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Male Concubine
Author: Unknown
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(Added on Jul 9, 2003)
(This month 68940 readers) (Total 88144 readers) |
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In a future where men were reduced to sex slavery and kept in special detenton area. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 5 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (4.5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (4/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (5/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (3/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Ranai
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Sep 1, 2005 |
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Amusing. Acceptable storytelling technique. Though cramping ALL that background description into dialogue overdoes it and exceeds believability. And what does Bill do when he is not serving as a concubine? Apparently he is detained somewhere-or-other, but can receive private emails. Incidentally, why would anyone send an email to her prospective private property? Also, why on earth has Beverly never before experienced cunnilingus?
The main weakness of the story is its lack of internal plausibility. Are there no repercussions to be feared if Bill's client is dissatisfied with his behaviour? Or is he, like a prostitute, putting on a carefree show? 'She wanted to excite Bill so he would want to please her like last weekend' – well that's a nice thought to be sure, but does he not HAVE to please her, regardless of what he wants? The interaction between the two does not reflect the factual power difference. Supposedly, this is a nonconsensual context. Their action and dialogue seems like a DS game between friends, with a fair amount of silliness thrown in. Silliness is great; but in this unequal situation? The complete lack of consistency, for me, unfortunately killed any eroticism. I think, with a male concubine whose attitude is respectful and whose emotional state is adequately scared, or alternatively with a context of two casual friends consensually fooling around with a chastity belt, the story may have turned me on.
Please try to match narrative context and erotic action in a believable way.
I agree with the others that it would be good to ask for editing and proofreading help – maybe post a request in the BDSM Library forums? An editor, for example, could help with stylistic matters, such as replacing most of the numbers with words: 'all ten men' instead of 'all 10 men'. 'Blonde' instead of 'blond' if the character is a woman. More paragraphs. Things like that. Writing is a learning process, and asking around helps. (5/10)
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| Reviewer:
D. Atrocity
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jul 27, 2004 |
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Not a bad concept at all. I like the ideas you presented, but all in all the story needs and editor to help weed out mistakes. (3/10)
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| Reviewer:
mkemse
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 2, 2004 |
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i have yet to read anything of good quality from you, who ever you are (4/10)
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| Reviewer:
trainmanretep
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jul 28, 2003 |
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Abit long on the preliminary. I t would have been more interesting to find out what those ladies have in store for the guy. (4/10)
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| Reviewer:
Moggy
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jul 10, 2003 |
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Perhaps a few points for the concept (even if not entirely original), but the story is rather untidy.
Lovers of male CB's may find something worthwhile in it. (4/10)
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About 