BACK TO JON AND TRACI'S
It was at the crystalline moment when I walked back up to Jon and Traci's door
that I realized the most perfect peace that I had ever known. Contented and
serene. I knew that I was filling a place in the world that only I could fill.
I was intoxicated by the way my life was being lived. Lucky to not have to hide
myself all the time. Feeling safe and loved and, God help me, appropriate here.
I turned my head to watch Adam next to me, and felt devotion for him. Something
that I had never known before. Simple human feelings, born of pain, and filled
with hope.
I had screwed up my courage and dialed a phone, and found joy. I might not have
it forever, but I had it now.
Now, was all that mattered. I reached out for Adam's hand, letting his fingers
capture my soul. I knew that I had come home.
I had finally realized one thing more. I was different, not deviant. I was
more normal than most of the people around me, and I was lucky. Lucky to find a
safe haven for my desires. I couldn't go home again, or backwards, but in the
whispered fantasies, and dark corners of my imagination. A little bit of light
had started to shine.
One day I would totally accept my own sexuality, until then I would enjoy
myself, and this life as best I could. Using my limitations as boundaries that
I had to fight against. I had found the humanity within myself, and could
project it unto others. I saw everyone as equal.
I smiled at Adam, slowly. For I suddenly understood what I had been looking for
in all the seedy bars, and dangerous encounters. I had been looking for myself,
and the ability to accept myself. To see that I was a decent person, no matter
what kind of sex I got off on. I wasn't alone. I could now draw a deep breath
again. I felt better about my life. Great about it, in fact.
If one lost dreamer can learn to love him or herself, without condition or
judgment. What more are we capable of? What more can I dream? What can I
accomplish?
I may never know, but I bet I'll have a good time trying to find out.
<<<<<>>>>>
S.R. Andrus
10/4/98
91928 words
DARK EDEN
