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Weighed
Average (?):  (5.5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (6/10) |
| Highest
Rating: (6/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (6/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Apr 6, 2011 |
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This is a decent first submission for a new author and I only have a few comments and suggestions to make.
*
First of all, I think the creativity of the plot was rather intriguing. Evidently murder isn't something the "actor" in the piece was worried about, which I found rather odd. I also had trouble placing the time period of the story. Evidently the actor had a poignard type dagger, yet everyone went out hunting? It just seemed a little out of place.
*
I did have a little trouble envisioning the capture of Gabriela. Without incapacitating her, the actor was able to tie her in a position that opened her up and enabled him to rape her. The details provided were sketchy and it was difficult to imagine.
*
Grammatically, the story was well written, with only a few errors. The author needs to be careful about tense, since there were a few places he slipped out of past tense and into present tense. There were also a few wordy sentences. Watch out for extra prepositional phrases.
*
There was one absolutely stunning sentence though: "They immediately stuck together like sheets do after a night of torrid romance." What an awesome simile! This just made me smile.
*
One thing I have to admit, is that I found the sexual tension of this story less than appealing. This story was not a sex story with a murder in it. It was a murder story with a little bit of sex in it. There is a distinct difference. I didn't even get a hard on reading it. Sure, the story is pretty good, but if the goal was to write erotica, at least for me, it missed the mark. I would have loved for there to be more emotion involved and sex play involved before taking that final step. Instead, the actor demonstrates he's not just a rapist, but a sadist as well, because he starts knifing Gabriela rather early on in some of the most painful and nasty ways. He didn't just want to kill her and get her away from his main squeeze, Eve. He wanted Gabriela to HURT too. And while I'm fine with that, I still needed there to be a bit more sexual tension built up in order to really enjoy this story. As a friend of mine says "Pain is a great way to make sex better. But if you come over to my house and break my arm, I'm not going to have an orgasm."
*
In summary I think we've got a good new author who could create some stunning tales. I'd like to see a few more sexually oriented snuff stories from Mr. Kenn.
*
Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander
(www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (6/10)
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