The secret diary of tiny broken jade

NOTE:  Below is a series of journal entries I found anonymously posted on the web. I do not know the author and I do not know if I have the right to publish those journals as my own, but I was fascinated by those journals, as they are almost mirror images of my own internal feelings and of my own existence.  I edited some minor misspellings but left most of the content intact.  I do not know how much of this is true, and how much more just the ramblings of a hysterical woman.  For whatever it's worth, I have decided to post them here as “The secret diary of tiny broken jade”. 

Why I chose the name “tiny broken jade”:

Because my name in Chinese means Jade and the Lord has completely broken me so that I may come to Him and submit to Him completely and fully, so that He may claim ownership of me if and only if I am first broken into tiny little pieces.  For behold, the Lord lies with prostitutes and beggars, because they shall inherit the Earth.  And I am worse than a prostitute or a beggar, because I am a murderer.  I am the most evil woman and I do not deserve the Lord's forgiveness, yet the Lord forgiveth.  Praise the Lord, for He is the Almighty, the King of kings.  Amen.

5/15/2012

I had a boyfriend when I was in college.  He was a tall white boy the same age as I was.  He was very nice and very polite.  I liked him very much, but he was very fond of anal sex, which I found to be very painful.  Anyway, after we graduated from college, he seemed to have no desire to get married and we broke up.  If there was no prospect of marriage, I felt there was no rationale for continued dating.  I needed a green card to continue to stay in America, and marriage was a must for me.

At the time I was without a job and I had no relatives living in America either.  Fortunately I met a doctor when I went for a doctor's check up.

He was of Irish and Italian ancestry, about 5 feet 8, a little over 200 pounds and had a gray mustache.  He said he was a very experienced bdsm dominant who has had many Chinese slaves before, and he knew very well about Chinese culture and have traveled all over Asia as well.  He said when he went to China he used to get many Chinese girls fighting over themselves for him.  He would sleep with different girls every night and take naked pictures of them.  I felt very embarrassed when he told me this but I kept silent because secretly I knew this was probably true.  He knew our secret—that Chinese women worship white men and will do anything to get a white boyfriend or husband.  And when he asked me out ... well actually I offered myself to him really.  I gave him my number and told him if he could take a look at me privately because I didn't have money to pay for the medical bill.   I was having lots of pain in my lower body which I believe was caused by my ex-boyfriend's constant and brutal anal penetration.

He was unlike the boyfriend I had in college, who was immature and young, he was well versed and he knew how to treat Asian women and how Asian women want to be treated.  He was a master of seduction.

Even though he was over 60 years old, his sexual stamina was very powerful, and he had a very big penis too.   He loved bdsm very much and he introduced me to bdsm as well.  The first time we had sex, he took me to his home, tied me to the living room chair and had sex with me without even using a condom.  Even when I was in college, I always made sure my former boyfriend used condoms, but I really liked him, and he was very dominant and aggressive.  I tried to protest at first, but he said he knew what he was doing.  He said when he was in China he used to fuck all the Chinese girls without condoms and they never dared to complain.  I felt very embarrassed and stopped protesting.  He told me to beg him to cum inside me.  My natural instinct to submit gained upper hand.  I wasn't thinking.  Maybe I was stupid.  Maybe being tied up on a chair wasn't the best position to be in, so I begged him to cum inside me.  When I felt his penis throb and soften inside my vagina, and when I saw white gluey substance oozed out, my heart sank to the floor.  I knew at the time I was probably going to become pregnant.  During the two months with my Master, he would repeatedly ejaculate inside me.  He loved to cum inside a woman's body, he said he used to do the same to all the Chinese girls in China and they all loved it.  Sometimes he made me eat his cum also, not just after oral sex, but when he spilled his semen on the floor I had to lick them up.  He would tell me his cum was very precious and must not be wasted.  I felt like his cum depository.  For two months straight everyday I was forced to either eat his cum or had his cum vaginally deposited inside me, and sometimes even anally!  After two months, I became pregnant, that was when he rejected me.  I felt betrayed and angry, mostly angry at myself for being so stupid.  He refused to marry me, and I was about to be deported because my student visa was about to expire. 

Sometimes I felt angry, sometimes I felt sad, but sometimes I had a strange feeling of satisfaction because I was impregnated by a white man. 

