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Business Bitch
Author: Jon Maddux
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(Added on Dec 5, 2006)
(This month 39295 readers) (Total 94373 readers) |
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A career minded married woman is taught to be a sumissive loving wife by her captor. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 24 |
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8% |
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33% |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (7.5/10) |
| Average
Rating: (7.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (10/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (4/10) |
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| Reviewer:
azrlg17
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Feb 14, 2008 |
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Well it certainly is a unique story. Grammar and spelling are OK. It's hard to give a fair rating because of the revulsion about the motivation and mindset of the main character and what he does to his victim. I found it very unrealistic that the woman did not fight back once. I mean he writes that even if she knocked him out she couldn't escape because of the combination lock. Well duh, knock him out, tie him up and once you start cutting the balls off the combination will be revealed really fast. Don't even have to knock him out, just bite his dick off during a blowjob.
I hated the end because I think she should have given the kid up for adoption and not caved. And it seems she didn't even go to the cops which is totally ridiculous. I think her experience would turn most women totally off kids.
(4/10)
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- Replied by:
JonMaddux
(Edit) (Feb 22, 2008)
- #1, ITS FICTION! Its a fantasy type story created to cater to the people who enjoy this type of plotline. If it catered to those who like to cut off balls and bite off dicks it would have had different coding! If your not interested in a certain type plot kindly ignore it and dont read it. As for the cutting, the environment she is kept in is sterile of weapons for a reason, the safety of the detainor, not the detainee! I do appreciate the fact you gave me some critique as to the syntax and grammer of the story as i am semi new to writing stories and i find new areas to improve upon with every submission. Yes the main character has some serious issues mentally, if he were normal the story wouldnt have included kidnapping and rape. While i appreciate you taking time to critique and vote, i would appreciate it even more if folks voted on the grammer, syntax, flow and my ability to write the story not on whether or not they agree with its plot.
- Replied by:
azrlg17
(Edit) (Mar 16, 2008)
- I think I didn't just rate that I didn't like the plotline. My main problem is that the bitch doesn't fight back once. You don't need weapons for that. If you are forced to give a blowjob you just bite down hard, pull your head back fast and do an uppercut in front of your nose. Forced oral sex without a ring gag is like russian roulette.
But even before that she had been told that he would do unspeakable things to her and she just accepted everything. No bargaining, threatening, yelling, kicking or screaming?
And as I said keeping the kid and becoming what he wanted just doesn't work without a fantasy flag IMO.
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| Reviewer:
enjoy_me
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 18, 2007 |
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This is one of my favorite stories of all time. It might not rate well on the believability scale, but the concept overshadows that, imo. (10/10)
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| Reviewer:
Satan_Klaus
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Feb 4, 2007 |
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The storyline is barely existant and the motivation of the main character is highly irrational.
I suppose that the author is speaking english as a second language so we should go easy on him but I would expect a less confusing formatting.
All in all, I'm not too keen for the other 2 chapters. (6/10)
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- Replied by:
JonMaddux
(Edit) (Dec 6, 2006)
- if there are specific items you wish to address constuctively so i can evolve as a writer feel free. Perhaps you could provide me a link to your story(s) so i can see how its really done? If you merely wish to bitch and complain dont waste my time. however i am sure everyone else who liked it thanks you for upping the review count. By the way, i received my 20 reviews and many more within 48 hours of the story posting; Some here but most by email so pt 2 is being emailed in tonight.
- Replied by:
Satan_Klaus
(Edit) (Dec 9, 2006)
- On rereading the story, I have to admit that I have probably judged you unfairly harsh but I still maintain that there are serious flaws in it.
First, there seems to be a lot of minor mistakes in your sentences e.g. missing "a's" and ".'s" As if your story was written hastily without rereading what you wrote. Often, it helps not to look at your story for a few days and then reread everything. You will suddenly see mistakes that you could not find when writing it.
Second, I really don't understand the motivation of the main character. Why is he doing what he is doing? He is going through a whole lot of trouble just to teach this career wife a lesson.
You wanted an example of what is bad about your story so I will give one:
After being told that she will be tortured, raped and impregnated by her captor Martha answers:
"Okay, but I WILL not like it and I do NOT want any of this."
Come on, stating the obvious is not really what the victim would do. The only thing worse that she could have said would have been "Oh yes master hit me more!"
Satan_Klaus
PS: Some of my stories can be found here:
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/stories/author.php?authorid=1405
- Replied by:
JonMaddux
(Edit) (Dec 20, 2006)
- Now that was an awesome review! Thats what i wanted and needed! I have found relying too heavily on spell check is a bad thing. It ignores some punctuation it shouldnt. My English has never been great but i have tried to improve it. Your correct again in the fact in after thought that was a rather hokey line i gave and yes i should have delved into his psychosymatic issues more thoroughly. My proofreader has his work cut out for him LOL. He did help me improve upon the other chapters and redevelope the plot to save it from being incoherent. Most of my stories i wrote while overseas and am just getting around to rereading and proofing (somewhat) since i found this site to submit stuff too. I was very leery of submitting them but i have about 2 dozen total so figured i would give it a go. I hope you continue to read my future stories and give me that type of feedback.
