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Mia's College Job
Author: Melissa
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(Added on Sep 29, 2012)
(This month 72643 readers) (Total 117115 readers) |
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Mia is a young girl about to begin college. With a slightly kinky side to her, she endeavors to earn her keep with a dominant couple. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 4 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (6/10) |
| Average
Rating: (6/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (9/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (2/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 13, 2012 |
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Frustrated.
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There are times when I want to find the author of a particular piece, sit down with them and then ask "why? Why did you do this?" Unfortunately this is one of those times. In Mia's College Job, we are presented with a confusing, yet intriguing tale of Mia, a young college co-ed who is applying for a job - that of sex slave, in order to handle room and board while going to a whopping two classes at the local community college. Or at least, I assume it's community college. I doubt she could afford a real university. But let's not go there. Where we do need to go are the three issues involved with this story.
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The first issue we need to touch upon is the writing itself. The author, Melissa, gives us a very questionable beginning. She changes both tense and viewpoint and even more diabolical, narrative modes. All in the space of maybe a page and a half. I understand what the author was trying to do, which is provide differing perspectives, but she failed to IDENTIFY the speaker and only through concerted effort and some dumb luck was I able to figure out who the hell was describing what was going on. Things did settle down a little as the story progressed, but it took a while and we still suffered discrepancies between then and now. Please, please, please figure out the difference between past and present tense! There are errors all over the place and the sentence structure is absurdly simple. Descriptions are barely present, especially of scenes and settings, and the balance between dialog, action, and description is lopsided.
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Which brings us to the second issue - plot. Here I'm kind of torn. I hate saying this, but I kind of liked the whole concept. Mia (the main character) was simplistically innocent and yet willing, I liked the mystery behind the doms, and then there was the butler, Mr. Muscles. Whoa... talk about some setup! But in this very brief glimpse into Mia's World, there is very little tension, sexual or otherwise and it doesn't go anywhere fast. Which leads us right to my third issue.
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Serial story. Yes. I suspected it when I saw the tale was only 13k and yet had enough codes to cover four hours at Kink.com. I hate serials with a passion because you never know when the next section is coming out. And worse, if you're like me, you read so much so often that chances are you'll forget the first part anyway. I encourage authors to write the whole damn story, edit it properly, and then post it. It will make things so much better.
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In summary, there is a glimmer of quality here, but you have to choke down an awful lot to geet not very much.
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Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander
(www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (5/10)
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| Reviewer:
tom pekich
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 13, 2012 |
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An interesting beginning. Where will it go from here? I can HARDly wait to continue. (9/10)
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| Reviewer:
7117andr
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 5, 2012 |
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You can write. just make the viewpoint from one person or an omniscient narrator. your writing and originality are excellent. (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
senorlongo
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 4, 2012 |
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This could have been an excellent story but for the writing. An author cannot change persons in the text; it's just too confusing. You used the term "I" indicating first person for both Mia and Laurie, sometimes in consecutive sentences. I'm sure that you knew what was happening, but as a reader I found it extremely confusing. I suggest that if you write again make the leading character in first person. For everyone else precede any speech with "She said," or "my new mistress said." This will make the text easier to read. Also when a new person speaks you should start a new paragraph. That also makes the text easier to read and understand. (2/10)
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