My baby will have more status after she or he is born.  Strangely even though I was betrayed, I feel joyful deep inside down.  I have provided my baby with better sustenance than I ever could.  I have accomplished my mission as a woman.  Maybe after my child is born he or she will look for his or her biological father, or maybe he or she will think his or her mother behaved like a total slut, or perhaps even hate me, but as long as he or she will live a better life than I, I will be content.

My student visa expires by the end of this year, so the most likely thing to happen now is I go back to China.  I wish I could stay in America.

6/6/2012

I am so embarrassed.  Whenever I think about it I start to cry still. The boyfriend I had in college loved to have anal sex, and he had a very thick and long penis, so every time he penetrated me anally my anus always ended up bleeding.  He was obsessed with anal sex he didn't care if I tried to muffle my own screams by covering my own mouth.  When I saw the blood flowing out of my anus, he just told me this was the normal part of anal sex.  He anally penetrated me whenever he had sex with me.  He had no interest in any other part of my body.  One time he had sex with me 7 times in one day—all in my anus.  By the end of the day I couldn't even get out of the bed because I couldn't even feel my legs anymore and I felt a dull numbing throbbing pain inside my anus all the time.  I even had trouble sitting and sometimes even walking can bring pain to my anus.  My friends would notice I looked very pale and they would ask me what happened.  I felt so embarrassed I couldn't bring myself to tell them the truth.  My bowel movement was irregular and terrible as well.  I couldn't bare it anymore we finally broke up, and my health was in very serious condition.  My anus was always itching and I suspected I might have hernia developing down there.  My periods became irregular as well and I had abdominal pain all the time, sometimes for an entire day.  Later I found out both my vagina and anus were damaged by excessive force.  But I didn't have any health insurance and medical expense was exorbitantly expensive in America.  So in stead of seeking proper medical help, I tried to find a lascivious scurvy old doctor and I tried to seduce him.  Oh quirks of life!  Instead I was seduced, tricked, and fooled by him.  I ended up being bred just like another Chinese whore and was taken out like trash.

6/8/2012

Dear Jason:

I don't want to be rude or impolite, but like many of those supposed dominant white males who say that they are very experienced dominants and have trained many slaves before, and then they have nothing but pictures they downloaded from pornos.  Jason, I am so sorry if I sound harsh but it's really hard not for me to believe you as nothing but a immature inexperienced young man who have had no actual experience with Asian women.  Although I was abandoned by my previous master, at least he was a genuine master.  The first time he took me to his office, he showed me all the pictures of him with at least 50 different Chinese women.  He took naked pictures of all of them, and made them do degrading things in front of him.  I immediately knew that I was in the hands of an seasoned master who knew how to treat a Chinese woman and I knew that he knew how to explore my submissive nature.  Although I was rejected, maybe because I was not good enough for him,  deep down inside I always felt I had chosen the right master all along, that I had chosen someone who was genuine and sincere.  If you cannot prove yourself to be a real master, I am sorry but I cannot trust you.

Best regards,

Jade

6/10/2012

I still vividly remember the first time my now ex-Master planted his seed inside me.  It was the most wonderful time of my life, the first time in my life I felt completely satisfied and truly happy.  It happened on our second date.  The first time he examined me in his home office for my rectal pain, and he invited me to have lunch in his vacation house in Connecticut.  He was a very wealthy man and he had his own private boat as well.  I had so much fun with him.  After we sailed to the sea we went back to his mansion and started kissing.  He touched and kissed me all over my body, even my legs and the back of my feet.  I felt wonderful, blissful; and most of all I felt truly in love.  He walked away and came back holding a dog collar and leash on one hand and a bundle of ropes on the other and my heart jumped.  I always fantasized about bondage but my old boyfriend never had interest in anything except my anus, and now I have met a man who knew what an Asian woman really craves but never dare to utter: to be dominated and to submit at the feet of a superior white master.  My knees still feel weak whenever I remember that day.  Deep inside my heart I knew I wanted it this way.  I wanted him to treat me like a dog, but I was always scared to admit it. 

I crawled naked around the living room with the dog collar around my neck.  The whole time I was in a daze of joy and satisfaction.  He even took out his iphone and took pictures of me.  At the time I already knew I was just one of the hundreds of Chinese whores he fucked before; my naked pictures would be collected into his folders, displayed and shown to his friends, buddies, or whomever he wished to show off to, completely at his will.  I felt like a bitch in heat, completely vulnerable and dominated.  It was wonderful feeling.  He probably could have killed me at the time and I could not have been able to resist.