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| Reviewer:
mkemse
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 6, 2007 |
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was enjoyable to read but chapters that are longer would be nice
Just re read it had to up the review (9/10)
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| Reviewer:
jip
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 4, 2007 |
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The story is very erotic and sexy. It is something special and this is certainly a value. The only thing I disliked is that she canot have any orgasm anymore, but that is my personal opninion and I did not take it into consideration for my quote. (8/10)
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- Replied by:
JonMaddux
(Edit) (Jan 4, 2007)
- thank you, i do appreciate your review. I do like when folks review and provide feedback to my stories and much more so when its done against the merits of my hard work and not their fetishes. So thank you for being objective!
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| Reviewer:
Mothbrad
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 12, 2006 |
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Very enjoyable story, highly erotic for those into humiliation and training. I found the ending very curious, and perhaps would have liked to have some sense that her treatment (as well as her attitude) would continue in her new/old situation. (8/10)
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- Replied by:
JonMaddux
(Edit) (Dec 13, 2006)
- again, thanks to all who took or take the time to review my stories! I have received tons of good feedback and hope my writing improves due to it. I wasnt sure how in depth to make the ending as this is my first multi-part story. I had a sneeking suspicion it might be a bit light but wasnt sure. As i mentioned i have doubted my ability to write something decent in the past so i wasnt sure if it was just me being nervous or if i was developing a inner voice and i shoulda listened to it.
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| Reviewer:
Mozelle
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 9, 2006 |
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I liked your story! I think ppl are being WAY to hard on you here. I mean c'mon people! All this about proper a's and ah's and blah blah... If we all had proof readers, I'm sure all our stories would be in some BDSM hall of fame somewhere. The general story itself is good- I like it. Curious what will happen to Marta now. :) Please post part 3 soon. (7/10)
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- Replied by:
JonMaddux
(Edit) (Dec 10, 2006)
- Thanks, i agree. I thought the site was a free site where up and coming writers could post some stories and learn as they went. Apparently there are numerous English majors and folks with PhD's who disagree LOL. Maybe they can offer to proof read folks stories? I like the constructive critism alot but the whining is a waste of everyones time.
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| Reviewer:
cala
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 9, 2006 |
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Minor technical errors aside, it is the overuse of descriptive passages that makes this story such heavy going. The character Marta is vacuous and insipid, tending to state the bloody obvious in dialogue. She reads more like a personal fantasy figure than realistic character. Please, when wanting to reinforce the tone of a sentence or individual word, it is a great deal more comfortable for the reader to see that done with the use of italics RATHER than CAPITAL LETTERS. (5/10)
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- Replied by:
JonMaddux
(Edit) (Dec 9, 2006)
- I appreciate the review and the pointers! As i hear more how to's i hope to hone my writing ability and continually improve my end product. Good insight thank you.
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| Reviewer:
maubury
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 9, 2006 |
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This was an interesting story that I found to be unlike most others I have read lately. (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
fred_plm
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 9, 2006 |
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OK, waiting for more ... (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
DeGrinch
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 8, 2006 |
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A story should be headed by it's title and the authors name, not chapter 1 and begin, at least in the first installment.
I agree the the victim is poorly written up and need expanding in order to have the reader care what happens to her. (6/10)
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- Replied by:
JonMaddux
(Edit) (Dec 8, 2006)
- Awesome thank you. it hadnt even occured to me to put the author's name into the top line with the title. I was thinking (wrongly) that since it was posted against me in the main page that the story itself shouldnt have it. Exactly the type of critiques i am looking for. I did evolve the characters a bit more in the second part. Is/Was it not adequate still?
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| Reviewer:
floydpolgar
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 6, 2006 |
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I disagree with Satan Klaus. Overall, good so far. We must acknowledge a problem with rating an uncompleted/partially read story. Looking back I can think of many works of literature that would have rated poorly if only judged by their first few chapters. Stories can take unexpected and surprising turns. I know that in my own story I have a surprise ending in store.
This goes for non-fiction, too. My favorite book is Gibbon's "Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire". If I had to judge the book by the first three chapters, I would have rated it poorly. After reading the whole thing, it become's clear that those first few chapters were necessary to lay the foundation for what followed.
