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Innocent Girl Kept Against Her Will
Author: THE Traveller
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(Added on May 31, 2005)
(This month 11183 readers) (Total 28445 readers) |
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It's Mr. Loomis' birthday. His wife couldn't go out to buy him a present. But the perfect gift lands on her lap. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 2 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (4/10) |
Average
Rating:  (3.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (6/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (1/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Dododecapod
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 3, 2005 |
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Ugh.
Bland. Predictable. And just not that interesting.
"Capture the girl in distress" has a long and honorable history in BDSM literature, it has been done well, and badly, and this is the latter. You've spent two pages describing events that could have been well dealt with in half that.
Wait, I said "describing". There weren't any descriptions! What did anyone look like? How old were the couple?
Your vocabulary is between pedestrian and sub-normal. I would rate the style and complexity of your writing at roughly a grade five level.
Do you know the difference between second and third person perspectives? If so, why did you continually shift between them?
Finally, your spelling is simply poor. Invest in a spellchecker. (1/10)
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- Replied by:
THE Traveller
(Edit) (Jun 3, 2005)
- Dododecapod, you're right that it could've been dealt within a page ( actually I believe it can be written in two good paragraphs ). However I just like that certain scene in "BDSM/ Abduction Erotica" Literature. So I just wrote about it in two pages. To me, that's what this story's about: that short moment.
Being a television writer, I'm used to a certain style regarding writing/ complexity etc. ( script writing is much different than writing short stories ). So that type of writing might not transfer very well to other mediums. Because it's much more simple. I guess I just kept the script writing appoach in that sense.
Yup, I'm aware of the differences between second and third person narration/ perspective. I just felt this shift made it easier for me to write it the way I want it.
And for the spelling; originally I wrote this story for another board. And I do have an accurate spell checker but at the time I had a problem with my Powerbook. The copy paste function wasn't working. So I had to write it in one sitting inside that small box. So I wasn't able to proof read or spell check since I wasn't able to write on Word. And later I just pasted that version from that board.
- Replied by:
Dododecapod
(Edit) (Jun 4, 2005)
- Very well. I accept your explanation. My suggestions on improvement:
Do not shift between perspectives. EVER. it leaves the reader floundering and seems amateurish.
If you can't proofread it and spell check it, don't post it. Wait until you can do both odf the above. Oh, and spellcheck manually as well as with the computer software; the software will miss things that you won't.
EXPAND YOUR VOCABULARY. Try not to use the same descriptor twice in a page. Never use the same word (save only the small stuff, "and","of" etc.) twice in a sentence, and as rarely as possible in a paragraph.
Descriptions add immediacy and vibrancy to a scene. You don't have to go overboard; terse is nice. But you need some.
Finally, try to do something new with a "stock scene" where you can. If someone has read the same scene dozens of times in other works, do something to make it your own.
Good luck.
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| Reviewer:
Breannefun
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 1, 2005 |
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This story has a lot of promise. First of all the descriptions were pretty good. The plot started out fine, but I'm afraid it fizzled near the end. This would have been great if it was subtitled Chapter One, or at least ended with "To be continued." Nothing really happened, did it? You set the stage, introduced characters, even created a believable plot outline...then didn't take it anywhere. Please tell me you plan on writing the real story? (6/10)
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- Replied by:
THE Traveller
(Edit) (Jun 1, 2005)
- Breannefun, glad you liked the descriptions and enjoyed the beginning of the story.
You're right in what you say. But I was trying to do what Salinger does in his short stories, which is to end the story at an awkward point. So I was just trying my hand to do that kind of a story.
Thanks for the review.
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