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A subs first time-a true story
Author: Jaypee
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(Added on Jan 6, 2010)
(This month 52709 readers) (Total 63927 readers) |
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My first meeting with this sub finds her limits. This is a true story. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 3 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (4/10) |
| Average
Rating: (4/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (5/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (2/10) |
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| Reviewer:
hotblackchick
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 17, 2010 |
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Thank you for having the courage to share your story with the rest of the world. It has promise in that the elements that you chose to include were well thought out and the actions had the kind of flow that let's one know that the Dom has thought out each step.
However the story can be improved by breaking it down into paragraphs and adding internal dialogue and/or perceived actions of the female character. How does she really react to the depth of experience for her first time submitting to this man? Is she an experienced sub? What is her background? What about our male? What is his background?
Let's flesh out this story and then resubmit it. I am adding it to my shelf so that I can look out for future resubmissions because I think that it does have the promise of a series if you chose to do that! (5/10)
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| Reviewer:
slave_peri
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 7, 2010 |
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This was a bit flat and difficult to follow. The format and punctuation were an issue. The story itself lacks any tension. (2/10)
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| Reviewer:
JimmyJump
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 7, 2010 |
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Okay as a fantasy, I guess. But as a story, it lacks on all fronts, be it in writing skill, in style or in bringing a good, captivating narrative...
It's just a guy being lecherous and doing stuff to a completely anonymous girl. A girl who also seems to be an inanimate object, with no response, no thoughts. Nothing.
I'm afraid that Jaypee has a long way to go, still.
JJ (4/10)
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