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Cheerleader's Mistake
Author: Sudere
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(Added on Nov 1, 2011)
(This month 73684 readers) (Total 97557 readers) |
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A Dirty Girl learns how a bad decision can be held against you. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 3 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (7/10) |
Average
Rating:  (8/10) |
| Highest
Rating: (8/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (7/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Martiniman
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 15, 2012 |
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Very good story. (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Nov 7, 2011 |
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I'm flabbergasted.
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First of all, I'm not going to put any spoilers in this review, though let me just say that I appreciated the twist at the end.
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The first problem I want to address is the formatting. Obviously the BDSM Library hasn't dealt with the html coding for quotation marks as of yet, despite my email to the webmaster. It is of course distracting, but it's not the author's fault. That said, the author could make her story a bit more readable by remembering that most browsers don't interpret the "tab" key and as a result, all of your paragraphs are taken directly to the left thus eliminating the paragraph delineations. This makes it very difficult for the reader. I recommend using the "enter" key, and if formatting for both html and something like e-pub, use both the enter key AND tab. It's a pain in the butt, but it's better than forcing a reader to jump through hoops trying to read your stuff.
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The plot of Cheerleader's mistake is excellent and what really stands out is the author's ability to move the sexual tension along steadily through out the story. The main characters initial humiliation and the slow revelation of her sexual situation provides clear context and an initial tension, and then things build remarkably well to a climax that I found rather satisfying. There is an art to story telling and the author, Sudere, knows well that art.
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One thing that bothered me while READING the story, was the mysterious second character. With the revelation of the twist ending, it became readily apparent why there were no pronoun usage or identifiers, but in the process of keeping the mysterious character an enigma, there were sections where the author used the mysterious character to move the plot along in exclusion of all else. The main character never said a word, or even uttered a sound. While I understand (especially after getting to the end) why the author did it this way, I would recommend interspersing this plot movement dialog with description, and not just of the action that the dialog promoted, but with environmental description. What did the coffee table feel like to Babs? Did the heat from the whip spread through her body? Did she fear another ring of the doorbell? There are a number of ways that a writer can chop up dialog. Play with a few of them.
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Action in this story was well done, vivid, and descriptive. I liked it. I had no trouble envisioning what was going on. My only criticism here is that in some spots, like the whipping and the corn cob insertion, the scenes were rushed. The actually action took only one or two sentences and then the reader is rushed on to the next action. If this is your climax, use it! Build on it! Show not just the action, but the extreme tension in Babs, in the mystery character! Have diabolical laughter fill the room! The author does this great job of getting us to this point, make it sing!
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From a grammatical point, my only beef is that when writing long paragraph form of single speaker dialog, it is not necessary to place a quotation mark at the end of the paragraph if a following paragraph is spoken by the same character. Sentence construction in this story was complex, with a well done use of compound sentences that added complexity and depth to the story. The cadence worked and I didn't see any major mistakes, though I admit that I was struggling hard to ignore the stupid browsers' interpretation of quotation marks.
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In summary I think that Cheerleader's Mistake is a decent vignette which demonstrates the authors ability to craft an enjoyable tale. I would like to see this author work on a larger scale, while concentrating on the descriptive areas, since she already has got plot movement, dialog, and action licked.
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Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander
(www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
Tavy
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Nov 1, 2011 |
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Until I got to the end I thought I would only be giving this a six! A very clever twist.
(8/10)
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