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The Day the Gates Opened Up
Author: Lady_BD
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(Added on Sep 22, 2007)
(This month 68212 readers) (Total 108198 readers) |
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One day some scientists had found out a way to open the barrier to other dimensions and what was opened was Hell. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 4 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (6/10) |
| Average
Rating: (6/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (7/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (5/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Razor7826
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Mar 15, 2008 |
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The idea and plot are decent, but you have to use more varied punctuation. You use periods and commas all over the place to make gargantuan and improper sentences. How you handled it makes the story feel unintentionally rushed. Not how much time you spent on it, but the overall pacing of the story. There's also problems with missing paragraph breaks. However, these can all be fixed. Keep working at it. (5/10)
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- Replied by:
Ladyfox
(Edit) (Mar 17, 2008)
- My english is, at best not too good, I do have someone (once he gets to helping me) to edit my work.
The work that I had submitted took me on and off a couple of months and I am still working on some other stories as well.
But thanks for your comments.
- Replied by:
Ladyfox
(Edit) (Mar 17, 2008)
- My english is, at best not too good, I do have someone (once he gets to helping me) to edit my work.
The work that I had submitted took me on and off a couple of months and I am still working on some other stories as well.
But thanks for your comments.
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| Reviewer:
azrlg17
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Mar 13, 2008 |
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Interesting story idea. But the people all this is happening to are taking it way too quietly. No complaining, begging, threatening, bargaining,... They just accept anything done to them. It feels a bit like a story describing robots. Also the way the story is told feels like a shopping list or a documentary. The protagonist is like a completely neutral observer. "They 1st did this, then that, after that they did whatever...". That reads a bit boring. What does she feel? Why does she not rail against the injustice?
Why did Malik choose them? What is his motivation? Think about his goals, strengths and weaknesses. Try to do this with all characters and let them react.
(5/10)
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- Replied by:
Ladyfox
(Edit) (Mar 14, 2008)
- If yu read the start of the story, the women are raped and the men watched as they are made to cum several times over, so when the Demon are finished with them, they are too exhausted to do anything.
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| Reviewer:
chksng19
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Sep 25, 2007 |
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Lots of story concerns, and some lost opportunities for interesting plot twists. Slow down, get an editor to help you, and then add on to the tale. (6/10)
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- Replied by:
Ladyfox
(Edit) (Sep 25, 2007)
- OK, I do have a problem with my English (Learning Disabilities), but I do have an editor and he should have the problem fixed soon. Also, I did this story in about two weeks or so.
I didn't want the story to get too long, so that is why I stopped at that point. I have been doing episodic fanfiction, but usually, it has been about half that length. However, I am actually writing this for the first time, and not just reading it as I have been for a while.
Thanks for you comments and I will have part 2 of the story out soon. This will show what life is like in the Citadel.
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| Reviewer:
Mad Lews
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Sep 24, 2007 |
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It's imaginative, sometimes the descriptions are vivid and compelling but there are too many typos, tense changes, and problems with sentence structure. It really makes it hard on the reader and distracts from what could be a very good story. A proof read or two would help immensely, you can find people willing to do just that on the forums pages. Good luck. (7/10)
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- Replied by:
Ladyfox
(Edit) (Sep 25, 2007)
- Thanks for you comments and as I mentioned above, I have an editor and he will help me with this. You are right - but as I stated above, the problem is due is large part to LD (and ADHD).The corrected version should be uploaded soon. Also it was getting too long and that is why I had stopped there.
Again, I will have part 2 of the story out soon as well; this will show what life is like in the Citadel and many other things.
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