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Weighed
Average (?):  (5/10) |
| Average
Rating: (5/10) |
| Highest
Rating: (5/10) |
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Rating: (5/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Apr 20, 2010 |
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I think Dryhill pointed out a few of the inconsistencies with this story and I have to agree with the plot and characterization. There's not much here. First of all, the story is ridiculously short. Especially since the author intends this to be a serial as evidenced by the "theater" remark at the end. Writing erotica is an art form and one of the most important things you have to remember is that the goal is the arousal and eventual satisfaction of your reader. You WANT your reader (whether male or female) to be masturbating through much of the story, and you want them to climax at the CLIMAX of the story arch. If your story is too short, then no arousal leading to explosive ending. If your story is too long, they get off and stop reading. Timing is still everything, even in the written word. *** My next issue is descriptors. You provided practically nothing. In fact, your only major adjective in the whole story was "green" which described the flogger. Remember that a story is like a movie, except the author has to do the job of not only the director and screenwriter (creating dialog and action), but also the prop manager, the costume designer, the set designer...all of it. Forget to describe your scene and it's like a play put on by eight year-old pervert with his kid sister's costume box. *** Next, watch out for your tenses. Most of the story is written in past tense, which is the best tense for telling stories unless you are wicked good. I rarely write present tense stories. Several times you accidentally slipped and started paragraphs in present tense, then went back to past tense. Pick one. Stay with it. *** Lastly, I have to make a small complaint about Dom Adam. Everything he did was not only well in the range of believability, but also well within the "yes we've done this before" boredom range. We read erotic fantasy because the improbable and the impossible happen, not the typical little love session I had last night with my wife. If you are going to make the time to write a story, make it the kind of story that will want me to make the time to read it. *** All of this said I think the author has some burgeoning talent and could eventually produce some 8 or even 9 rating stories. So Karen, let your hair down, jump in there, and let your fantasy run a little wild! Your's Faithfully, Michael Alexander (5/10)
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| Reviewer:
Dryhill
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Apr 7, 2010 |
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Nothing new in this story, and lacks any characterization.
There is also what looks like an error in editing. At the begining celeste is given an envelope which contains instructions to get undressed as soon as she enters the room, this we are told she does. At the end Master gives celeste a new business suite because He knew her original clothes would be ruined - how come, as she had already taken them off?
On the plus side at least there were no spelling mistakes and grammar is alright. (5/10)
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