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Hotel Hell
Author: Hotbottom
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(Added on May 30, 2011)
(This month 63136 readers) (Total 68750 readers) |
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Mike goes online for large black hook up gets more than he bargained for. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 2 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (4/10) |
Average
Rating:  (3.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (5/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (2/10) |
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| Reviewer:
NaughtyPixie
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Aug 27, 2011 |
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This needs alot of work, it is far too brief you rush though in 1 line what should be explained in a paragraph.
You also need to give your charaters more life, why does Mike like big black guys? Is he excited when he emails Leroy? What does he hope the evening will be like? Whats going though his head? How doe he feel when the abuse starts? Is he secretly turned on or does he hate it? - This is all presuming you are writing from Mikes point of view, although you seem to change to Leroys POV half way though. You need to pick one character and stick with them.
Dont tell me he did this, they did that. Show me, describe what they are doing. (2/10)
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| Reviewer:
PieterM
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 30, 2011 |
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Its too rushed and you used the wrong words, nock for knock Inn for in, for instance but at the end of the day it is just a skeletal outline that needs a mass of extra descriptive padding before you do another chapter (5/10)
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