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Weighed
Average (?):  (7/10) |
Average
Rating:  (7.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (8/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (7/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 20, 2011 |
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Just a bit frustrated...
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I've always liked Halloween parties. The potential for mischief is high, and frankly "She Died...Terrified" is one of those classic "girls shouldn't go to parties like these without a wingman" tales. I like it.
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From a plot perspective, the story was a bit cliched. But I have always maintained that a good author can take even a tired over used plot and make it work. Such is that case here.
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The story is told in first person and is done relatively well. Description for the most part centers on the girl and action, and could use a bit more "scene" setting. The only real set that was described was the basement, and while I could envision it, it wasn't anything that promoted the plot or gave additional feeling to the sense of what was happening. The main character could have taken Cammy back to his living room couch and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. As to the "narrator's" explanation that finding herself in a basement would fuck with Cammy's mind? I think the real impact came from waking up to find a naked guy with a knife sitting on her stomach.
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I'm very concerned with HOW Cammy was bound. According to the story, she was bound with "hands behind her back". This is great for the police, but it sucks wind for dealing with an adult who knows she has nothing to loose to prevent her death. She'd be kicking and bucking and rolling and trust me, she'd be a hellion and you'd practically need to bind her spread-eagled to a bed or table to keep her restrained enough to enjoy what the main character did. Why didn't Cammy kick him in the head when he spread her legs open? Sure, his hands were on her knees, but her feet weren't bound, meaning she still had kicking room. Yeah. So in other words, don't use this story as a primer on how to successfully bind your cutie 18 year old captive before raping and murdering her.
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From a grammatical and writing perspective, "She Died...Terrified" isn't bad. There was only one error I caught, a missing "face" near the end of the story. For the most part, the sentences were complex, adding depth to the overall work and giving us a sense of intricacy. I liked it. Of course there is the issue of the ellipsis in the title, which I suspect is there to demonstrate a pause. Ellipsis are there to indicate a missing series of words. So hopefully the title is actually "She Died FUCKING STRANGLED AND Terrified." If not, then oh well. I guess if enough of us do it, then we can change the definition of ellipsis. My friend Breanne does it all the time.
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Lastly, the reason I am frustrated, and why this story only gets a 7 in my book, rather than a much higher rating, is because while the author demonstrated skill at writing, his timing is off. At 16kb, this story was too short, with the build up of sexual tension too light and not quick enough, to bring the reader to the same climax the main character does. Sure, it titillates. But does it deliver? No. She's dead and while the reader is still sitting there going "wait, what the fuck? Dog piss on the couch? Huh? Why didn't he let go and do it over and over?" the narrator finishes up his dirty deed and goes to bathroom. The author DOES do a good job with the buildup of sexual tension: it was a gradient that definitely moved in the right direction, it just ended prematurely. This story needed another 5 to 10 kilobytes, trust me. She should have had a drunk friend, or the narrator character should have let loose her windpipe and "pseudo-killed" her another way. We could have gone through three or four of these things and had all the time in the world for sexual tension to build, crest, climax, and resolve. And with the author's ability to write as well as it is, this would have been a top rated story.
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In summary, "She Died...Terrified" is a great opening salvo that demonstrates the authors ability to write coherently and with capability, but the overall timing of the story suffers like a rapist with pre-ejaculatory problems. He knocks the girl to the ground, starts to rip off her panties and cums in his own pants. "Oops. Sorry miss. But now you can go because I got my jollies." I want to read another story by Hooksforhands because I think with practice, this author is going to create some masterful works. He's got the creativity, he's got the writing talent, now we just need to see the "blocking" of his stories improve.
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Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander
(www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
Tavy
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 12, 2011 |
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Although a very simple plot the way it was written made it very enjoyable (8/10)
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