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They Came for Me in Math Class
Author: Prataaraka
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(Added on May 29, 2010)
(This month 56549 readers) (Total 80574 readers) |
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A schoolgirl in 2013 takes her first steps into a world that's re-discovered corporal punishment and indentured servitude. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 8 |
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13% |
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25% |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (8/10) |
| Average
Rating: (8/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (10/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (5/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Causa
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 21, 2010 |
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Great story, I hope this becomes part of a series. The complete society that you built to support the story really adds to the degree of helplessness the heroine finds herself in. (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
JimmyJump
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 16, 2010 |
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Good story, alas a tad pretentious. The use of too many times the same words in close proximity of each other ('although' and 'collect', for example), together with a tendency to go through great lengths of explaining to the readers --stupid as we are-- what is quite obvious, is annoying as well.
Picking the book (actually the transcript of a stageplay) "Trusting Our Fate In The Hands of God" ("Op Hoop Van Zegen" - by dramatist Herman Heijermans) without mentioning that Heijermans was a Socialist who wrote the piece as an attack on the existing capitalist system, is, if not misleading, showing at least neglect. It has me also wondering in what context that play is mentioned, as only a handful of readers on this site know about it. If it was to show-off the intelectual disposition of Violet, you failed miserably as a more commonly known work would have done the job better (I feel it's the reading/possession of that particular transcript which could have put in motion the punishment and sending-off of Violet, but if it is, then the author did a good job in screwing up the story's premise by forgetting to mention the fact).
Furthermore, there's the inconsistencies, mentioned already by Michael Alexander and Curtis, which sadly add to the confusion.
And to takarada-san: if you are Japanese, as your name suggests, please do yourself a favour and check Japanese history. Slavery and corporal punishments, far worse than in this here story, are a huge part of it, as in most other countries who had colonies overseas or in Africa (and yes, that includes Belgium, my own country).
Back to the story.
It is a real pity that not more attention was paid to the aformentioned flaws, because the writing is solid, the characterizations are good and the tale seems to actually go somewhere. At least, the SUV seems to.
Will follow to see where both the story and the SUV wind up...
JJ (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
johnlw77
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 9, 2010 |
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excellent! I loved the way the erotic tension builds up. I always enjoy a story where a state system gets holdf someone and, however they struggle or resist, there is no way they can aviod a relentless descent into a life of bondage, slavery and hard labour. A sequel please and very soon! (9/10)
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| Reviewer:
takarada
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 4, 2010 |
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Ridiculous criticisms of a great story.
It is never, ever acceptable to this somebody.
It is not possible to come up with such scenario in which this would make sense.
So to create a fantasy where evil people torture an innocent girl for sadistic sexual gratification as if it where corporal punishment some artistic license is required.
If you don't like it go read another story or better still, write your own showing the writer how it is done...except you don't have the skills to do it.
(10/10)
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- Replied by:
Michael247
(Edit) (Jun 9, 2010)
- Takarada,
I'm disappointed, as I'm sure the author is, that you chose to review the reviewers, rather than the story. Your complaint that some artistic license is required because it is "not possible to come up with such scenario" in which such actions would make sense is ridiculous. While artistic license is perfectly acceptable, all that is required is well thought out plots. It makes no sense to write something that has your readers scratching their heads going "huh?" when just a few additional sentences could clear up the confusion. That is what TRUE artistic license is. And to be quite honest with you, I have over twenty stories posted here at the BDSM Library, all of which have excellent ratings. Or you can take a look at my website or blog (www.michaelalexanderstories.com). I think those of us who try to provide constructive feedback to authors would appreciate more courtesy from a fellow reader and reviewer.
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| Reviewer:
Curtis
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 3, 2010 |
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My comments essentially echo Dryhill's and Michael's, but the numerical evaluation varies. The story is well-written, except for it not hanging together logically. Was the camera turned off before the headmaster began the 'school' punishment? If not, then the whole world saw how unjust her punishment was ('I believe we were at… five?'). Only spouses are occasionally responsible for other people's debts, and not always then. A child would never be responsible for their parents' debts. And no one has the right to sell someone else into slavery.
Aside from those, you misread the effect of having a liberal president and congress. They would never permit, much less encourage, any educational system similar to the one you describe (with uniforms, corporal punishment, saints, etc.) to become universal.
The actual sex portions of the story are good, and you do a wonderful job of presenting what's inside the heroine's head. Your backstory and justifications need work. (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
Dryhill
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 3, 2010 |
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There are three things that really spoilt this story for me and one of those has already been mentioned by Michael247. What was the school punishment for?
The second item is how is any pupil to stop their parent getting into debt or is the child supposed to get made a ward of the government? Please make this clear.
