10 Years ago...
Nobody ever just falls into the life. It is a long torturous process that for
some of us covers many years. It is an enigmatic tour through the dark recesses
of your own mind. A journey not for the timid or shy. I have always believed
that these cryptic images were always inside me. I just suppressed or hid them.
Like most of us. It did start about ten years ago. I was an innocent. Weren't
we all once?
I was back from Karate class. Bag slung over my shoulder, sweaty, hot, hair
plastered to my forehead. I walked into the small house that I shared with my
boyfriend Rob. He was waiting for me. My riding crop tapping restlessly
against his knee. I dropped my things and put my hands behind my neck. Falling
gracefully to my knees, careful to keep them apart. Eyes away from his face and
trained to his belt. My face was burning with embarrassment.
"Come here." He cooed. I crawled the distance necessary to place myself at his
feet. The thick cream wool carpeting was harsh on my knees. I looked straight
ahead at the dark tweed pants that I had bought him for his birthday. Cut full
in the crotch to accentuate how gifted he was there. It was tempting to raise
my eyes but I didn't want to see the slow smile of triumph my breaking of the
rules would bring over his handsome face. I tried to empty my mind of
anticipation. [What would he want of me this time?] Any number of menial
humiliating tasks awaited me. Things I would have to do on my knees without
complaint. He addressed me again. His voice had changed, becoming huskier,
more breathless.
"Open my pants." I did it, undoing the zipper with my teeth. "Make me hard
with your lips only." I freed him and took him into my mouth. Smelling musky
salt. A unique aroma that was all his own. My hands snaked around his thighs
to his buttocks. I kneaded them softly, as I balanced my own movements.
Swallowing him down until air no longer moved into my lungs. He wasn't
enormous, by any means, but easily on the high side of normal length. It was
that Rob dripped sex. Every look, glance, touch was an assessment of someone
else's erotic potential, mostly mine. Suddenly, he backed up. His hands gently
forcing my mouth away. "Go into the bedroom, remove your clothes, lie face down
on the bed. Wait for me." I went as quickly as I could. My hands trembling on
my clothes, until finally I was nude. I lay face down on the waterbed.
Feeling the cool percale sheets rubbing against my breasts, hardening the tips.
Making me shiver as I spread myself like a starfish. Arms reaching, legs spread.
My face lying to the right. Eyes closed, as always when there was any chance of
seeing him while we played. It wasn't that we never had vanilla sex. At one
point, that was all we had. Until we got engaged. Suddenly that diamond ring
became a band of iron. Every orifice I owned was his to play with. Yet so
slowly did he introduce these delicacies that I hardly noticed. One day he was
holding me down to make love to me. The next, it seemed, he was breaking a
riding crop on my virgin buttocks and taking me that way. No one ever knew
except an uncle who brushed against me inadvertently and felt the garters that
Rob made me wear without underwear. My uncle started to make a joke of it, but
my furious blush made him back away quickly in confusion. The family could
never know. I insisted upon that. They still don't and if they do. Well, they
don't say anything. Rob came in. I could hear him. He secured my wrists,
but left my ankles loose, so I could bend my knees. Just how he liked me,
easily accessible.
"Open your eyes!" He commanded and I obeyed. I looked into his dark eyes,
noting again the intelligence there. Not truly handsome, his features were
arresting. His hair cut almost military short. His smile endearingly crooked.
When we were in High School together, I thought he was sweet. "Did you enjoy
your class?" He asked carefully.
"Yes, Rob." His hands moved to my spine. His long supple fingers wandering to
the cleft between my buttocks, which tightened involuntarily.
"I bought something new today." He walked away from me then. I heard the water
in the bathroom running and knew that he was washing whatever it was that he had
bought before using it on me. He kept the new toy behind his back and opened
the drawer for the lube. He sat between my legs, Indian style, and ordered.
"Bend your knees for me." I complied, feeling my buttocks separating to give
him access.
Rob really knew Greek. It had to be one of his favorite things to do. Not once
during our two-year affair did he ever damage me back there. I never bled, not
even the first time he took me that way. A thorough douching softening me,
weakening my resolve, my fear.
I felt his fingers, wet with lube, opening me. That was one of the few lasting
gifts that Rob gave me. The gift of orgasm that originates somewhere other than
my clitoris. I tried to relax as I felt that first finger, become two, then
three. Rob taking his time, never in a hurry when he had his favorite orifice
before him. I felt four fingers slide in and involuntarily clenched against
him. I had never had four fingers in my ass at one time.
"Relax, Anne. You're resisting me and I don't much like it." I felt him work
the ring of my anus slowly until I relaxed working lube in much deeper than he
had ever done before. "Breath slowly and evenly. You're going to love this."
