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My Fantasy...
Author: TimelessMoments
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(Added on May 29, 2010)
(This month 48512 readers) (Total 54807 readers) |
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She believes she is alone, but has an intruder in the house |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
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of Ratings: 2 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (6/10) |
Average
Rating:  (6.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (7/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (6/10) |
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| Reviewer:
jip
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 24, 2012 |
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very erotic story. The idea only being watched when nude and being playing with her genitals...hot (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 3, 2010 |
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The author's moniker "TimelessMoments" is exactly how I felt about the pace of this piece. I felt as if the author, the character, and I were all in some sort of drug induced sexual euphoria that just made everything better. That said, there were a few issues we need to discuss.
*** First of all, lets talk formatting. Depending on what word processor you use, web pages have difficulty in correctly blocking the paragraphs. MS Word is notorious for this. In this particular case, all of the paragraph indentations were eliminated, causing some rather serious formatting difficulties. I recommend working with a slightly different format for stories posted on the internet vs. hardcopy: press enter and put a space between each paragraph and/or quotation rather than a tab. It will come out looking correctly. I know this from experience and spending hours going back through my work, hitting enter over and over again.
*** The author writes this story in both present tense and first person, possibly the worst combination of story telling methods possible. Worse, the author then makes the narrator omniscient as well. It takes an extremely talented writer to pull off first person AND present tense. Doing them together is even more difficult. Present tense is just awkward. Awkward to write and awkward to read. It's like a screenplay rather than a story and is usually only successful in odd ball writings where you have an unusual concept...like Choose Your Own Adventure. (I'm actually working on an erotic CYOA story and its in present tense second person and its been tough.) First person hampers the author's ability to convey things like other people's emotion. The author deals with this by making the narrator omniscient as well and tells what the "man" in the story is doing in present tense. What this creates is a really weird story telling method that would be a bit confusing if the story was longer or not as simple.
*** I would like to point out that almost every sentence begins with "I". I do this...I do that...and so on. I recommend playing around with some prepositional phrases to add some sentence depth and complexity to the story telling. Instead of writing "I go through my nightly routine of washing the dinner dishes, and tidying up the front room" you might try "Washing the dinner dishes, I go through my nightly routine. Tidying the up the front room comes next." See? It adds a bit of complexity and changes up the sentence structure rather nicely.
*** There were a couple of plot holes that had me wondering. How did the man move around the house to watch the various activities going on? Did he move from the bedroom closet to the living room coat closet? Was he in the attic? And she never saw him? Or how about the issue of when did she wake up? After she was tied down? Maybe the reason she walked around in a sexual euphoria is because she's been taking sleeping pills and was on the verge of sleep, because I know that most people wake up when being bound and gagged.
*** Let's see here... on the list of great ways to meet women, I seriously doubt that breaking into her house, watching her masturbate, then tying her up and raping her (whether it turns into consensual sex or not) is hardly at the top of the list. Why didn't this guy just ask her out on a date? He met her cliched requirements! Tall, dark, and handsome! So why not walk up, say "hey, care to go to dinner sometime?" I guess that would have made a pretty boring story, right? Yeah. Well it also makes the current story a bit unbelievable. Fun...yes. But unbelievable. Granted, fiction is just that...fiction. But you've got to base it in reality for the most part.
*** All said and done, this story was not a bad first offering from a new author. It was sweet like a fruit wine, lazy like a Sunday afternoon, and passionate like my wife. Uh...I mean like passion fruit. Yeah. While there wasn't much sexual tension this story was like slipping into a warm bed on a cold night. Comfortable. I look forward to seeing what else TimelessMoments can bring to the table, especially with some new insight into formatting and sentence construction. Keep Writing! Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander (www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (6/10)
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