After he had enough "foreplay" of degrading me he lifted me off the floor and bent me over a high stool, the kind of chair with no back and used most often in bars.  He tied my legs and hands to the legs of the chair so that both my mouth and my pussy were around the level of his crotch.  Then he whipped me with his belt all over my body.  He even whipped my pussy.  He said he wanted to whip my pussy raw and red so when he stick his cock inside my pussy, it will be very painful for me.

I asked him if he was using condoms, but he told me he fucked all his Chinese whores without condoms and he would not make an exception for me.  And he would cum inside me after he was done.  At the time I was ovulating.  I knew I would most likely become pregnant.  I asked him what if I become pregnant and he just said then I should be honored to be bred by a white man.  Now that I have had a lot of time to reflect, I felt maybe I made a mistake back then, but it was already too late.  I think back then for a brief moment perhaps I did change my mind about the whole thing.  He told me to beg him to come inside my cunt.  I think because I wanted to get out of the situation so I said "please come inside my cunt" back to him.  I think I said it because I did not want to displease him.

Now I think about what happened I feel I was so degraded and used by the way I was treated. I still cry whenever I think about what happened. I was bred like a cheap chinese whore.  I remember when he was finished I felt semen leaking out of my vagina and I saw semen stained on the rungs between the chair legs.  And I heard camera clicking.  He took pictures of me tied up on the chair with semen leaking out of me. 

For the next several months I was his personal maid, cook and cum receptacle.  I gained the privilege of living in his gorgeous three bedroom mansion in Connecticut and in return I had to clean his house in the nude, cook his meals and, of course, consume his semen.  Everyday for the next several months I received his semen into my body in any way he desired.  That means not only I had to acquiesce if he wanted to deposit his semen in my vagina, my mouth or even my anus, but any other way he wished.  For example, he would invite me to dine out in a very fancy restaurant, and order me nothing but salad.  Then he would take a little tube full of semen, and mix it into my salad and make me eat it.   I almost threw up while eating.  But he loved to see the way my face became distorted and twisted as I tasted his semen.  He loved to make me suffer and he loved to degrade me.

In addition he had many creative ways to punish me when I failed to obey his commands.  He loved to squeeze two pieces of long chopsticks on my breasts and had my flattened breasts lay on the table and then whip my tits with his belt.  The pain was unbearable and several times I almost passed out from the pain.  Sometimes he would do the same to my pussy lips, squeeze them between two chopsticks and then slap them with his hands.  He called it the “asian pussy torture ”. He also loved to make me expose myself near the window or sometimes even out in the open in his back yard.  The prospect that some stranger might accidentally see my naked body and thereby embarrassing me thrilled him.  For me the most feared punishment was caning.  He always carried with him a long and thin bamboo cane and whenever I displeased him in any way he would whip me with his bamboo cane.  Though it was very thin, it hurt as hell, and often he didn't realize just how painful it was with just very little force on.  He loved to cane me all over my body, on my tits, my ass, my stomach, my back, my thighs, and my pussy.  I was most scared of caning on my tits.  The pain  made me crazy; so I screamed really scary which made him understand just how painful it was.  I told him several times how unbelievably painful it was but he just didn't seem to care.  Another method he used is to have me sit in a regular office chair, tie my hands behind the back of the chair, bring my knees up to my chest, then attach two black paper clamps to my pussy lips, and tie ropes to the handles of the paper clamps (he thread the rope through the holes on the paper clamps), wrap the other end of the ropes around my big toes.  This way when I tried to bring my feet down, I would pull on my pussy lips, so I had to keep my legs up as long as I could.  Because I had to keep my feet as close to my pussy as possible, I was sitting on my lower back, my knees spread apart with my ass outward.  It was a very uncomfortable position, especially when a man with a cane stood right in front of my exposed pussy and ass, any time ready to land an unexpected blow to my most sensitive areas.  But the most embarrassing part was after my corporal punishment, he could reach between my legs and stick a finger into my pussy and found juice flowing.  I hated to admit that I was actually turned on by the way I was treated.