I felt the tip of the `toy' pushing between two of his fingers. It felt
slippery slick with K-Y, and I pushed out hard. Feeling his warm human flesh
replaced with firm unyielding rubber. The pressure built to a pleasurable
plateau and went beyond into aching unrelenting strain for my body to accept
this impossibly wide dildo. I groaned, trying to close my lips against the
sound. "Come on, push out. It's not much bigger than I am around." He kept
pushing, forcing my anus to stretch around the thing painfully. I felt tears in
my eyes.
It seemed to go in forever. Past any point of comfort, causing a cramping in my
stomach much worse than anything menstrual. I bore down to expel it, get it out
of me and felt Rob push it home. The base slightly smaller so it wouldn't slip
out. He sighed with satisfaction. Nestling the base carefully between my butt
cheeks and laying my legs flat with a jerk. I lay immobile, impaled by pain.
He stroked my back and I felt the electric tingle of his touch along my entire
body, arousing me in spite of the burning dilation behind me.
"Hurt?" I nodded, not trusting my voice. "I'm going to take my crop to your
sweet ass. Then pull that toy from you and give you something warm to replace
it with." A quick shot of fear went through me. Fear of more pain. Knowing it
would hurt but Rob would be so hard and so good afterwards. I wanted him to whip
me. It was the least that I could do for his pleasure and, as I was
discovering, my own, as well. He stood up from the bed, making waves in the
water.
Rob hit me then so hard across the buttocks that all air left my lungs in a
surprised whoosh. I turned my face into the pillow and took it into my teeth,
gagging myself with it so he couldn't hear my pain.
This time was different for me. The phallus, the feeling. The total surrender
of my body to the punishment that I was allowing him to inflict on me. He was
hitting me harder than he had ever done before and it seemed like for longer
too. I lost all self-control. I went totally beyond thought, trying to free my
hands, but unable too. Yet, never using my voice to tell him to stop, it was
too much.
I felt the pressure, building in my arms and legs. The fire on my buttocks,
spreading its warmth all over my body. I gasped with the extent of his power
over me in that one enlightening second and surrendered to it. Trying to pull
air into starving lungs by raising my head. I tautened, bucking upwards and
pulling on the bonds. Sensation sweeping over me and through me. Churning
against the phallus impaling me and pushing me over the edge of the abyss. I
came against the bed, beyond thinking. A low animal growl tearing from my
throat as my body wrenched into heaven. Rob suddenly forcing his fingers into
my sex as the last of my orgasm clenched around his hand. His soft reassurances
breaking me open further.
I came while being beaten. I was annihilated on a spiritual level. How could I
have ever orgasm while he was beating me harder than he had ever done in the
past? Something had clicked into place inside my head. Some deeply buried
connection between Pleasure/Pain was forged inside my head and I inexplicably
started to weep. Deep quiet sobs as I realized what had been done to me with my
complete cooperation. I was changed. Eternally and profoundly different from
all the Vanilla people that I knew. I was weeping because I knew that the
possibility existed that I could never go back to the way I had been.
My arms were released and he pulled me up off the bed. Leaning me against the
dresser that had the big mirror behind it. I looked up and saw my red
tear-stained face reflecting back at me. When Rob leaned down to slide the
phallus out of me, it resisted removal. He stroked my buns and told me to push
it from deep within myself. I was bearing down against it with determined
steady effort until I felt it being drawn out of me. Leaving me empty until
Rob's cock took its place roughly. His hands holding my hips steady against his
driving jabs into my canal. Fucking me hard and fast. I was so open that it
didn't even feel unduly indelicate to me. He was stroking my wet clit at the
juncture of my sore thighs. My backside burning from the beating he had just
given me. His breath harsh, hot and animal-like against the back of my neck.
Suddenly, he drove into me hard. Pinching my clit sharply so I came as well,
to a lesser degree than before but still an orgasm.
Rob collapsed over my back, his breathing harsh. Cock still jerking slightly in
reaction to our passion. His weight against me almost collapsing me to the top
of the dresser. Gradually he came to himself and slipped his cock from my ass
with a swift pull. Patting me gently and wiping the tears from my face. I
closed my eyes and didn't move, hearing the sound of his condom hitting the
garbage can.
He took my arm and led me into the master bathroom. I was weak with exhaustion.
My muscles pulling with hurt and exertion. I let him lead me into the bathroom
and sit me on the toilet while he started the shower. He pulled me in. Washing
my hair with rough hands, nice. Using ivory soap gently between my legs,
slipping one soapy finger into my anus to get the lube out. He said something.
