COFFEE KLATCH
I had showered again. Feeling a little revitalized by the mundane activity. I
was now very hungry for food and I was surprised that the next place she took me
to was a small kitchen. A simple supper awaiting me of salad and a sandwich. I
was beyond grateful for this courtesy. She must have realized that I had come
immediately from work without having time to eat.
"Traci, thank you so much. I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to
concentrate on the next ordeal without some food. My stomach growling at the
wrong moment would ruin the mood." She laughed at the relief in my tone. The
quips falling easily from my tongue.
"How did you know that you could speak in here?" I shrugged and dug in.
Speaking softly through the food.
"It just seemed logical. The bathrooms are clear, except for the bath chamber
and you did not make me kneel or eat from a dish on the floor, so I figured we
were in a cool room." She nodded at my logic. Sitting next to me.
"Jon's pretty impressed by you." I grinned impishly. Chewing carefully. "He's
half in love with your diary. Almost couldn't put it down." She smiled, asking
another question that had me blushing softly. "You liked being a man in my
bed?" I told her about High School and slipping into the `role.' "Is that how
you do everything? By slipping into a role?" She appeared truly interested, so
I told her the truth.
"I try to put myself into a place were I can feel, but not become emotionally
involved." I ate a piece of buttered bread with obvious enjoyment. "Emotion is
an almost useless endeavor as far as I can see. When you allow that part of
your spirit to rule your life it just seems to clutter up everything. I don't
like disarray, so I avoid it." She appeared surprised by my answer, so I
elaborated. "I slept with one of my friends one time. It was wonderful and we
enjoyed it immensely. It was so much better than with a lover, because we both
needed it and wanted it to be good because we would be seeing each other
afterwards. I was able to keep my perspective, but he couldn't. He changed and
I didn't appreciate it. He lost sight of what was truly important." She cocked
her head.
"What was important?" Traci was curious about what I would say. The interest
shining in her eyes.
"The physical was important, not the emotional flotsam that guides almost
everyone in the world. I was into the release. He wanted the depth. We were
all but diametrically opposed on ever opinion that we had."
"How do you feel about Love?" How was I to answer, she obviously loved Jon, but
who in this world did I love? Was there anybody? Janie? Mary? My closest
friends? I `loved' Adam, for his cruelty and his beauty. Was that really love?
I shrugged again.
"I don't have any. In the last five years, since my divorce. I have loved no
one. I was afraid to end up in another abusive relationship, so I avoided
lovers."
"Your husband beat you?" I nodded grinning, knowing what she was going to say.
"Why do you do this? How can you stand it?" She stiffened in misunderstanding.
"How can you stand us?"
"Blue." She looked surprised. "That's it, right there. I read this book one
time that talked about the differences between literal and ritualized violence.
I like to be subjected to pain. I get off on it, but when I tell a lover that I
want it. They make me feel like a freak, or some kind of deviant. In the
`normal' world. I have to marry someone that beats me bloody to get what I can
get here safely. The service you do here is vital. This is the difference
between rape and making discordant music between two consenting adults. A
rapist doesn't get you off, he treats you like a toilet." She almost smiled at
the analogy.
"Don't you miss emotion?" I almost shuddered in distaste. Why would I want to
feel someone hurting me, or making me do the dishes, or making me feel like an
idiot? It just made me sad.
"The last real emotion that I felt was anger and that was just before I broke my
ex-husbands nose and told him to get out. I'm encased in ice and I'm almost
afraid of what would happen if I thawed. I like you. I liked watching you
orgasm under me. I enjoy sucking cock and screwing. I enjoyed making love with
Jon and having him hold me, but that was a rare occurrence. I don't know why I
suddenly couldn't stand the aloneness any more. Why I had to reach out for
something more than the sterile little world I lived in, but I had too. I did
it and I agreed to three months. I'm a very cold, clinical woman. It's what
makes me a success in the world of business, but it's also what makes me such a
miserable failure as a human being." She shook her head sadly. "Don't be sad.
I'm basically a good person. I have some people in my life that I do care for.
All women and I think I'm a good friend. I'm dependable, loyal. I can keep a
secret. I'm good to my family. I read voraciously. I'm quick on my feet and I
spend a lot of my time laughing." I finished up, wiping my hands on the napkin
set out for me. "I just wanted more and came here to look for it." I drank the
water provided for me in quick gulps. I followed her lead when she stood back
up. Going down the hallway behind her.