Despite all the hardship I went through, I really did enjoy staying with him.  I sent pictures of me and my boyfriend (or my Master, in the parlance of BDSM) in his big mansion, at fancy restaurants, and at his private boat to my girlfriends in China; they all became so jealous they wanted to die. They think I was living in heaven and they would have done anything to be in my position.  I showed off to them my Gucci handbag and Prada shoes.  They became so mad with jealousy they were going to tear their own hair off!  And I loved it.  Despite all that I have endured, it was definitely worth it.  I always became so excited when he took me sailing on his private boat.  Whenever I heard him say "sailing" or "boat", I became physically excited, like a dog hearing the word "walk".  I was his dog.  I was lower than his dog.  He treated his dog better than he treated me.  But I deserved this kind of treatment.

Our love affair didn't last long because that was when he discovered I was pregnant.  I already noticed I missed my period the previous month and when I started to vomit for no apparent reason, he knew as well as I did because he was the one who refused to use condoms.  He knew how many times he had repeatedly ejaculated inside me.  He even made a point to say "I wanted to breed you".  At the time he must have thought it was all fun and play, but when I really did become pregnant it became serious.  I was a fool to actually think he was gong to marry me.  He was already married, and this mansion was only his vacation house.  He has another home in Florida.

6/12/2012

I have decided.  I am going to keep my child and raise him or her on my own.  And I am going to sue that old bastard for child support.  As a matter of fact, I am going to sue him for rape and sexual abuse!  I am not going back to China either.  I am going to stay in America and give birth here in America so my child can be an American citizen.

6/14/2012

Good news!  After I called him and told him that I will sue him for child support and sexual abuse, he changed his mind.  He said he is open to divorcing his wife and marrying me instead.  He said he wants to talk to me tomorrow and we will sit down face to face to discuss the matter.  I am so happy.  I am so excited too!  I don't know what to expect. 

7/9/2012

Thank you Lord for your love and kindness.  I have come to terms with myself through a wonderful conversation with pastor James at my local church.  He listened to all my troubles with open heart and we talked from Sunday afternoon until Monday morning.  Together we prayed for the Lord's forgiveness.  He is a truly wonderful man and the Lord has healed me.  I know abortion is murder and I know there is nothing I can do to save my soul from Hell except by the blood of Jesus Christ.  I am gong to leave America and I will go back to China in September.  But I will bring with me the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I will disseminate the good news that Jesus died for us to those sinners in China so that they may be saved from an eternity in Hell.

So I guess now I should tell you what happened to my meeting with my master.  I went to his home the next day and he said he was willing to marry me if I had an abortion first.  This sounded like a bad deal, but his wife was also there.  His wife also happened to be Chinese, and she assured me that she understood my ordeal right now and she was willing to temporarily separate with her husband and let me marry him so I can stay in America.  Even their children were present, so I believe them.  His wife was very warm and friendly and she said she was also from Shanghai.  We even spoke in Shanghaiese, and since I was less than 3 months pregnant, having an abortion at the time was a piece of cake.  They even drove me to a clinic and accompanied me all the time.  After my procedure they even let me stay in their guest bedroom and let me recover.  But then he told me this the next day.  This was his exact words and I remember it quite well because it made me very angry at the time.

"I'm not a wealthy businessman.  I am a doctor and I only made about 100,000 dollars a year.  That might seem like a lot of money to you, but it's not a lot of money.  Due to malpractice before I have already lost my license and I have not had a job in the last few years.  That big house I had, well, the banks have already foreclosed it and all the asset in that house were claimed by debtors.  I have already declared bankruptcy and I have nothing to lose in a lawsuit.  If you really want to stay in America, you can't just be another woman leeching off me like my wife here.  How about this?  We have a family dog, a musky German shepherd with huge testicles.  Here, you will have to serve him and make him happy.  If you marry him, well, you could be something like the wife of our dog.  And I will pimp you out a little bit too to provide some extra income.  If you can agree to that, then I can consider."

I thought he was crazy, but apparently he was for real.  He further said if gays and lesbians can get married in this country, then why can't humans and dogs?  Then he said that he really do enjoy "seeing a little Chinese whore fucked by a nice large dog" and he had been training his wife to do it for the last 2 years.

I sat in my bed and just stared at him for a few seconds.  I stared in his eyes and tried to see if he was actually a crazy person.  Then I jumped out of the bed and tried to kill him, but he and his wife got hold of me.  In the end they gave me 500 dollars as goodwill money and I promised never to bother them again.

