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Jills Fire
Author: roccodadom44
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(Added on Jun 7, 2010)
(This month 95396 readers) (Total 111648 readers) |
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how a thirty five year old guy falls in love with a fourteen year old girl |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 3 |
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33% |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (6/10) |
| Average
Rating: (6/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (7/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (5/10) |
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| Reviewer:
JimmyJump
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 17, 2010 |
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Story was written with a high-speed Tommy-gun holding a double capacity charger. Was out of breath after three sentences and not because I was getting carried away. Okay, so my physical state isn't the best, but still.
As far as criticism about age goes, well, I liked some 14 year olds back when I was 15. Since, 34 years on, I'm basically still the same dude, I still like certain 14 year olds today.
Besides, as a 15 year old, I also liked 'older' girls (anything sporting tits --apart from Meat Loaf-- up until age thirty), so, would that have made me an 'adultophile' then?
Good story, alas hampered by its staccato writing style --see Michael Alexander's response.
JJ (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 13, 2010 |
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About ten years ago I read Anne Rice's "Belinda". This had a very similar feeling. Underage girl completely besotted with an older man. Art, music, laughter, emotions... all of it tied up in a forbidden romance. I personally didn't mind the underage sex, though I try not to write it myself. In fact, I disliked the watersports more, but the author warned the reader in the codes and I just skipped over those sentences and they didn't affect my rating.
*** There were quite a few grammatical errors in this story that were distracting. The author didn't use apostrophes to show possession. There were massive run on sentences which damaged the flow of the story. Prepositional phrases were over used and misplaced modifiers were frequent. I recognize that it is sometimes difficult to add complexity and depth to the written word, but in this case, the author overcompensated. Dial it back a bit. Use simpler sentences.
*** I thought the author did a very good job describing scenes, characters, and action. Description is so important and having good ones add a level of depth and interest to the story. The author made a point to give us the visuals and that was great.
*** The plot line was rather well thought out, but it meandered. By Chapter Two, every paragraph was a new scene, moving on to the next sexual exploitation with little plot movement, sexual tension progression, or action. There was no dialog. I felt like I was getting snap shots, or that the narrator and I were sitting at a table, drinking a beer, and he was reminiscing, rather than telling me a story. It was disjointed.
*** That said, the story did have a discernible plot arc with a climax (where the narrator and Jill confront Jill's loser parents) and a climax (the narrator winning custody of Jill). There was even a resolution, with the final trip to the Vineyard. My only issue was that a lot of the story focused solely on the sex/romance between the narrator and Jill. If the climax was about confronting Jill's parents, there was very little in Chapter 2 to move us along to that point. We ended up getting hints in Chapters 1 and 2, and then getting smacked with how awful Jill's parents were in Chapter 3, practically in one paragraph.
*** The primary reason this story gets a five rating from me was grammatical. I think the author has some great creativity that really shows and I think I may read a few of his other works to see how they play out as well. I recommend finding an editor, or wait a few weeks, then reread the work, and try to eliminate the worst of the errors. Keep writing! Michael Alexander (www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (5/10)
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| Reviewer:
Dryhill
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 12, 2010 |
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Ok i am being hard, i really do not like underage sex, even if the youngester is willing and eager. This story is well told with plenty of descriptive text and good all round characterization that enables the reader to picture the scene, locations and people involved.
Make the girl a few years older and i would have been happy giving this at least an eight.
(6/10)
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