stock of the group, just being tolerated because you all could have some fun with me, but not really meaning something to you all. All these feelings are coming back right now."
B: "What were your feelings towards us in those days?"
E: "I always felt some kind of inferior, I think. I really looked up to you guys, I always tried to be a part of the group, a real part I mean, not just the fifth weel on the wagon. I wanted to be on the same level as you all but every time I was desillusionised in not being able to reach that level, I really started to believe you were better than me, superior to me."
B: "And right now these feelings are coming back?"
E: "Yes."
B: "So, at this moment you start feeling inferior to me again?"
E: "I think so."
B: "You're feeling like an abject child standing in front of his better and superior friend?"
E: "Yes."
B: "And you just went along with these feelings, you never tried to fight them and keep your dignity?"
E: "I tried to fight them but ..."
B: "Come on, let's be honest! If you ever really tried to fight these feelings you would not standing in front of me like this, isn't is?"
E: "But I really tried to fight them back, but I never could gain enough strength to really overcome them."
B: "Then maybe that's because you really ARE inferior and you just know that the place where you're standing now is your right place? What do you think? Or can you come up with another reason why you can't withstand the urge to submit to me?"
E: "Not immediately." I murmured. And yes, maybe he was right about that, if I couldn't withstand that urge maybe this was what I had to di, submit to him. How else could he make me do that? If I really was believing that we were equal, why couldn't I just stand up and tell him that I was not going to do wathever he told me to do? Why couldn't I protest and put this to an end? Why couldn't I do anything to keep my dignity?
B: "I can't neither. For me this was clear allready from the beginning, the way you followed me in every suggestion, your lack of self-esteem, your humble attituden your lack of initiative told me you were a dependant person who needs to be led by a stronger person. For you I'm such a stronger person, you need someone like me. And yes, this was allready clear when we were childs, when you always followed us, just to have te feeling to be someone, to mean something. You need the feeling of being guided by someone else. You only feel safe when you're being led by someone superior to you, not being able to make decisions by your own. Don't you think so?"
E: "I think so", I said hesitantly.
B: "Yes or no?"
E: "Yes ..."
B: "So you need me to led you?"
E: "Yes."
B: "If you really want me to do so, you better start showing me some more respect."
E: "How do you mean?"
B: "Don't you think it's more appropriate for someone inferior like you to address his superiors as sir?"
E: "But ..."
B: "Yes or no?"
E: "Yes."
B: "Yes what?"
E: "Yes, Sir." Holy shit, this was going to fast. I didn't want things to turn this way. I had to stop this!
B: "Good boy. Now we have setteled this you better take your briefs of and show them to me."
E: "But, ... Can't you just check them like this."
B: "Are you really asking me to go down on my knees to check your pants?"
E: "No, Sir. I'm sorry, Sir."
B: "Then now get the hell out of that briefs so that I finally can check them!" He yelled at me.
E: "Yes, Sir." Thus far my protest.
 
I immediately started to take off my shoes, pants and briefs and soon was holding out my briefs in front of Bart, so he could check them. The longer this night was lasting, the more I was on an emotional roller coaster.
 
I felt humiliated and degraded. I just felt like some dirtbag, a loser. Just like in my youth, when I was the laughing stock of the group. I was feeling like a child, being mocked at by his superior little friends. Otherwise there was the arousal. I was standing here in front of my friend, nearly naked, and I got tingles in my belly like a teenager being in love for the first time.
 
On the one hand I was getting angry. Angry at Bart because he treated me like this. Angry at myself because I didn't stand up and stopped this whole situation. On the other hand I just kept doing what Bart told me to do, I didn't give any resistance. Sometimes I was trying to get out of this, but never doing any real effort to escape. I longed for the attention he gave me, in some strange kind of way. There was some kind of desire in me who made me follow him everywhere.
 
On the one hand I felt completely vulnerable by now, completely left over into the hands of Bart. I didn't know where this was leading. Never could be sure at where Bart would stop, how far he would lead me. I felt completely exposed, mentally and physically. And on the other hand, I was feeling safe because control was taken out of my hands, I didn't need to bother about making decisions. Safe because I didn't need to be concerned about making the wrong choises. Safe because someone else was taking "care" of me.
 
In this mental state I was holding out my briefs for my friend, so he could judge them. And why? Just because I wanted to proof I didn't shit my pants anymore? Or was it because I was a natural born submissive who longed allready for some long time to be dominated by someone else? Did I denie my true nature untill now and did I just discover my real destiny tonight? Was I really inferior to Bart and was my real fate in life to serve someone like him?
Again I was snapped out of my reflections when Bart slapped me in the face.
 
B: "What's this?"
E: "My briefs."
B: "You're lauging at me, idiot? I mean this stain here? And"
E: "I don't see any stain, Sir."
B: "Right here, what's this?" There was a very tiny spot in my briefs, you hardly could see it.
E: "I don't know, Sir."
B: "I think it's shit."
E: "No, Sir"
B: "You're going to discuss me? I say this must have to be shit."
E: "No, Sir. I really don't think so."
B: "You mean that these are clean?"
E: "Yes, Sir." At this moment I allready felt that things were going to turn against me, I felt that this wasn't the right answer and that it would clash back right into my face, but I couldn't give any other answer. I didn't want to say I shitted my pants, certainly not because I knew this wasn't true.
B: "Ok, then take this in your mouth, and don't forget to put this spot on your tongue"
E: "But ..." Unless I was sure that it wasn't shit, I thought it was repulsive to do what he asked me, so I tried to resist.
B: "Why not?" I was interrupted immediately.
E: "It's repulsive to do, Sir."
B: "Tell me, what's repulsive about putting a clean cloth of textile in your mouth?"
E: "I don't know, Sir."
B: "So, if these briefs are clean, what is repulsive about putting them in your mouth?"
E: "I don't know, Sir."
B: "Maybe because they are dirty?"
E: "I think so, Sir"
B: "Then you were lying to me when you said your briefs were clean?"
E: "I think so, Sir." At this time I hoped I could have run away immediately, to hide myself anywhere. I felt tiny, didn't dare to look up at my friend, just wanted to crawl under the sofa where he was sitting, so nobody could see me anymore.
B: "And do you think lying to your superiors is respectfull?"
E: "No, Sir."
B: "Ok. Go stand into that corner while I think about the punishment you will receive."
E: "But ..."
B: "NOW!"
 
Bart really sounded angry now so I didn't protest any further and shuffled to the corner he pointed to me. I was standing there right in front of where he was sitting, my hands crossed at the back of my head, like he instructed to me. This way my t-shirt was raised just high enough to expose my buttocks, exalting my feelings of humiliation. I really was feeling like a little child by now, being punished by his tutor. It seemed to me that I was standing there for about an hour or something, but in reality it were only 5 or ten minutes, possibly. While I was thinking about the happenings of that evening Bart was sipping from his brandy and smoking a sigar, just relaxing a bit on the sofa. I suppose he enjoyed the view of having me there in the corner, allready looking forward to the fun he would have with punishing me. Despite how humiliating it was to me, I still had that raging hardone, throbbing harder and harder as the minutes passed by. I was filled with mixed emotions because of this reaction of my body. Not knowing what was happening to me, why I was reacting in such manner. All these feelings of astonishment, anger, humiliation and dismay were having an exhausting effect on me. This all was getting to much of me and soon I started to collapse. Soon I was sniveling in my corner, tears were running down my cheecks, ... I was completely broken by this time.