Epilogue: An American In Hell
"You there! Yes, you." said the demon as he looked at Mr. Adrian Rodgers.
"Get over here and prepare to be judged."
"Um what is all this about." Adrian Rodgers asked the demon.
"Oh come on! You've died. You're in hell. Welcome to eternal damnation. No get
over there and let me process your paperwork. You're holding up the line." the
demon said to Adrian.
Adrian, who was very confused, moved over to the spot the demon was motioning
to. It was a small piece of ground with a circular inscription with a place
for Adrian to insert his feet. The demon again motioned him in, and he did so.
The demon pointed a scanning device at Adrian's head and pushed a button.
"Oh damn." the demon said as he looked at a readout on his computer display.
"We don't have a file on you! You know, I'm not surprised at all. I knew
today was going to be about as fun as ingesting a pile of rancid excrement.
I've been having so many problems with my manager here. You wouldn't believe
the things we have to take from that piece of swine They treat us like crap
here. I've put in over 300,000 years, and I still haven't gotten a raise. I
put in a requisition for a new computer terminal 1500 years ago, and they
still haven't replaced it. You have no idea of the crap we demons take around
here. I remember when--." the demon got cut off abruptly.
"I'd be happy to talk with you, but I'd really like to know what I'm doing
here. I don't deserve eternal damnation. I'm a pretty good guy. I gave money
to poor children, I helped the homeless, and I didn't go and make a big deal
when my girlfriend cheated on me. I've made my mistakes just as much as
anyone else, but nothing I've done warrants me being here. Besides, I haven't
even seen St. Peter or had a trial. Don't I get some appeals also." Adrian
asked. "This doesn't seem fair."
"I may have lost your paperwork, but you're definitely an American. I hate
Americans. You're always so damn pushy and self-centered. You think that
everyone owes you something. Let me tell you something! No one owes you
anything. Every damn American that comes our way won't settle for just
walking into hell and taking his place. Oh noooooo. You have to bitch and
moan and complain about your situation. 'I haven't had a fair trial.' 'I
haven't even had a trial.' 'I didn't have any representation.' Ahhh! It is
even worse when we get lawyers down here. They go on and on and on and on
about how their sins don't 'qualify' as sins for various legal reasons. It is
such a hassle. I love it when we get Albanians. They just walk right on
through to the fiery pits. But not Americans, oh no. Well, we'll have to
reconstruct your record line by line. It'll take awhile, but I suppose I
don't have anything better to do today."
Adrian, who by now was extremely scared and confused, just sat idly by while
the demon pointed a new scanning device at his head. "Hmm." said the demon,
"it says here that you're a damn atheist! What the bloody hell are you doing
here in hell?"
"Well, I feel like a fool for saying this, but I've always been told by all
the religious people that I'd end up in hell. Obviously I never believed them,
but I guess it shows what I know." Adrian told the demon.
"No, no, no! You don't understand at all. When a person dies their soul goes
to one of these gates. Basically the gates are just big giant magnets.
Heaven's gate is positively charged and hell's is negatively charged. Based
on a person's actions in life, the soul just drifts to whichever gate it is
most attracted to. You wouldn't believe all the hassle we had to go through
before we found out we could just install big magnets. It was even worse when
we had a reversal of the poles way back in '64, but now all we demons and
angles have to do is show the blessed or the damned on their way and fill out
a few administrative papers. Before, we had to go fly over to the void of
lost souls and drop them in heaven or hell. Now the souls come to us. Since
the souls of atheists and agnostics aren't charged at all, they just float
around and add to the ethereal debris of the void."
Adrian, who was squinting in concentration, thought he had digested most of
this information and asked, "So you're going to fly me back, or what?"
"I suppose I could. That's what I'm supposed to do when one of these things
happens, but it takes too much time to get there. My wife always nags when I
come home late. How about you just walk into hell. I really don't want to
take you back to the void. Besides, torture is better than non-existence.
I'll tell you what I'll even put you down for an eternity in one of our less
painful punishments."
"No good. I don't like either of those options. I want into heaven."
"Oh, come on! If it wasn't for some kind of computer glitch you wouldn't even
be here. Do you know what kind of paperwork it'll take for me to get you into
heaven." the demon asked. "I'd have to fill out an H42-934 form, get it
stamped by the Ethereal Transfer Commission, and then file it with the
Heavenly Appeals Agency. It'd take six to eight hundred years for an
acknowledgement and another millennia before their first investigative agent
came out for an interview. Believe me, it isn't an easy process. It would be
much easier for me to simply fly you back and dump you into the ethereal void.
I'm thinking I'm just going to send you on through to an envy punishment or
something."
"I'd like to speak to your supervisor. Even in hell, I'm sure there's an
appeals process." Adrian said.
"Oh damn! Yes, there is a process, but please don't use that on me. It takes
up so much time. Wait a minute, we could use you back on Earth! We've been
looking for someone to cause mischief back on the planet, and I'm sure I
could give you that job. Its either that or I fly you back to the void and
you won't exist."
"Fine." said Adrian. "I'll take the job."
"Great. Just let me fill out this form here, and we'll have you on your way."
the demon told Adrian. "You know, now that you're a fellow employee, I'd like
to encourage you to vote Libertarian in the next election. They'd really do a
great job of cutting down on all the excess government here. You'll see how
damn bureaucratic this place is once you try and send in a requisition for
supplies. First you'll have to fill out a form that authorizes you to propose
a requisition. Then you have to fill out your requisition proposal form and
get it stamped. Then you'll have to fill out a form to get the supply
committee to hear your proposal and so on and so forth. By the time you have
the paper work sorted out a millennia later, you'll realize that your supply
plan needs revising. Then the whole process will start all over again. Except
this time, you'll have to fill out a proposal to change your previous plan
along with the proposal for the new plan."
"But isn't voting liberation just a waste of my vote." Adrian asked. "After
all, third political parties never survive."
"You know, before you dammed Americans came along we had a thriving political
system with no parties and a sense of decency. Now those of us that work in
hell are oppressed more than the souls that are supposed to be tortured here."
the demon scoffed at Adrian. "Now let me tell you what you are going to do. I
want you to go back to Earth and cause trouble. Specifically, we want you to
tempt people and then punish them if they accept. Person by person, I want
you inspiring chaos in every American you come across. Now, on Earth you'll
take the form of a raggedy old man who sells tonics and potions that always
end up backfiring on the buyer." the demon said.
"I suppose I'll be operating in a dusty old shop in an urban mall." Adrian
asked.
"Shut up! This is not that kind of story." the demon said.
"Well, if it isn't, it sure seems like the author of our 'story' is pretty
damn unoriginal." Adrian remarked.
"That may be true, but if it wasn't for him, we wouldn't exist. Besides, every
work of fiction boils down to three main stories anyway. Now, back to what I
was saying. You'll be put on Earth with various potions and vials that will
end up cursing the various customers and causing them to be lustful and evil.
Now, back to Earth with you."
Adrian agreed and decided it would be an excellent opportunity to explore his
breast expansion fetish. He'd always wanted to become one of those little
demons who granted wishes that backfired. He figured he'd start with college
girls and move on from there.
Adrian, contemplating his plan, walked into the Earth portal feeling sorry for
all the sinners in hell, as well as anyone who mistakenly got sent there due
to demon error, the reversal of the magnetic poles, or the year 2000 computer
glitch.
