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Losing Myself to my Sister
Author: themaneloco
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(Added on Jul 5, 2006)
(This month 68310 readers) (Total 103212 readers) |
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Alison’s desire for female feet leads her on a downward spiral, where she finds herself unable to resist submitting to her younger sister Tiffany. As Tiffany comes to terms with the situation, she uses her older sister’s fetish to her advantage, eventually turning her into a slave girl. *This is the first chapter of an 8 part series. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 10 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (9/10) |
Average
Rating:  (9.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (10/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (6/10) |
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| Reviewer:
JimmyJump
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 28, 2009 |
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Story rattles on all sides.
Take some sentences from the opening paragraph: "Regardless of what people may tell you, beauty is an advantage in today’s society and even more so when the girl knows it is the case."
What do we make from that? Is beauty an advantage, only when the girl knows about the advantage? Or only when she knows she's beautiful? To make that clear, it shouldn't say "...even more so when the girl knows it is the case" but "...even more so when the girl knows she's beautiful."
Next, we have "...Most people despise these arrogant young ladies..."
Excuse me, but when most people despise 'these' arrogant ladies, where's the advantage? If the despise by most people is correct, it shoud be a serious disadvantage to be beautiful, shouldn't it?
Next paragraph, opening line "Yes, my name is Alison Bailey, I am 21 years old and I have a confession." should be: "My name is Alison Bailey, I am 21 years old and yes, I have a confession." Subtle, but important difference, because we were not mystyfied about who she is, so the "Yes" at the start shouldn't be there. Since we were mystyfied about the forthcoming story, the "Yes" should be where I put it.
Next, we have "I keep my fetish to myself, as it would be quite embarrassing if it got out" Now isn't that a bit silly, to be telling us about a fetish confession, and 3 sentences later aknowledging in the present tense about wanting to keep everthing a secret? Yes it is. Sheila either has a confession and she doesn't want to keep things a secret, or she does and she shuts the fuck up and we don't have a story. Point.
Next paragraph, the third one, first two sentences: "My fetish itself, well I find it difficult to explain. I just like them." Who or what is them? It should read feet.
The above examples are called inconsistencies, and the story is full of those, which aggravates me to no end.
The idea is ok, the execution rather poor, I'm afraid, because in the end, Alison does not have a foot fetish, but a sniffing/licking fetish which happens to be concentrated around feet
JJ (6/10)
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| Reviewer:
harve3jabot
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 27, 2008 |
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very well developed and written, love the concept and the writing makes it very believable!
Powerful, looking forward to reading more by this author - fine writing and very well expressed! (10/10)
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| Reviewer:
non-writer
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Aug 5, 2007 |
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I like the charactors and the submissive older sister. To the author are any of the other parts close to being posted. (10/10)
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| Reviewer:
HotWheelz8
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jul 31, 2006 |
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Loved everything about it and cant wait for more (10/10)
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| Reviewer:
scarletthillfan
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jul 21, 2006 |
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For reasons best summarized by wozzekk, I'm in full agreement with the reviewers who rated this a 10. Overall, the best story by this writer to date, which is saying something. (10/10)
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| Reviewer:
mkemse
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jul 10, 2006 |
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the rating says it all, great job (9/10)
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| Reviewer:
JulyMorning
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jul 10, 2006 |
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I really like the steps the characters are going through.It made me think about the different kind of relationships that occur between people,especially connected to the sex...because it is hard to control it.I'm looking forward to the next part of it.Very intiguing story and made with a lot of effort and passion.Keep up the good work! ;) (10/10)
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| Reviewer:
jip
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jul 5, 2006 |
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Rather slow, many repeating scens / items. First the story is between Alison and Tiffany and at once a certain Susan appears. The subject is not to bad. (6/10)
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- Replied by:
themaneloco
(Edit) (Jul 7, 2006)
- This review irks me slightly. Not because of the score, but rather due to how vague it is and well, quite useless. According to what you've written, in order to get a 10 from you I would need to drastically reduce the length of the story, make sure that there are no repeating scenes (which means they can only have one encounter which involves every sex act in existance) and remove the character of Susan.
"Rather slow, many repeating scens/items."
The story was supposed to be a journey through the thoughts of Alison. I felt it was necessary to include a lot of character development and a struggle within her. Repetition of scenes perhaps, but that's only the younger sister gaining familiarity with the situation. It would be illogical for her to do something completely different in every encounter e.g. going from using her as a footstool the one day and raping her with a strap on the next. She is a young girl and though excited with the power she has been given, she isn't experienced in using it. It just wouldn't make sense to have her initiating random dominating acts straight away. I guess the gradual increase of Tiffany as a dominant was lost on you, but I will stick with the pace. Did you want her to be spanking her sister on page 1? I suggest in future you stick to stories of only a page in length perhaps.
"First the story is between Alison and Tiffany and at once a certain Susan appears."
Firstly, thanks for spoiling that for everyone. Also, I don't see the point in this comment? What are you saying exactly? I guess you're saying that she just 'suddenly' appears, which kind of contradicts your 'rather slow' comment.
It's true that part 1 is the introduction of the sisters, but I felt it was appropriate to include the character of Susan as a taste of what was to come. She will be developed further in the next chapter. I did state clearly that this was only the first part.
"The subject is not to bad"
Well...thanks. I think.
I hope this review wont discourage people from reading this story.
Is there anything you liked Jip?
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| Reviewer:
wozzekk
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jul 5, 2006 |
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Erotic writing at its very best! Detailed descriptions, believable characters, great style and best of all: the content turns me on!! Please give us more!! (10/10)
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| Reviewer:
gentleman
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jul 5, 2006 |
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Excellent pacing, ample details, delicious. And it's exciting to know there's so much more to come. (10/10)
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