7/13/2012

This morning I woke up with unbearable pain in my anus.  I always felt a dull throbbing pain down there but it has gotten so much worse.  So I told the pastor I was staying with about my pain, which was very humiliating, but since he said I can be open to him and tell him anything, I did not hesitate to share with him the most intimate secrets of my sordid life before I met Jesus Christ.   He drove me to the doctor and I had to explain to the doctor I used to have a lot of anal sex while he was standing right next to me listening to everything.  I felt so sorry for him to know how much of a sinner I really was.  I know sodomy is evil and it is the way of Satan, but my ex-boyfriend used to love it.  My second boyfriend even used to ejaculate inside my anus and I am ever regretful of my sinful ways and there is not enough blood in Jesus's body to ever cleanse my soul.  Well anyway the doctor told me I had developed hemorrhoid in my anus and since I just recently had abortion, the doctor said the risk of hemorrhoid increases.  And the pastor stood next to me the whole time.  I felt so wonderful with him and yet I felt so unworthy of his generosity and love.  He paid for all my medical bills and he opened his heart and accepted a terrible sinner like me into his home, the home of the Lord and holy saints.  I am forever in his debt and I don't know how I could ever repay him.  After we went home I knelt before him and shed my tears on his boots.  Then I used my tongue to clean my tears off his boots.  At first he told me to stop, but I insisted it was the only proper way I could show my complete and utter devotion to Jesus my Lord and to obey His commands and words, whatever it may be.  Praise the Lord Almighty!  He said my sins are forgiven and from now on I am bound by Jesus to live in the way of righteousness.  I have forsaken the yoke of the devil, and now I have been put on the yoke of Jesus, for his yoke is lighter.  I am the most terrible and disgusting sinner ever and yet Jesus is willing to forgive me.  His grace is as unfathomable and spacious as the ocean.  I praise Him with all my heart and all my soul! 

7/14/2012

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.  I have found a new job as a babysitter.  And the husband of the household, who is also a very pious Christian, said he is going to preach the Gospel in China too.  I told him how I found the calling of Jesus Christ for me to go to China to preach the Good News and immediately we hit off.  He said I am doing God's work and he will even join me next year when he goes to China to preach the Gospel.  My heart now is filled with joy and salvation!

7/27/2012

Last night I came home late and nearly missed dinner.  The pastor glared at me when I finally walked into the kitchen.  During the entire dinner I was thoroughly ignored by everyone.  After dinner as usual I washed the dishes, but then the pastor told me to come over to his studying room.  He said very sternly to me that I have been repeatedly warned that I must come half an hour before dinner to prepare food with his wife.  And yet I have repeatedly disobeyed his command.  He said my behavior is not only irresponsible but also very rude.  As Christians we must obey God's every word.  I felt very ashamed of myself.  He told me that the Lord has opened his house to me so that I may be saved from the sinful ways of my past, and I must be gracious for everything the Lord has done to me, and yet repeatedly I have failed.  I know I owe so much to him and his family.  I know the grace of God is unfathomable and deep.  That's why I try everything to please the Lord.  Everyday I cook breakfast in the morning for his children even though his wife never does.  I clean the entire house by myself.  I wash the kitchen floor while his wife sits at home watching TV.  I walk the dog and pick after its poop when his children refuse to do it.  In his house I am not allowed to use the internet, so I can only use the internet when I am at work as a babysitter.  And even my old laptop was confiscated by the pastor because he believes computers are evil and they are the means to corrupt the mind of a Christian.  I have to share bathroom with his two teenage boys and constantly they walk in on me while I am taking a shower.  One time I even overhead them telling their friends that I am a Chinese prostitute their dad adopted from China and I am going to be deported back to China.  They tell their friends I have herpes and I have AIDS.  They tell their friends I have genital herpes in my anus and later on they even asked me to show it to them in front of their friends.  I have to endure everything because God is gracious to me and because I am a sinner.

I was severely rebuked whenever I made a small mistake, in front of everyone in his family and they all like to see me being chastised like I am a family pet.  So Pastor told me that I have to go apologize to his wife who is sitting in their bedroom eating potato chips, which I am never allowed to eat because the Pastor doesn't want me to eat any junk food.  I apologized to his wife and his wife said very casually if the next time I am late, I should just stay out and never come back.  His wife is fat and ugly and she has never said a word of kindness to me ever since I moved in.   But as a Christian I know I am wrong to have those sinful thoughts.  I know I am always wrong so I remain gracious to the Lord for giving me a second chance.  His blood is precious and he has saved me from eternal damnation.  Praise the Lord.