Getting back to this story, though, it does seem that the abduction and the girl in bondage scene was underwritten. I had trouble visualizing the girl laying there in the 100 degree heat. Maybe that's the fault of the reader not the writer. Glad you Jon don't get to rate us; we only get to rate you. (7/10)
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- Replied by:
JonMaddux
(Edit) (Dec 6, 2006)
- THank you, i dont mind a constructive critique at all. I will re-read the story and see if i can draw the same conclusions you mentioned and hopefully in the future be able to better relate things in all aspects of the story.
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| Reviewer:
Cracktaster
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 6, 2006 |
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I enjoyed reading Business Bitch. I can't wait to find out how she will get pregnent. I hope it will the so degrading for her. Will she be given any thing to cause her to have more than a few babies at one time? (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
s1xer
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 6, 2006 |
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Just a taster, promising of much more to come, congratulations and waiting for the follow ons. (7/10)
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- Replied by:
JonMaddux
(Edit) (Dec 6, 2006)
- thank you, as i replied below i am not trying to be an ass i simply want to know if the stories i am writing are good and if i should continue to write.
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| Reviewer:
fantazmaster
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 6, 2006 |
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Jon Maddux has presented us with a story that is
certainly unique in content as well as innovative in seeking comments on the story itself.
The female victim in this story provides a very unique motivation in the form of her being an almost radical exponent of career over family.
Her subsequent treatment and handling are in direct reaction to this career over family choice
and the author provides some interesting techniques in altering this choice of hers.
Beyond the story,the author indicates he will post the subsequent chapters only after receiving 20 comments on this opening chapter.I really do not see this as an unreasonable request on the author's part.Speaking from personal experience,it is certainly frustrating for a writer to spend the time and effort to write and then share a story on
this or other sites,then receive proportionally far less than even 1 per cent of the readers leaving even a brief comment,pro or con.After all Jon could have set the comment quantity a lot higher than the 20 he is asking for.Just imagine if he had set this at 2000 comments or 200 comments,before posting further chapters.
Agree or diagree with this requirement of his,it appears to be effective, as he is well on the way to receiving his 20 comment, as within the first 24 hours of posting this first chapter,he has already received 50 per cent of his requested comments.
(9/10)
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| Reviewer:
BrazenBitch
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 6, 2006 |
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didn't like this story, and there were spelling and grammar problems which were distracting. anyway, i'll check out some of your other posted stories.
also Jon, you can't force people to make comments, like you have demanded:
"Since i wrote one story and had over 8000 people read it and only like 6 comments, if you want the other two parts i will submit them after i receive atleast 20 comments, good bad or indifferent."
that's not good form. just write and post. and never mind about the comments. (4/10)
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- Replied by:
JonMaddux
(Edit) (Dec 6, 2006)
- first off i would give a monkeys effort more than 2 stars. Next, you are INCORRECT! I may demand as many reviews as i would like. I am the author it is my story. People are not paid to post here and write for free. If i am putting the effort into writing i would at least like to know i am doing it right or need to work on something. Obviously your low rating is a result of your dissatisfaction with my request. Apparently most people disagree with your pickiness because the story average is double the rating you gave! Personally i review quite a few stories and i dont typically hold small grammatical errors against the author so long as it appears spell check was atleast used. I also NEVER hold the fact i dont like the plot line against the author. I try to be objective and grade the story on its detail and GROSS grammatical error. I do however thank you for your insight.
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| Reviewer:
MeanOldHermit
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 5, 2006 |
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Im looking forward to reading more of it. I would like to see it get more abusive. (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
skullblade
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 5, 2006 |
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I have to admit i like the way the story is headed and can not wait to see the rest. (9/10)
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| Reviewer:
JonMaddux
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 5, 2006 |
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Many thanks to my new found BDSM friend and best proof reader a guy could ask for!!! Your the MAN fantasy master!! (10/10)
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| Reviewer:
masterdw
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 5, 2006 |
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Keep up the good work. You are a sadist after my heart. But is there a reason why our hero is upset by this particular bitch not having children? Is there a past history here? (7/10)
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- Replied by:
JonMaddux
(Edit) (Dec 5, 2006)
- Thank you, yes more is revealed as the story progresses. The second pt has a pretty detailed explanation into her past and why the rapist feels the way he does. My superb proof reader fantasymaster also noticed this so i added a bunch of back story in pt 2.
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| Reviewer:
dratt1959
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 5, 2006 |
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cant wait for more..keep up the good work snd lets see part 2 (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
texasmred
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 5, 2006 |
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Very well thought out and written. I enjoyed it and look forward to the next installments. (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
sjt00
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 5, 2006 |
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just enjoyed it but has a ways to go needs to be more abusive (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
Whisky
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 5, 2006 |
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I found this to be quite a good scenario, The only change that I would have made was the method of capture, for me, the "taking and subdueing" of this presumably self orientated female,would be a highlight and the idea of her struggles and obvious horror quite a turn on, but so far so good keep it rollin, I like (5/10)
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About 