|
|
|
|
|
Private School Girl
Author: bigbobby.
|
| |
(Added on Mar 7, 2010)
(This month 80903 readers) (Total 140934 readers) |
| |
Private School Girl Kelli is walking home and not paying attention to her surroundings. Her story is not pretty but it is sweet. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 4 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| 1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
| 0% |
0% |
0% |
75% |
0% |
25% |
0% |
0% |
0% |
0% |
|
Weighed
Average (?):  (5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (4.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (6/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (4/10) |
|
|
|
|
| Reviewer:
prey4me
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Apr 30, 2010 |
| |
Much as I like the rape and abuse of young schoolgirls, this story has little to commend it. It gets off to a fast start--no character or story development. Kelli is walking in a vicious neighborhood. Kelli is taken into a back alley. Kelli gets raped and tortured in every conceivable way by a collection of stock sickos. Bigbobby uses lots of dialogue to the displacement of description. There were a couple of times I couldn't quite follow the position the brutes had hung Kelli. Well, it's a story of a pristine 14-year-old raped, tortured, and snuffed with a strong emphasis on her upper-class status. (4/10)
|
|
|
|
|
| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Apr 20, 2010 |
| |
I think the other two reviewers did a fine job of presenting the major points and problems with this story. I almost didn't bother to review it because of the nature of your serial. Realistically, a story this short should not be posted in segments. A good point to handle segments is anything over 50k, then you probably need chapter splits. This helps keep your readers present in the story. Let's say I read your next "serial", I probably won't re-read the first ones, which means you have to build me up again, and your "adds" are so short that I may get hard and then have no place to go...except someone else's story. *** My next issues is with your descriptions. You did GREAT on describing the characters. Your setting descriptions left a lot to be desires, particularly how Kelli was tied up. It made it very difficult to envision. Remember that authors are basically movie directors, but with the added task of being in charge of props, costumes, set design, lighting, and camera angle, not just telling the actors where to move and what to say. I'll do you the courtesy of reading your next installment, but make it two or three times as long and concentrate on fixing your grammatical format and descriptions. (4/10)
|
|
|
|
|
| Reviewer:
DeGrinch
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Apr 9, 2010 |
| |
Three things that I think would help your story.
1. When writing dialogue, put a paragraph in when you switch speakers.
2. Your story needs something to set it apart. A bunch of thugs grab a girl and rape her in an alley is old stuff, you need something special in her or their chacter or something about the rape that's different. Something.
3. You've got to develope you character more. they are all 'lifeless' as written.
Don't give up. All of the above sounds harsh but I think I feel something good lurking in the background of your story. Keep trying. (6/10)
|
|
|
|
|
| Reviewer:
Major Littmann
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Mar 8, 2010 |
| |
A young girl is walking home and gets tied up, great, but it's hardly a stand alone story, there's no discription of how she's tied up who does what, no characterisations, it well enough written but nothing happens and the little thatb does happen is just skated over, to be honest it wasn't really worth reading. (4/10)
|
|
|
About 