"What?" I asked, and then gasped as he pinched one of the marks on my butt. I
rested my arms on the tile.
"I didn't tell you to speak, precious." Oh, God, he wasn't finished yet! His
hands soaped my breast, tormenting the nipples. Taking care with every part of
my body, leaving me squeaky clean. He stepped from the shower, letting me rinse
thoroughly as he dried. When he took me from the shower he led me to the
kitchen table and made me sit on the edge. "Don't fuck with me, you know how I
want you." His voice was cold. My hands balled into fists as I lay back. He
pulled my hips to the edge as he brought a ladder-back kitchen chair up between
my spread legs to sit on. Close but not too close. I put my ankles into the
notches on the back of chair, hating every minute of this position. Coldly
reminiscent of a gynecologists office. The once a year torture that all women
go through.
Rob opens the outer labia, heedless of my humiliation and dryness. His
fingernails scraping against the delicate tissue roughly, yet deliberately. He
spread my knees wider and played with me. Tracing the parts of me gently.
Clitoris, urethra, vagina, anus. Slowly methodical. Tiny delicious pressure
against the tender parts of me.
"There are parts of you that I have never explored, Anne." I answered his
comment respectfully. "I like watching you orgasm, but only when I tell you
too." Suddenly his hands had a meaning. I felt a tear well up in my eye. I was
in trouble. He put his face against me, starting to eat me with expert flicks
of his tongue against my flesh. He kissed my crotch tenderly until the
juices started to flow again and I hungered for release. Rob stood up and slid
his fingers into the willing tunnel. "You came without my permission. You ever
come without my express permission again, and I will keep you like this for a
month. Do you understand me?"
"Yes, sir." I whispered absolutely miserable. He pulled away suddenly when my
breathing deepened and the involuntarily clenching of my sex told him that I was
really enjoying his attentions.
"Take your legs down. Go to the bedroom and wait for me on your side." I did
it. He came in and tied my arms to the headboard so I couldn't take care of my
hungry orifice myself. He lay down beside me and went to sleep.
Pretty prudent of him. I was tempted to relieve myself and would have done it
if he hadn't tied me. I'd done it before when I wasn't secured this way.
Taking some satisfaction in the fact that I was getting off in the same bed as a
man that thought he controlled that kind of thing.
This was different because I was in such torment. Pain from my buttocks
throbbing with my pulse cause a chain reaction to move straight through my sex.
I needed more attention. Craved it and along with the craving I had questions
running through my head.
How had Rob known that I would like this kind of sex? How had he known that I
wouldn't balk at the whips, chains and phalluses that he used on me? How did he
decide to introduce me to this delicacy on the menu of sexuality?
It came to me suddenly. He didn't know. He had studied me, worked at my
resistance. Figuring out how he could get what he wanted from me. My eyes
caught sight of my riding crop on the floor. He had broken it while beating me.
It's expensive leatherhead hanging from the shaft.
I almost came just from the sight of it, then closed my eyes and shivered in
fear. This is part of me now. The link had been forged between pleasure and
pain. They were inexorably connected inside my head. I would never be the same
again.
<<<<<>>>>>
That was only one night of many. Routine and ritual Role-playing and rape
scenes. Anything that Rob wanted I gave to him without question. Nothing he
asked for repulsed or sickened me. At least, not that I ever let him see. Some
of the things that he liked baffled me. Like his fascination with controlling
my bodily functions, but since he liked it I let him do it. Sex was good with
him. A head-trip as well as body. I found myself trying to please him. I was
punished enough without deliberately courting disaster.
All good things must come to an ended however. Rob and I really ended on my
23rd birthday. He asked me what I wanted and I told him. I wanted one night on
top. He was beautifully stunned by my request but he agreed. It was almost as
though he simply could not believe that such a statement had come from me.
Since he had mapped out my psyche. I could have no desire for such a thing. It
was unthinkable. Surprise. I don't know why he agreed, he was obviously
uncomfortable with the whole idea, but he did. It was a real revelation for me.
I liked it. I liked pushing limits. I liked having to pay attention to what I
was doing, not just being done too.
It wasn't a real good scene. Rob was uneasy and couldn't really surrender to
it. More importantly, Rob couldn't take it. He balked. Suddenly, I was the
one that had more self-control. Higher limits. I thought less of him for that.
From that moment on I absolutely coveted punishment. Rebellion at every turn.
I never even let him see me cry after that night. The frustration was driving
him insane because I don't think he could figure out what had happened. He just
knew that every time he tried to knuckle me under, I stiffened my spine and took
it. My seed of contempt had become a big old tree. His lack of discipline had
broken the bond between us, forever.