8/23/2012

Last Sunday the sermon was about abortion.  Pastor talked about the women who have abortions will end up in the same section of Hell as murderers and rapists.  I was crying all along as I listened.  Then Pastor told me to come to the podium and testify.  I was so moved by the Holy Spirit I did not feel afraid, for the Lord was with me.  I knew what I had to do.  I approached the podium and fell down to my knees right next to Pastor and I explained to everyone I used to be an evil woman and how I had sex with a doctor and when I became pregnant, he kicked me out of his house.  Since he was bankrupt and was already being sued for malpractice, I couldn't get any child support out of him, so I decided to have an abortion.  The father of the aborted baby ended up in jail due to malpractice anyway, but it did not change the fact that I committed murder.  I am a murderer in the eyes of God and there is not enough water in the world to cleanse my soul.  Only the blood of Christ.  I know I am a terrible sinner and I do not deserve to live, but the Lord has shown his mercy on my life.  Furthermore I learned condoms are evil just like having abortions since they kill the seed of God.  I will never use condom again and when I go back to China, I will personally confiscate all the condoms used by Chinese prostitutes so that they may sin no more.  Praise the Lord Almighty!

From now on I will only live for the purpose of Jesus, to spread his Words to the rest of the world, and to preach his amazing grace.       

8/25/2012

I come into this world naked, and I shall be naked in front of the Lord.  The Lord wants me to shed all my cloak before Him and show to Him my nakedness, for the Lord saith to me, I should show my nakedness in front of the world so that men shall know what a whore I have been all my life.  I have forsaken the slavery of the devil, now I must put on the collar of righteousness.  For the Lord is the Almighty, the King of Kings, and all must submit to Him and worship Him at His feet.  For, lo and behold, mankind have sinned greatly against the Lord; repent now or else the Lord will lift His left hand and smite thee with fire and brimstone. My heart is filled with terror and fear, for the Lord is too great and too powerful.  I spend my entire days naked, kneeling and sobbing in front of the Lord, begging for mercy and forgiveness for the end is near, when He will punish without mercy and no one shall escape.  Yet now he strikes with His left hand and heals with His right hand, but mercy there shall be not, and forgiveness none when the Judgment Day cometh and He shall judge those nonbelievers and send them to an eternity in Hell.  Jesus is coming, on a cloud of glory and lightning.  Praise the Lord the Almighty.  His Kingdom is come.

8/26/2012

A few weeks ago I was praying alone on my knees and all of a sudden the Lord appeared in front of me.  He appeared through a great light and I was nearly blinded by his presence.  He told me that I should visit my former boyfriend, the doctor who impregnated me, he had been sued for malpractice and is now serving terms in jail.  The Lord said I have been displeasing the Lord because that doctor, however much a sinner he was, is still a child of God, and I have betrayed him and now he is in jail all because of me.  The Lord forgiveth and as a Christian I must forgive him as well and tell him the good news of the Lord's salvation.  The Lord said that doctor suffered much and now it is time to forgive him.  The Lord is all powerful and all knowing and I must do the Lord's bidding.  So I called his wife, found out the jail he was staying in, and went to visit him.  It was indeed true that he is in great suffering because of me.  His wife has divorced him, his two sons are delinquent and he does not know their whereabouts.  No one ever comes to visit him.  I cried and told him I have found the Lord and the Lord has sent me to comfort him and to tell him about the salvation of Christ.  He was not only very accepting but I was quite surprised to find out that he has been a Christian all his life.  I suddenly realized how much I have sinned against the Lord!  I have used the judgment of the Gentiles against a Christian!  I felt horrible.  My violent sobbing almost rocked me off the chair.  He then begged me to have sex with him.  He said he hasn't had sex in almost a year now because his wife never come to visit him.  Even if I wanted to, I didn't even know if that was possible, but he told me I could set up a conjugal visit and come in a few days.  I felt so terrible for him and since the Lord has asked me to forgive, this must have been his plan all along.  I told the guards I am his girlfriend and I want to spend some private time with him and they told me to come back in five days.

