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Volition
Author: johnny payne
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(Added on Dec 14, 2004)
(This month 44961 readers) (Total 89566 readers) |
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Steroid juiced husband inflicts his sadistic depravities upon his sexy older wife and "Lolita" daughter. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 9 |
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| 1 |
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| 11% |
0% |
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33% |
11% |
11% |
11% |
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0% |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (5.5/10) |
| Average
Rating: (5.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (9/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (1/10) |
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| Reviewer:
jip
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Feb 8, 2006 |
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Not too bad as story, but could be improved in writing and in being more subtile (4/10)
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| Reviewer:
LordVetinari
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 23, 2005 |
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Interesting story. Don't quite get the whole steroid angle, but good if you like torture stories. (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
mkemse
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Apr 29, 2005 |
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was ok, is your pen name indicative of your story theme's?? (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
lex ludite
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 3, 2005 |
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There is plenty of heat and lots of energy expended to date, but the story lacks discipline. The vocabulary is florid in places, and the characters lack any depth. I disagree with those who recommend you get an editor. All you need is to go back and carefully read what you have written when you are calm and your blood isn't up. You'd be amazed how much improvement you can make in your work if this is done. Personally I think you have talent and if you keep writing and learn from your mistakes you will produce plenty of good stuff for those of us into ultra violence and over the top sex. My rating does not slavishy follow the review by the numbers protocol. (6/10)
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| Reviewer:
chksng19
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 26, 2004 |
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Breannefun got here first, so I won't elaborate on the many problems with the writing. An editor would do wonders.
This was a difficult read, and sadly, gets a grade to match.
Congratulations. Chapter 3 is head and shoulders better as far as readability. And you have included more description.
**Now you need to split the difference.**
"Labia lips" is redundant. Labia MEANS lips. Almost every other body part description you give is overkill. Use the proper name or use the common term, not both: Vulva-cunt is silly.
Also, if you look real close at those nice nude pictures of girls in your magazines, you'll notice the woman's sexual parts (on real blonds, that is) are pink. Flesh color. Not brown.
As previously suggested, get an editor.
Your score is going up in response to your improvements in chapter 3 (4/10)
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| Reviewer:
Curtis
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 23, 2004 |
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No one has mentioned the misspellings yet, some of which a spell check program should have caught. I do have to disagree with Breannefun about the blowjob, though. It was specified as a deep-throating, and she was in the ideal position for that. (5/10)
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| Reviewer:
klb
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 18, 2004 |
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Good story, but would be better with more elaboration and detail. (9/10)
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| Reviewer:
Breannefun
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 16, 2004 |
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Okay Mr. Payne, first of all, your plot is fine. Terribly overused by countless authors, but fine nonetheless. You started out okay, but you need to add descriptions...think Who, What, Where, and Why? Next, please don't change tenses right in the middle of the story. You started out in past tense, then moved to present. Good authors rarely write in present tense, because it's difficult to make it work correctly. Last but not least, do some research. It is VERY difficult to give a decent blowjob lying on your back, essentially upside down, with metal tooth alligator clamps on your nipples. The mother in the story would spend a long time on the bed, unless of course the perp was really getting off on being a sadist. Oh well...never mind that then. Good luck. Find an editor. (4/10)
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