He broke up with me, 3 or 4 months later. I wasn't really sorry. He lacked
mettle, you know? I just figured that a chapter in my life had closed and moved
on. I'd just go back to the way I was before Rob and be okay.
I am okay but I missed something. The problem was that I couldn't find it in
the white-bread Republican world that surrounded me. I went out with a 32 year
old virgin and married an abusive SOB that couldn't figure out why I fought back
when he attempted to do real violence to me. I rapidly developed backbone. Not
something that I needed before then. It has, however, stood me in good stead.
P.D- post-divorce. I discovered that I was not the only pervert on the planet.
They actually wrote books for people like me to read. Exit to Eden by Anne
Rambling, The Story of O, The Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure. Pat Caliphia,
Laura Antoniou. The whole gamut of sexual diversity available at the local
bookstore for feverish reading at my home. Intoxicating.
It was while reading these books that I felt something that I hadn't felt in a
long time. Desire. Considering for the first time that this was why I was not
satisfied with dating Vanilla men. I was not like that anymore. I was too hot
for them. Too diverse. Too willing to explore the dark side of my sexuality.
My husband liked missionary style, period. I just assumed that the older you
got. The more boring sex became and since I did not want to be boring. I would
be alone forever. A martyr before the throne of business, neutered sexless.
The only problem was that I didn't feel neutered I felt... horny. I didn't want
a 32-year-old virgin or a wife-beater. I wanted someone like Rob, or better
yet. Someone like me. A focus for all this repressed sexual energy. I was
only 27 years old.
Luck was with me. I found Eric. A 32-year-old artist. We car-pooled to college
together. We were both older than the kids who went during the day and
gravitated together. He was intelligent and funny. Eric was good to me.
One weekend Eric's mom went away and he asked me to dinner. I got over there
and we started to laugh. Having a riot and drinking wine, discussing the movies
available for viewing. When, as though it was meant to be, we ended up on the
floor. Kissing. We were pulling pieces of our clothes off, but when I reached
for his zipper, he stopped my hand.
"I have a problem." I felt my heart sink. I figured he was impotent, or HIV,
something catastrophic. I schooled my features to neutrality and waited. "I
have a real hard time reaching orgasm. Sometimes I can't at all." He looked
embarrassed. "I want you to know that before we go any further."
"Do you get hard?" He nodded, and I responded by reaching back down for his
zipper. Let's see how much of a problem it really is. Part of me thinking that
a hard man that has a difficult time coming could be a lot of fun. I gave it a
try.
Seven hours later I was still trying. He ate me twice. I was on top, on bottom,
on all fours, on the counter, in the shower. Standing, sitting, oral, manual.
I tried every thing that I could think of to get this guy off, and no go. I
finally made him stop. Sitting on his mom's marble coffee table with my legs
open, dripping and pumped raw. I can't even remember how many times I came. I
like a challenge, but I was so frustrated that I wanted to draw blood. He
waited on the floor as I frowned at him, playfully mean to assess the situation.
I wasn't going to give up even if it killed me.
When I frowned and narrowed my eyes at him. I saw his cock stir, stiffening.
No, it couldn't be this simple. I growled, low in my throat. More movement. I
laughed, and ordered him quickly.
"Come here." He crawled over. I widened my legs so he could get between them.
"Put your hands on my thighs." He did it, trembling softly. I took his nipples
with my nails, and pinched them. He looked at my face and was suddenly
embarrassed. I touched his cock. Letting the little eye wink at me as I
examined it. "I've worked at this for seven hours." He swelled. I knit my
eyebrows together. "It needs to be punished for not giving me what I asked for."
I felt a flush of heat and was surprised the return of my desire. I figured
that I was well fucked now. I lost track of how many times I came beneath him.
This sudden return was inexplicable. I thought that I'd be done by now,
finished. I rested my toes on the floor. I twisted his nipples, making him
moan. "I like to fuck, Eric. I like the feel of cock in my sex. You have a
nice cock that needs a lesson in manners. Put it inside me, but don't move it."
He knelt up and guided his cock in. I started flexing my sex around it with
strong clamping force. Milking it. Telling him how to move, when to move. I
pulled him against me, digging my fingers into his shoulders with brutal force
and ordered him to come in me. Right fucking now. He did. Bucking into me and
filling the air with the scent of sex. Collapsing finally over my sweaty body.
I ordered him to lay on the floor. Straddling him. "Open your eyes." I said
stroking his hair, quietly pleased by his compliance. "Why didn't you just tell
me what you really wanted?" I asked.
"Because it's kind of weird." He blushed. "I've never come the first time with
anyone. I didn't want you to think that there was something wrong with me."