During the conjugal visit I spent nearly 20 hours with him inside the jail.  I didn't mind his smelly armpits and the smell of cum on his clothes.  I love him.  He asked me if I wanted to use a condom, but I told him no.  I love him, but more importantly I do not want to sin against the Lord anymore.  He had sex with me in missionary position and came inside me as the Lord intended. I did not even wipe the semen from my sex because I know the Lord wants me to belong to him, because I am his property and I will be his wife.  He told me how regretful he was and how much pain he has been through.  He even told me that once he get out, he will marry me immediately. But it's too late now.  He's in for 10 years.  By the time he gets out, I will be gone already.  But he said that he will go to China and find me.  I said “If you can,” and I told him I will wait for him.  They strip-searched me both before and after the conjugal visit.  They put both of us in a building that's less prison-like but I still knew it was a prison.  It was scary, cold and unusually quiet, just like a prison.

I don't think I will have time to visit him again before I go back to China.  After that day I felt so terrible for my past sins.  I ask the Lord for forgiveness and guidance because my heart is in constant agony.  My soul is twisted like a rubber band by the devil who tortures me day and night.  Sometimes I nearly faint from the pain, but the Lord giveth me strength.

8/28/2012

Every day Pastor only allow me a paltry portion to eat, cereals in the morning, salad for lunch and whatever that is at my plate for dinner and lots of daily exercise like cleaning, washing, cooking, and walking back and forth from work.  I do not have money for bus and Pastor says gasoline is too expensive for him to drive me to work.  I am usually hungry, sometimes I saw left over pizza thrown in a garbage can and I have to refrain my sick urge to pick it out of the garbage can and eat it.  I am not allowed any junk food such as pizza, ice cream, or cakes, and when Pastor's family eat them I have to excuse myself from the table and go to my room.  But I understand this is for my own benefit because Heaven is a narrow door and only the hungry and the poor will fit in.  I thank my Pastor for what he is doing to me and I am forever in his debt.  I will love Jesus with all my heart and all my soul.  Praise the Lord our Savior for he is the only Lord and there is no other God.

8/30/2012

Every night before I go to sleep I reflect on my sinful being and how much unworthy of God's love I am.  I kneel by the window to pray and I do not get up until I am broken down to tears, moved by the amazing grace of our Lord, Jesus my Savior.  I am not worthy of his love, and yet Jesus loves me unconditionally.  His grace is beyond words can describe.  His love is sweet like honey.   In order to enter the kingdom of heaven, I must give up all my belongings and follow him.  Obeying the command of the Lord, I have donated all the money I have made from babysitting, including the money my parents sent me from overseas, to my Pastor's church.  As a matter of fact, when my parents send me money from China, they will send the money directly into my Pastor's bank account and this money properly belongs to him and his church.  Because money is evil, and money corrupts the mind of a young Christian, I must not be trusted with any money at all.  I even donated all the clothes I have brought before, including some very expensive shoes and skirts to the church so now I only have a pair of jeans and a sweater and literally nothing else to wear.  And when I go back to China, I will convince my parents to sale the apartment my ex-Chinese-boyfriend had brought me and donate all the proceeds to my Pastor's church.  Despite all that I endeavor, I still owe so much not only to my Lord, but also to my Pastor, who has personally wrote a check out of his church's donation box to pay for all my medical expense.  I am forever in his debt, and no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to pay him back fully.  Who knew medical expense in America is so exorbitant! 

Every weekend I also volunteer to be the cleaning lady and cook at the church.  It is very hard work.  I often feel very exhausted by Sunday evening, but because I am doing the work of God, I do not feel tired.  As a matter of fact, I feel rejuvenated, and reborn every weekend because the Lord has sent his Holy Spirit among us and filled my body to the fullest.  I feel the Holy Spirit inside me like a fountain and  God's glory filled my entire being.  I am a mitten; the hand of the Lord will wear me and direct me in whatever direction He wills. I am His vessel, to be filled by the hand of God and used as He pleases.   And I will obey with absolute obedience.  For it is tantamount that Christians MUST obey the Lord our God, for we have rejected the slavery of Satan, and now we wear His yoke, and put on the armor of Light.  Whatever "I" think or "I" will must be put to death, and we must only think of what's the will of Jesus?  What does Jesus want me to do?  If I do this, will I please Jesus?  For "I" am already dead, and instead the Holy Spirit is reborn inside me, and my earthly flesh is only a empty shell to be used by the Lord to spread his Words, and to accomplish his commands.  Praise the Lord for he is the true and living God.  Amen.  

