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The Younger Sister
Author: dylan
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(Added on May 4, 2006)
(This month 14643 readers) (Total 35572 readers) |
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This is fantasy. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 10 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (6/10) |
| Average
Rating: (6/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (10/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (1/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Dododecapod
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 9, 2006 |
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A KINKY fantasy, I should note. You really should have a 'snuff' descriptor on this - I don't mind, but others might.
You write well. A little much in the exposition side, maybe a little more dialogue, would be an improvement.
Also, for what occurs, perhaps a little long-winded. Try either tightening it up or having something happen in the flashbacks.
Enjoyable. (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
H Dean
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 9, 2006 |
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Not a bad story. Not a great story. The flow of the story was hindered by halting sentence structure and technical errors. Consequently, it never got a good flow. Plotwise, it appeared that the showing of the video was to torture the girl before her snuffing. Moreover, it seemed a contrived means to convey the past use of the girl. Particularly odd was the girls relative lack of wounds from being so well wrapped in barbed wire. Barbed wire would do a signifigant amount of damage to a naked body - much more than was described in this story. (6/10)
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| Reviewer:
Mumei
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 9, 2006 |
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Dylan, your story is great. Your responses to your reviews are _awesome_. (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
Couture
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 8, 2006 |
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Learn to use the story codes. (1/10)
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| Reviewer:
bondage_man69
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 7, 2006 |
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barbed wire? yeah whatever. I see the author is immature and can't handle any criticism at all. (1/10)
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- Replied by:
ThisGirl
(Edit) (May 8, 2006)
- No kidding! this author can't handle criticism or compliments! Maybe he's just jiving us all. Nobody can seriously be that ridiculous. Chill out, dylan. Just be fucking grateful that anyone's reading your stories and responding to them. What the hell is wrong with you, dude? And by the way, BigCat, I applaud you for your mature response, and how you did not stoop to the same level of this author.
- Replied by:
dylan
(Edit) (May 8, 2006)
- Barbed wire.
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| Reviewer:
dylan
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 7, 2006 |
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Boy, this story is great. I'm awfully glad you didn't spoil it by giving me certain expectations with those story codes. The harshness of it was made even more. It might be unpleasant to some, but life is ugly and this story doesn't have anything to do with it. (10/10)
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- Replied by:
BigCat76
(Edit) (May 7, 2006)
- Um, story codes help find stories. There really wasn't any question of what was going to happen to the girl, sorry if you thought that you had made that hidden until the end. How is someone to find your story if you just label it F/f? Just randomly wandering around the site, I suppose? Only reason I saw it was because I was looking at the new stories added. By the way, glad you liked your on story. I've found that sometimes some of the best writers dislike their own work, and even go so far as to try to pretend that they had nothing to do with the creation of a particular work. Good thing you really liked your own story, can be quite annoying otherwise.
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| Reviewer:
BigCat76
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 6, 2006 |
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Title of rating speaks for itself "Good. Was worth reading." Thanks.
Plot: Structure of story was sound, and I personally liked the presentation of seeing the lead up through video tape playback instead of many pages of story leading up to the caged girl being removed from cage.
Visual descriptions: acceptable, though could be improved.
The characters were as defined as needed for the story (some assumptions made), though exact nature of older woman slightly left too much to imagination.
Needed a warning - please add code: see other comments, I'm not yet up to the standards of recommending codes. Snuff obviously. extreme (killing), incest, f-self for the self-bond action on video tape? story to short for heavy coding, but slavery would also work, as she was their slave for a time (mostly unseen, and/or implied) (7/10)
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- Replied by:
ThisGirl
(Edit) (May 6, 2006)
- BigCat and the other reviewers are right: you MUST add the correct codes to your story. The content of incest and snuff are things I absolutely do not want to read, no matter the writing quality (which was not bad, as far as I got). I am not offended in that I would judge you or readers of it, but I do not want to read it, and as the first reviewer said, it is NOT fair to the audience not to give warning. PLEASE put the correct codes on this and any other stories you write, whatever the content is. People have the right to be prepared for what they're about to read, and have the right to make the choice whether to read it or not.
Thank you.
- Replied by:
dylan
(Edit) (May 7, 2006)
- What makes for a sound structure and how does this story's structure particularily accomplish soundness? How would you describe the structure? An evening happened. There was a slice of time and this story was it. There was no construction of any things separate. So there was no structure thereof.
And you "personally" liked the presentation of the video? As opposed to impersonally? You just like to sporadically note the arbitrariness of an emotional response? How does the rest of your critique transcend the personal?