"Why would it be weird? Everybody needs some type of special attention to make
it good for him or her. You need to be ordered around. I can take control from
you. Does that make me weird?" He shook his head. "You just can't ask for it.
I figured it out." I was very surprised that he felt so bad about what he
needed. He kept talking. Fear making him shake and softening his words. I
felt bad for him.
"I like strong women. I like to be talked too. Told what to do." His voice
trembled with what could only be fear.
"Why are you ashamed of that? Are you thinking that you aren't entitled to ask
for what you want? I wanted you to eat me. Should I have kept quiet?" Another
slow shake. "I like you. You're funny, caring, and talented. You're good to
me. What we do together is our own business. If you need more than talk, you
let me know." His hands trembled, and I could feel him getting hard again
against my thigh. "Naughty boy." I teased, and took his hands to hold them
over his head. Pinning his shoulders with my elbows. I bit his neck, and then
licked it. Whispering. "I feel you getting hard again. I have it in me to
tease you until just before you come again and leave you in torment. Should I?"
He shook his head. "I would love to lay you over my lap, and warm those strong
buns of yours, but I'm pretty sure you'd come against my leg, wouldn't you?" He
shook his head, protesting he didn't like to be spanked. "But I would want too,
and you would let me." His organ jerked making me laugh. "You'll let me do what
ever I want to with you, because I can give you pleasure." I traveled down his
body, and nudged open his thighs. Running one hand under his butt. "Virgin
territory, I'll bet." He twitched. "I have you now. I can tie you up. Make
you beg. Make you come in my mouth so I can taste you." Fluid leaked from the
tip, and I licked it off. "Make you eat your juice out of me, slowly. Any
thing I want." I leaned up over him and put his cock in me. Leaning up on my
arms and moving like a man does. "Oooh, you are so hard, again. So ready, so
easy." His breath was short and he looked like he was in pain. "I feel you,
deep inside me. Hard and full. Ready to shoot that big load into my sex before
you eat me to orgasm. I will make you eat me. Slowly, deeply. Pulling all the
cum from my deep well with your fingers so I can lick them clean, so you better
cum for me soon honey. I want your face against me, right now." Eric arched off
the floor and shot into me for what seemed like forever. Spurt after spurt of
hot fluid. Jetting into my wet clamping sex. His face a study in animal rut.
I came again then I worked him until he was soft. Laying against his sweaty
body in perfect satisfaction.
I really enjoyed Eric, and I think he enjoyed me. Okay, he did. He said that I
was one of the most sensual people that he had ever met. He would make love
anywhere, any time. All I had to do was call, tell him I was on my way and he'd
meet me at the door with a smile and a hard-on. He cooked for me. Painted my
toenails and gave a great massage. He got transferred to Chicago and we didn't
last long after that. He wanted me to go, but I had just gotten a great job with
room for advancement. I was happy. Knowing what I know now. I would have gone.
I still miss him.
Finding someone else to play with has not been easy. Well, impossible is a more
accurate word. I went out with a couple of straight men. They were less than
adventurous than I and even less amenable to suggestion. Hell, they wouldn't
even tell me their fantasies so I had nothing to work with even. I gave up,
totally and I thought, completely. The convent was starting to look pretty
good.
It's a human thing really. Everything on the planet is different. Emotionally
and psychologically we are all diverse, yet even now most of us are afraid to
say anything about our diversity. Afraid of what people will think of us.
I went on this way for years. 6 to be exact. It got so bad that I named my
shower massage. It became a great joke at work, when they weren't calling me a
Lesbian. That the reason it was unsafe to cross me was that I had not had sex
in so long. I was a major Bitch.
There were advantages in that. It eventually made them give me an Urban Times.
The local underground newspaper. That was where I finally came into myself.
They had ads in the back for people like me, to meet other people like me. Us,
the perverts. I never answered any of the Ads, but I sure got mileage out of
them. For someone with an I.Q like mine, anything that inflames the imagination
is appreciated. That and the fact that I could pick out an ad and build a
scenario to match it in my head. Nice.
The most embarrassing thing was buying the equipment. I bought a really nice
whip the other day and the only reason that I got away with it was that it was
so close to Halloween. I still had to put up with S/M jokes, but I didn't care.
It became an obsession. The thoughts whirling through my head with breakneck
speed.
I found the ad that I answered in the back of the paper. Not an out-call
service. It read like a support group. I could do that. I needed the support.
I was lonely. I was so hot that I felt like I was going to explode. So I did
what any prudent closet case does.
I screwed up my courage and made myself do what I truly wanted to do. I called
the number.