9/1/2012

Yesterday after dinner as usual we sat around the dining room table and read the Bible together.  We read in the Book of Acts where the Lord appears before Paul through a dream and tells him to go westward and preach the Gospel to the Gentiles of the West.  And this, according to Pastor, is the first instance when Christianity is being spread to the Western world.  Even though modern Christianity is most closely associated with the West, in the very beginning of Christianity, all the Christians and the disciples of Jesus, i.e., Paul, Peter, James, John, and Judah were all Jews.  God has predestined the West, i.e. Europe, and North America, to be the light of the world and whence light will shine upon the rest of the world.  If one looks at the Bible, symbolically white is the most holy of all color.  Jesus always wears a white robe, and holy Father is always described as a white man in a white robe, with white hair and white beard.  This is all part of God's great scheme.  He has created white men in His image so that they may spread the words of God to all the rest of his creatures.  God created each race to be useful in its own way, and white race most resembles the image of God because they represent the light of the world; they are the salt of the earth and their purpose is to enlighten the rest of the World of the existence of a loving God who DIED for our sins.  They carry the message from God: that Jesus have died for YOUR sins and Jesus loves YOU.  And God is not going to tolerate those who disbelieve him either.  The Jews killed God, and for thousands of years they disbelieved Him, so God sent plagues and Nazis to kill them.  God will smite those who disobey him.  God even allows the Devil to torture and kill those who disbelieve in Him.  And God will show no mercy to those who rebuffs the loving Jesus.  As the Pastor spoke, I felt the Holy Spirit filled my body and I fell down to my knees and wiped with tears.  I started to tremble and I spoke in tongue.  When I recovered, everyone stood around me and they blessed me for I have been touched by the Lord.  It was the most wonderful feelings I have ever had.  

Long after Pastor's sermon from the dining room table, I had many wonderful thoughts about his words.  Mostly because I felt his words filled my heart with joy, knowing that I am serving the purpose of God as predestined.  Not only that, but I have even received the most Godly seed inside my womb.  It is the uttermost joy.  I feel like I have been Virgin Mary who was impregnated by God, so too I have been impregnated by a God.  My pastor is not only a holy Man, but he is the child of God, and the child of God is equal to God.  I was in a perpetual state of euphoria knowing that I have been used to fulfill the purpose of God.  It is a truly amazing feeling, as if I am already in Heaven. 

So from now on I will be fulfilling my duties as a submissive Asian woman.  My Pastor has commanded that from now on I will only serve white men and that my body, my soul and my spirit all belong to Him, for He is my Master and He is my Lord.  I will wear His collar at all times as a sign of my submission.  And when my Lord makes me suffer—the Lord loves seeing His followers suffer for Him—I  will endure with grace and perseverance, knowing that my reward is in Heaven.  The Lord will send demons to torture me and humiliate me, to test my faith in Him.  As a Christian, I look forward to them with joy and happiness in my heart for I know the Lord approves of my suffering and the Lord is pleased to see my suffering.  Praise the Lord.  

9/2/2012

 

I am a very sinful woman and I apologize to all the people I have offended and especially to my Master whom I irritated and angered without reason.  I offer my deepest apology for him and I know I cannot be forgiven no matter how much blood Jesus has spilled.  I am as sinful as a murderer and as evil as Hitler.  I am deeply gracious that Jesus has chosen to let me be alive and in stead of sending me directly to Hell.  He is the True Lord and Only Lord.  Praise Him!

9/3/2012

I will be going to China, together with my Pastor and seven other Christians to preach the words of God to the Chinese.  I will be serving as their local guide as well.  We are looking to recruit as many nonbelievers as possible as well as strengthening the underground Christian churches in China where Christians face many persecutions.  We are there to make sure that they know they are suffering for the right cause and let them know to not give up on their struggle.   They must understand that their suffering is pleasing Jesus.  But before we land in China, we will make a short visit to Afghanistan where we will meet and greet with the noble Christian soldiers who are fighting for our Christian homeland and hopefully we can even convert a few Muslims.  Since they are less hostile to Chinese women, my Pastor has appointed me as their special greeting agent to interact with the local Muslims and distribute Arabic Bible to them.  It will be just a three day stay in Afghanistan before we head to China.  I will be permanently based as a Christian server in China while my Pastor and other Christians will return back to the United States after 14 days.  I will be connected with several underground churches and I will serve as a messenger between them and the Christian activist groups in the United States as well.  May the Lord be with us!

9/5/2012

I am leaving for Afghanistan on Tuesday, then I will go back to China.  I will never come back to America anymore.  Thank you everyone.  You gave me wonderful in this country.  God bless you and God bless America.  Goodbye.