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17.
My mind was in a shambles as I struggled into my clothes. I was even thankful to have them. The bastard could as easily have put me out there with nothing to wear. He was capable of anything. Part of me wanted to flee down the stairs, as fast as my legs could carry me. Insanely, the other half of me made me wait for the elevator, hoping that his door would open and he would appear to explain it all away. He didn't though.
Driving home, I alternated between crying and cursing. I even had a moment of mad laughter. By the time I pulled in my drive I was as limp as a wet dishrag.
There were three messages from Jenny on my machine, each one more insistent than the last that I call her. God, I wanted to. I needed a shoulder to cry on. I knew that I couldn't though. I would have to start from the beginning and give her all the gory details. By the time she heard me out, she would be convinced that I was crazy. I felt as if I might be going crazy.
The fucking craziest part of it all was that it was really Alan's shoulder I wanted to cry on. What a fucking roller coaster he has put me on, I thought. And Tanna? What was she to Alan? Obviously they had not just met. Was she his lover or slave? She had called him Master. Did he want me to join her in some sort of harem? Too many questions kept banging around in my head. I rummaged around until I found a bottle of tequila that I had never been able to finish. I poured a water glass full and washed down three aspirins. I took my drink into the bedroom and was horrified to see that it was past 2 a.m.
I woke up, already late for work and still in my clothes but I didn't give a damn. I'd never been late before, so fuck 'em, I thought. I called Admin and told them I had car trouble and would get there when I could. I almost told them I was sick and to cancel the day but the idea of being alone with my thoughts was intolerable.
What was left of the morning was one long agony. I found that I suddenly hated my students. I found myself comparing them to leaches. Energy leaches, I thought. To escape them, I found my mind replaying the scene in Alan's apartment. Even the memory of the sensations I had experienced made me wet as I sat at my desk. A vivid picture of Alan's hands twisting Tanna's nipples while she moaned with pleasure invaded my head. I actually wanted to get up and go to the ladies room and masturbate.
Jenny cornered me at lunch. I hated lying to her and dodging the issue but I had no choice. I knew what her advice would be and for some stupid reason I knew that I was not ready to quit. Maybe I really was a masochist. What else explained my obsession with this man? She poked me and brought me back from my thoughts.
"I mean it, girlfriend. You look tired. You have definitely been burnin' both ends of the candle."
"Yes. I admit it. I had a late night."
"I know you've been without ever since you got here. Not That I could figure out why.
But look here, just because you found somethin' fine, don't nasty yourself to death!"
"Yes," I smiled, "I'll get some rest tonight. Don't worry, Jenny."
"You better. You better call too. I'm sick of talkin' to your machine."
It was a relief when she finally left. She was my only friend and yet in a mere few days my reality had moved to a different and distant zip code.
During the afternoon, only my body was in the lecture room. I could hear myself droning on about the post-war boom and wished that I would shut up. I was alone during my last hour, grading essays, when the erotic visions returned. This Time I fantasized that it was me who had been tied to his table. Without thinking, I began twisting my nipples and did at last, hurry to the ladies room. When I left the stall where I had frantically sought release, I was once more conflicted, momentarily satisfied and vaguely ashamed of myself. On my way out to the parking lot I knew, that somehow, I must end this emotional duality that was torturing me.
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