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The Garden Party
Author: Dr. White
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(Added on Feb 27, 2011)
(This month 66525 readers) (Total 86529 readers) |
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Mr. Smith invites his friends over for an afternoon of hedonism. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 2 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (6/10) |
Average
Rating:  (6.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (7/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (6/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Feb 28, 2011 |
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Once again the rating system of the BDSM Library fails us miserably.
*
"The Garden Party" by Dr. White is a snuff tail of epic proportions and does nothing by halves. The plot is simple. There's a snuff party and they try to kill as many "slave girls" as possible while still leaving a few alive in order to create tension. Three girls are guillotined, two hung, one drowned, and once choked to death. Through it all everyone is getting fucked or sucked, even while being executed or witnessing an execution. Talk about excess.
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From a language perspective, "The Garden Party" is better than your average snuff story. The author does a pretty decent job, and I didn't notice any errors. I did notice however that the author started four consecutive sentences in the initial descriptive paragraph with "A" Plus there were quite a few fragments. "A low bench, about two feet high, at the far end of which rose a small scaffold consisting of two upright runners with a pulley on a crossbar at the top." I'm pretty sure this sentence is missing a few words. These types of goofs pretty much perpetuate the whole story. The good news is that if you like snuff stories, than you'll get absorbed in the plot and who cares about fragments, right?
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Which is exactly what happened to me. Talk about a smorgasbord of snuff. My fellow reviewer, Major Littmann, complained of one dimensional characters. I have to admit, he's correct. Most of the girls had names only to differentiate them from the other girls and so we could tell who was getting killed. The men were all faceless replicas with exactly the same interests and personality, except with the possibility of Mr. Stevenson, who evidently REALLY didn't like Ms. Purdy.
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To be honest, as much as I loved the almost assembly line of executions, I felt that things were rushed. The author crammed in either fourteen or fifteen characters, named them all, and had each of them doing something only slightly different. It was too much to take in. Sort of overload. It's one of the reasons that the characters seemed shallow. If I had to write the exact story with the same plot, I would have focused on just one of the girls, maybe Rebecca, and told it from her perspective. That would have given me the connection and feeling of depth, while still providing the line of dead bodies.
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All of this said, I think the real issue here is that the author tried to deliver the entire menu, instead of concentrating on just one dish. In essence, Major Littmann made the same observation. I just think the buffet wasn't quite that bad. It delivered, it just wasn't spectacular.
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So in summary we've got a pretty creative author who had a little bit of zeal, trying to give us more than we (and he) could effectively handle. Considering this is Dr. White's first story, it's fricken awesome. It also means that with a little more seasoning, Dr. White will take his time with the next snuffing (perhaps Linda?) and will really make a meal worth eating.
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Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander
(www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (7/10)
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- Replied by:
Dr. White
(Edit) (Feb 28, 2011)
- My thanks to you as well, I enjoy the constructive criticism. I apparently do have a problem with sentence fragments, I'll try to work on that.
We all seem to agree that I tried to put too much into this story, hopefully I'll be able to calm down with my future stories. Maybe I'll even have some room for personalities. ;)
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| Reviewer:
Major Littmann
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Feb 27, 2011 |
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Chilling, excess gratuitous death one dimensional characters, it lacks credibility and lacks believeability, which is a shame because any one of the many elements of the story could have made great stories in their own right, although I think for real believeability Mr Smith should havd killed himself with the guilotine at the end as well.
(6/10)
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- Replied by:
Dr. White
(Edit) (Feb 27, 2011)
- Thanks for the criticism, I guess I went overboard with all the scenes pressed into one story like that. I've just started writing and hope to improve as I continue.
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