The visual descriptions. Explain "acceptable." Didn't you "personally" find them just acceptable, or did you find some magical way of jerking in synch with the universal knee? Acceptable to what? Where is needed improvement suggested? Why do you even bother to acknowledge the "visual descriptions" if you are only going to do it with five words totally meaningless without any explication? I am paranoid and egotistical and immature but I suspect your review of the "visual descriptions" is about as thought as my farts.
Where do the knowing go to find out how much character definition is needed for what kind of story? What kind of story is this and how much character definition is required for that kind of story? What is the kind of story you are implying that requires more character definition and what is your point juxtaposing this kind of story with it? Where do I go to find the holy table of various story types and their proper modes of character definition? Isn't the idea of deliberate ambiguity just unthinkable?
Why is your review so involved? If it was just good, worth reading how did it motivate all of the above spewing? Your nine and ten star reviews are 4, 5 and 7 words long.
I think you are full of shit.
- Replied by:
BigCat76
(Edit) (May 7, 2006)
- Just started writing reviews, didn't see point in writing lengthy review for high rated stories that already had good reviews written that said what I wanted to say (one might not, I'll have to go back and check).
Dylan - I noted that I liked your story and even put it on my bookshelf so I'd remember in the future to look for your stories. Notice the
ratings, I was using the phrase that goes with each rating to tell me which rating to chose. Heck, a 5 rating says that the story is ok, has promise etc. 5 out of ten doesn't meen the same here as in school.
Sound structure: Everything fit, nothing out of place, no odd jumps or anything done or said that screwed up the flow/structure of the story.
No construction of anything separate? And the video was taken that night, even though there was the point of noting the aging people? The use of the video itself was part of the structure that I refer to, and even without it every story has a structure, even if it is someone describing the first five minutes of their trip to the market. There's a beginning middle and end for that five mintues, sure likely to be not particularly deep, or could be very deep even though 5 minutes of a slice of life.
Personally: Um, what's wrong with noting that I personally liked it? Ok, I impersonally liked the use of the video, if that will make you feel better.
Visual description: thanks, yes I did personally find it acceptable. Not sure how I can find it impersonally acceptable, but will if it makes you feel better.
Acceptable to what: my own tastes, sorry should I have used the word personally? The description of the events and action were almost perfect for the story, therefore acceptable to me personally.
Need for improvement? Well, other than knowing the other characters exist, I don't really know anything about them personally other than age, or aging.
Character definition: I know almost nothing about any of the characters (something of the sisters, nothing of anyone else) and the little I do know is good enough for this story. Create a sequel and this level of character definition might start to be annoyingly shallow. Stories that need more character definition: Any story needs a certain amount of characterization of the characters, something to tell that the characters are more than words on the paper, this story had the right amount of characterization to grasp what is occuring, and not so shallow as to create disconnection with the story and not so deep as to become mind-numbingly boring. Characterization depends on the story.
"Isn't the idea of deliberate ambiguity just unthinkable?" - did not understand this question, sorry. And I don't know if there is any table anywhere to help you know how much characterization/definition is needed for a particular story. Sorry can't help you there.
"Why is your review so involved?": See beginning: Just started writing reviews. Wrote most of the nine and ten word reviews before I saw the FAQ about writing reviews, which suggested being more detailed, so I decided to be more detailed. Also note that 7 is a good rating (downgraded 1 point because of lack of correct story codes).
"I think you are full of shit." Eh? And why is that? Person likes your story and takes the time to note that fact and you call them full of shit? Hate to see what you say to those that dislike your story.
Anyway: Keep up the good work and I do look forward to your next story.
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| Reviewer:
seamusduggery
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 6, 2006 |
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This story was very well written. Could use some codes. Good luck. (6/10)
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| Reviewer:
La Toya
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 5, 2006 |
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you need to make sure you have the codes for snuff next time. (6/10)
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| Reviewer:
chksng19
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 5, 2006 |
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Wow. This is an unusual story indeed. Well done and primarily clear; a few words misused but minor to the progression of thw tale.
You need to define more descriptors to let readers know. Such as "extreme", "torture", and "snuff". Be fair to your audience. (6/10)
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- Replied by:
dylan
(Edit) (May 7, 2006)
- What words were misused? Find the words that were misused. None of the words were misused. "entire futility" should have been "entirety of the futility." the former is awkward. okay. what else? nothing else. other than what words i supposedly misused, what is lacking in clarity?
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