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Daphne
Author: Paul Glanville
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(Added on Jan 3, 2016)
(This month 84228 readers) (Total 84228 readers) |
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| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 10 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (8.5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (9/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (10/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (8/10) |
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| Reviewer:
MinutemanZ
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 21, 2016 |
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Very well written. The language was clean and concise. It had just enough setup to make the characters more than just 1-dimensional figures, but got to the interesting bits quick enough to keep me interested and eager to find its continuation. (9/10)
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- Replied by:
gkp00co
(Edit) (Jan 22, 2016)
- Thanks.
The rest of Daphne is on Write On, Amazon's site for readers and writers; it's adult content, so you'll need to log-in.
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| Reviewer:
Michelle Byssom
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 13, 2016 |
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The flow of the story is super and the language used is clean and direct. It gets into the action very quickly and keeps the pace up with vigour. Not a dull moment! I specially loved the whipping of Bunny. Extremely well described. I could have been there :)
Wonderful stage management: "We hit her when she was already down..." And the last paragraph is pure magic.
The following points are little niggles that interrupt an otherwise smooth flow - because they make the reader think and back-track. I hope you can accept them in the constructive spirit in which they are offered as a tribute to the quality of your work.
1. At the start one isn't sure of whether the narrator is male or female. You should establish that (as indirectly as possible) within the first sentence so the reader can follow you.
2. The distinction between 'attendees', 'regulars' and 'guests' is not clear: it looks as if only 'regulars' get to demonstrate the goodies on the models? If the narrator's role is just a 'job' does this mean he gets paid for it?
3. The narrator has 'his' tools: but are these Leo's products that he is demonstrating? It looks as if they are his own personal property, so how does that tie in with Leo's stock demonstration?
4. There are all sorts of hoods, and perhaps it would be a good idea to give a small description of the sort of hood the girls wear. I only gathered later on in the narrative that the hoods have slits for the eyes; for some reason, I'd assumed automatically that it was a complete hood that had no vision. Later the narrator can see Bunny grin. A little more detail required here - nothing deep - just to work in a mention in the narrative.
5. Bunny gets off her pad in the corner of the platform: so are we to assume that all the girls are on their pads on the platform when the guys arrive? Then Leo has to drag her away so they can set up... and so when does Bunny actually make it to the scaffold for her turn?
6. It would help to know that the 'Tickler' is a whip - I know you mentioned whips before but somehow I got the wrong end of the stick and thought it was a dildo :( And if it's against the rules, why did he bring it with him, given he's so reluctant to really hurt women? He knows what it can do to a man... is he gay and uses the Tickler on other men?
7. I thought the initial confrontation with Bunny was before anything was set up, and the absence of Leo and Terri suggested to me that nobody in the audience was yet there. The mention of the 'audience' comes as a bit of a surprise then. The narrator's buddy suddenly materialises with a whip as well. How does THAT enter the narrative? Does the narrator have TWO of them, does the buddy have a spare in his bag?
To repeat: great work, I look forward to reading more of this.
Michelle.
(9/10)
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- Replied by:
gkp00co
(Edit) (Jan 16, 2016)
- First, thanks. I appreciate your comments.
Second, keeping in mind that this is not a complete, self-contained story, most of your 'little niggles' are addressed in the main tale, which can be found at Write On, Amazon's writer community.
I don't want to say too much. 'Cecil' admits to being a mercenary; he's an equal opportunity whip artist. His sexual preferences don't matter, although that's settled in the main tale.
Jerry (AKA: Harvey) is introduced at the very top as his partner; he is the other half of the "we" that 'Cecil' keeps referring to; he doesn't 'materialize' -- he was always there.
Once again, thanks, and feel free to contact me directly!
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| Reviewer:
Templer2187
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 13, 2016 |
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Well written; and an incisive exploration into the mind of a reluctant Dom. I like the concept of the Dom coming to understand the mind of a willing submissive. This in turn drawing both him and the reader into the narrative. The submissive herself is not without hidden depths it seems. These characters are engaging and truley three dimensional. This prelude offers outstanding groundwork for the larger piece.
Excellent work, many thanks. (9/10)
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- Replied by:
gkp00co
(Edit) (Jan 14, 2016)
- Thanks.
I wasn't thinking in terms of Doms and subs when I wrote this and upon reflection I'm not so sure that Dom and sub labels are so easily applied in this case: Is the guy a Dom just because he's the one holding the whip? Is the girl the sub just because she's naked and gets whipped? Who's the one giving all the orders and getting people to do things they don't want to do -- and taunting them when they don't do what she wants? Who's really running this show -- Cecil or the Bunny?
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| Reviewer:
wttozer
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 11, 2016 |
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I enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of the story. It starts to explain the different roles in a D/s relationship, both the need for pain and the dispensing of pain, in a responsible fashion. (8/10)
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- Replied by:
gkp00co
(Edit) (Jan 14, 2016)
- Thanks.
The whole story of Daphne, all 88600 words of it, can be found at Write On, Amazon's community for readers and writers.
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| Reviewer:
greatbossman
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 9, 2016 |
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This is a taster to the main story. I've rated this as 8/10 but the main story on amazon write on is worthy of 9.5/10 (8/10)
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- Replied by:
gkp00co
(Edit) (Jan 9, 2016)
- ...and yet you didn't 'like' a single chapter nor the whole story at Write On, nor write any comments there...
Otherwise, Thanks!
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| Reviewer:
GXhong
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 9, 2016 |
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well written with no or few mistakes as i can see
story: nicely done with the merc that doesnt want to hurt women weaker than him ;) (9/10)
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- Replied by:
gkp00co
(Edit) (Jan 9, 2016)
- Thanks!
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| Reviewer:
Beastie
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 9, 2016 |
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Itīs more thought out than most other stories and set to be a long, detailed story.
'anīt wait to read more! (9/10)
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- Replied by:
gkp00co
(Edit) (Jan 9, 2016)
- Thanks!
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| Reviewer:
scarab
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 8, 2016 |
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This story spins the natural protectiveness of dominant for his submissive into a surprisingly romantic tale of a woman whipped bloody for her own benefit and the enjoyment of a crowd. (8/10)
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- Replied by:
gkp00co
(Edit) (Jan 9, 2016)
- Thanks!
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| Reviewer:
Tavy
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 4, 2016 |
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Although I didn't think the start very promising I'm glad I persisted as it turned out to be quite an enjoyable tale. (8/10)
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- Replied by:
gkp00co
(Edit) (Jan 9, 2016)
- Thanks!
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