The third thing that bothered me, and in my eyes really spoilt a good idea, is the fact this happens in 2013. It took Herr Hitler three years from becoming Chancellor of the Reichstag to outlawing all other political parties and making large sections of the German population slaves, and he had nearly one million brown shirts on his side. The brilliant film 2001 Space Oddessy was released in 1968 (man had yet to walk on the moon) and we are still unabple to emulate the film. If you must set a story in the future make it a far future (a hundred years plus). If you had set this in 2113 then i would be giving you at least 8 points. (5/10)
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- Replied by:
JimmyJump
(Edit) (Jun 16, 2010)
- I have to disagree with the timeframe you propose. Look at what happened after 9/11 in the USA: how fast the "Patriot Act" and "Homeland Security" got passed and installed.
Furthermore, there's clearly 'evidence' in the story, that we are dealing with an alternative timeline: one where the concervatives have the power still (Palin legislation and so on)...
Granted, 3 years in the future might seem short notice, but a whole lot can still happen in that time...
JJ
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 2, 2010 |
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This was a very interesting little tale. And despite the rather skewed political jabs of the author, I enjoyed it. The first thing I had to do was increase the size of the type. Evidently the author submitted it in 10 point to the BDSM Library and it was uncomfortably tiny to read. 12 point is always the best size to submit your work in.
*** With this story we are graced with the product of an author who can actually write. Sentence structure is excellent, with compound sentences adding depth and complexity without relying on prepositional phrases or superfluous adjectives. There weren't any errors that I noticed, though I do read fast so I'm not saying there aren't any.
*** For the most part the plot was fairly straight forward. I liked the progression from innocent genius too wronged beauty.
*** What I didn't understand was the dual punishments. According to the story she received a caning on her pantied bottom because... her adoptive father had sold her into indentured servitude? Huh? And then she got whipped across her breasts because she broke some unnamed rules at the school over the duration of the last year? That just seems...convenient, and a little odd. Why did the vice headmaster or whatever wait so long to have her into his office. The way the author described her body, if I were the headmaster, she'd be permanently parked nude, leaning backward over my desk while various delicate parts were routinely (and by that I mean daily) whipped, clamped, waxed, and where applicable, stuffed. Why wait until her dad sold her away? And what were the crimes the school needed to conceal from the media? Was it her brilliance? Her desire to apply to a foreign school? Her dad's problem with gambling?
*** All in all I still really liked this story. It did what it was supposed to do, with was create erotic tension. I sense a sequel coming up...I wonder what indentured servitude will be like for our little Violet? Michael Alexander (www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (8/10)
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- Replied by:
JimmyJump
(Edit) (Jun 16, 2010)
- I think that the 'crime' which has to be kept out of the media is the possession of the 'book' (a transcript of a play), mentioned at the very start of the story (as well as in my review).
The play "Op Hoop Van Zegen" (literally meaning "On The Hopes Of Being Blessed", instead of the official translation "Trusting Our Fate In The Hands of God") which was a controversy at the time of its presentation (1900) and which play is an attack on the capitalist system, a system in which we are in fact all slaves to the high and mighty industries, banks, governments, religions, etc...
In Prataraaka's story, the possession of such a book could mean one isn't in total agreement with the customs of the school --society even-- and the toleration of the possession could lead to disadavantagious circumstances for the school, should word get out. But, since the author doesn't mention all of this (bar the faint hint at the start, and then only to those very few who are in the know --which up until now is only the author and me) it leaves all the punishing and indented servitude without the needed incentive...
JJ
- Replied by:
Michael247
(Edit) (Jun 16, 2010)
- Jimmy, thanks for the information on the play. Yes, I totally missed that and to be honest with you, have never read it or even heard of it. As you might suspect, socialism is not very popular here in the United States. Marx's utopia might work in a small setting, but has trouble on a macro scale.
- Replied by:
JimmyJump
(Edit) (Jun 16, 2010)
- Sure, but that's because in the USA, most folk don't see the difference between Socialism, and forms of Communism as derived from Marx & Engles' manifest (like Leninism, Stalinism and National Socialism).
Socialism is based on a society in which the strong help the weak. Communism is based upon the Idea of society as a commune, in which everybody is treated equally.
Sad thing is that everybody who rose to power, within whatever political platform, took advantage of the weaknesses of the system, which led (and leads) to exploitation. Which has me thinking that there's more going on behind some doors, like those of international finance... but that would take us a tad too far...
The play mentioned in the story, died a silent death and is over a century old now. I stumbled across the author of the play by doing research about a Belgian Flemish priest, Pastor Daens, who at the time of the industrial revolution, revolted against the disgusting treatment the laborers got from their (overly Roman Christian) employers. So he (Daens) decided to do something and went on to make himself electable on the list of the Belgian Socialist Party... which the church of course didn't like. At all...
JJ
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| Reviewer:
Jake Olive
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 1, 2010 |
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Wow, that was a very intense story. Very well written and extremely creative. Thanks for sharing it..Good work. (9/10)
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