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Sub with a twist
Author: intrepidangel
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(Added on Sep 30, 2012)
(This month 58098 readers) (Total 74876 readers) |
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A slave tries to leave her Master, only to be captured and punished in dark, cruel ways by him. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 1 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (4.5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (4/10) |
| Highest
Rating: (4/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (4/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 14, 2012 |
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Why did the author bother?
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I almost don't want to bother writing out a review for this story, but since I take it to be a respectful thing to do, and since I noticed that no one else had bothered, I thought it necessary to explain a few basic concepts to the author.
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First of all, please finish the story. There are two ways to present your work to the audience. One, the best way, is to completely write a story with characters, plot arc, tension, and hopefully quality. The second way is to create what is called a serial story, where you dish out your tale in an episodic fashion. This second method is the absolute most difficult to do correctly, since every chapter must not only promote the overall plot of the story, but must, in and of itself have a subplot, tension, and worse - cliffhanger, all to make the reader come back. In the case of "Sub With a Twist," which sounds like a bad cocktail, we are subjected to a disturbingly short narrative that clearly is intended to be part of a serial, but does not establish much of a plot, barely introduces the main characters, and moves so fast into the action that your head spins. My advice? Take your time. Let the audience get to know your protagonist! Give her a real name instead of "slave", which I doubt is what is on the driver's license. Would she even call herself that, especially after leaving "Master" earlier that day? It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I recommend writing the whole story. It will make for more entertaining reading.
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The next issue with "Sub With A Twist" is the technical aspect. Sentences don't begin with capitalization, there are weird punctuation marks throughout the work, and very little description beyond action. It made the story very shallow. Every verb needs an adjective. Every action needs a setting, a sense, a feeling. Sub With A Twist lacked it all.
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In summary, a better rating might come from having posted an actual story, instead of just the first two pages of one. Please? Don't tease us.
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Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander
(www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (4/10)
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